I am not wearing green. Not because I don't like green or don't have anything green, I think I am simply refusing to wear green for general principle. I am pretty tired of being told what to do. I am relatively sure no one will pinch me because long before being used as a pin cushion for the medical and oncology communities, I hated to be pinched. Now? I will smack you. Hard.
So, rebelling when and where I can. It isn't that hard to imagine, if you know me. Sometimes I get pretty fed up with being a rule follower, an obeyer, legalistic. It is my nature to be those things, although I am not sure why. Some people just are, I guess. Maybe that is why I am such a crazy driver...I truly do not follow the rules of the road. Now, if everyone was respectful of the fact that I am the pacecar, I would not have to drive like a lunatic on fire.
Had my second MUGA scan this morning. That is the test where they check your heart for damage from the chemo. This test requires two needle sticks, the second one containing radioactive something-or-other. The MUGA tech was a very good stick and he got me on the first try, both times. Words cannot express how happy that makes me. After the first stick, I had to go back into the waiting room while I became radioactive. I played "dots" on my iPhone with a total stranger and won. Obviously the radioactive cocktail increased my intelligence because I usually lose at dots. Ah, medical technology.
Came on home and was dropping off clothes on the way back to bed. Jacket...living room. Shoes...hallway. Pants...bedroom. Hat and headwrap...floor. Goodnight. Asleep by 9am. Woke up at 2pm. I'm telling you what. This radiation better be doing something good inside of me because I certainly am losing a lot of time sleeping away the after effects.
Anyway, it's Wednesday and time is drawing close to the weekend. Precious Son will be going with his youth minister and some other uprising high school seniors to visit two Bible colleges he is interested in attending. What? A visit to colleges as if he is old enough to be attending college anytime soon?? How did this happen? He is my baby...all 6'4", 210 pounds of him.
Deep sigh...
Beautiful Daughter, Big Daddy, and I have plans, too, but I cannot go into detail yet. Suffice it to say that someone very, very special is the major focus of our weekend.
Have been online the past couple of nights looking/planning/scheming vacation plans for us. I truly want an incredible vacation for my family. They deserve it. It's been a rough haul and they deserve a getaway that allows them to literally "get away". Of course, we are going to a beach...which may not sound extraordinary to you, but when you figure in having to purchase your very first prosthetic bathing suit, then you see just one more reminder how things have changed.
Deeper sigh...
My left arm has been swelling a lot the past few days. To the point of hurting, actually. I had to take off my rings...wedding band and all. It was a sad day. I never take them off. It isn't out of fear that I will inundated with indecent proposals by men or anything crazy like that...it's just my visible connection to Big Daddy and I have worn them for two decades. I feel exposed without them. Naked. Oh wait! Can't feel naked...not with this body! Not now!!
Deepest sigh.
So, am not wearing green today. Perhaps a lovely shade of blue would be more appropriate.
Regardless, Happy St. Patrick's Day... Here is some history from Mark D. Roberts...
Today is St. Patrick’s Day. Most people think of this day as a time for wearing green and that’s about it (unless you’re Irish!). St. Patrick gets relatively little attention on his day, so I thought I might offer a few thoughts in his honor, including a prayer that is attributed to him.
Patrick’s story reads like an Indiana Jones-type adventure. Raised in Britain (yes, not Ireland), Patrick was captured by pirates in A.D. 405 when he was only sixteen years old. The kidnappers whisked him away to Ireland and sold Patrick into slavery. He spent eight years as a captive in this pagan land.
During his captivity, Patrick embraced the Christian faith of his upbringing, something that had mattered little to him beforehand. In his own words, Patrick explained: “And there the Lord opened the sense of my unbelief that I might at last remember my sins and be converted with all my heart to the Lord my God, who had regard for my abjection, and mercy on my youth and ignorance, and watched over me before I knew Him, and before I was able to distinguish between good and evil, and guarded me, and comforted me as would a father his son” (from The Confession of St. Patrick).
Inspired by a dream, Patrick finally escaped from Ireland and made his way back to his home in Britain. But, in time, he sensed God’s call to return to Ireland, of all places, in order to share the good news of Christ with the pagans there. Even though he feared he wasn’t sufficiently learned to be a missionary, Patrick returned to Ireland, where he found unprecedented success in his evangelistic endeavors. His experience of Irish language and culture during his years as a slave enabled Patrick to communicate the Christian gospel with unusual effectiveness.
Though we can’t be sure when Patrick died, tradition holds that he lived into his seventies and died on March 17 in the latter half of the fifth-century A.D. In twenty-five or thirty years of evangelistic work, he led thousands of Irish pagans to Christ and was responsible for Ireland’s becoming one of the most Christian nations in Europe. For this reason he is called “the apostle of the Irish.”
The story of Patrick reminds me, in a way, of Joseph’s experience in Egypt. In both cases, what kidnappers and slave masters intended for evil, God intended for good (Gen. 50:20). Today I want to celebrate, not only Patrick’s example of faithfulness, but also the mystery and majesty of God’s redemptive sovereignty. It’s not unusual for people who have experienced some particular trauma in life to end up ministering to others who suffer that same trauma. A friend of mine, for example, who was sexually abused by her pastor when she was a teenager, now has a tenderhearted ministry to women who have experienced similar abuse. Thus, St. Patrick serves as an example of how God can work all things together for good, even things which are quite evil.
The closing prayer today is attributed to St. Patrick, sometimes called his “Breastplate.” There are many different versions of this prayer, and we can’t be sure it originated with Patrick. Nevertheless, it faithfully represents his powerful faith in the triune God. The first line “I arise today” is sometimes translated as “I bind unto myself today.”
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through the belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.
I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.
I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,
In obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.
I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.
I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me,
From snares of devils,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in multitude.
I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.
Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me abundance of reward.
Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.
Amen.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Happy Heart
It is Monday evening, going on 7pm. Really, the first opportunity I have had to write in days. Mind you, I am not complaining whatsoever, because I have had a glorious time...
After radiation on Friday and my subsequent post, I went to bed. I would guess I was asleep by 9am...slept until 1pm...got up, did something I don't recall...went back to bed from about 2:30pm...got up around 6pm...bed by 10pm. Please believe the person telling you that radiation is exhausting even if they have lied about everything else their whole, entire life.
Saturday was wonderful! OH!! Just wonderful, I say!!! Had my first photo shoot of the day at 9am downtown. It was with a precious 15 month old little girl and she was adorable. Too cute!
Next, I had a young lady and her oboe. So very, very sweet. We took some pictures and I heard later that she was pleased. I say you are a success if you please an eleven year old who is caught in the throes of body changes, "who am I?", and middle school...and we all know how I feel about the havoc wreaked by attending middle school. Having that young girl happy with her pictures means the shoot was a success. *smile*
Next, I worked with two sisters who happen to be fraternal twins. Both were beautiful and incredibly photogenic. These girls seemingly had a great time. Of course, asking fifteen year old girls to pose is a guaranteed win-win situation.
After the sisters, I photographed two more young ladies who are best friends. I took individual shots as well as "friends" ones. I dare say, these photos are pretty darn good. Of course, when you consider that I am photographing "the beautiful people of the world", it's not really the photographer, is it? *smile* If you look at the website, you will see for yourself, I am surrounded by beautiful people! http://www.walksoftlyphoto.com/ However, what you won't see is that Midge and Babs were with me on the shoots and that is why the photographer was smiling.
Saturday evening, we had dinner with Babs and Ken and it was yummy. Church on Sunday morning and the Kentucky Wildcats won the SEC tournament Sunday afternoon. Woot! Woot! Needless to say, I took a nap and it lasted quite a while. Long enough to make up for daylight savings time and then some...
Church Sunday night for the kids and I worked on the photos until the wee hours of the morn. Ok, ok. Maybe not wee hours, but when you are trying to hang on until 9:30 at night, staying up until midnight is h-a-r-d!! I actually worked on the photos at every opportunity from the time I got home after the shoots on Saturday until just before supper tonight.
You know how they say you should have a job that you love and that you would do for free? Well, I have found it...and it's photography, image manipulation, and telling stories without using words...
Today was my last day of radiation. They gave me a certificate of appreciation and completion. I cried. Not because of the certificate but because these wonderful, wonderful women have endeared themselves to me forever. I was never a cancer patient...I was just Dawn... I miss them already.
I took Beautiful Daughter with me so she could get a glimpse into this profession in case she decides the whole chef thing won't work without her being able to taste-test dishes that are not macaroni and cheese based. The girls allowed her to watch from the safety of monitor room and they treated her with the utmost kindness and were excited that she was interested in what they do. She told me later that she could understand why I cried at the thought of not seeing them anymore. I told her that is what makes a good nurse, not their knowledge of anatomy.
Beautiful Daughter has been fighting a sore throat. At some point, maybe Thursday, I took her to the doctor. She tested negative for strep, but positive for something so they prescribed Amoxicillin, so it must not have been too bad since Amoxicillin is a pink placebo. Anyway, today, Monday, after having the antibiotic in her system long enough to feel better, she tells me she thinks she should stay home from school. I laughed inside because I knew it was coming...not because of her symptoms but because of her love to stay with me during school days. You know, I kept her out. I did not take her to school today and I don't regret it. I will be going back to work in another two weeks and my daughter wanted to spend the day with me. Bad mom? So be it.
I had received an invitation to a professional networking group from Lucy. She and some other people she knows are members. They have lunch every Monday and promote/network each other's businesses. The group is establishing trust in the business community via these chapter meetings and business exposure. Each week, the members give a sixty second introduction of their business and then the visitors are asked to do the same. Let me tell you, when it was my turn and the words came out that I represented Walk Softly Photography, I could have melted. I wished Big Daddy had been there because this was one of those moments you remember forever and I love it when he is with me for those...well, when they are good moments to remember. I wanted to text him and tell him that I had just introduced myself as a photographer, but I thought they would figure out I am a kid trapped in a grown up's body, so I just ate my pickle instead.
Beautiful Daughter and I came home and I finished up the photos so that they were all posted on the site and then we took a nap. There is something incredibly special about taking a nap with your child regardless of how old your child is...
Jumped out of bed as I turned over and realized it was going on 5 o'clock and I had to get supper going. Self-imposed panic because nobody really cares when we eat as long as we do. I just want to be that perfect mom/housewife with the string of pearls and dinner on the table at six. Sure enough, I pulled it off but only because I had already cooked the chicken. LOL Hey, I may not be June Cleaver but my husband loves me, our kids think I'm pretty cool, and our friends keep me close by, so it's all good.
Big Daddy goes back on his regular schedule beginning tonight after a week of dayshift. He is asleep now as I type. Beautiful Daughter is in her room cleaning off her vanity and using the new pink and green containers I bought to help her organize that girly mess. Precious Son is sitting on his futon, playing X-Box with his online friends, narrating as he goes, which makes me laugh. He's always done that narrating thing, even before we went with X-Box Live...not sure where he gets it or why he does it, but he is such a commentator, it really is something to listen to even when annihilating aliens and zombies.
I have made the taco meat for tomorrow's Mexican fiesta while I have been typing and have also finished up the laundry. I am listening to my second David Gray cd and am very happy to be doing so. As it turns out, this cd purchase included a bonus cd with David live from the Roundhouse, so it was definitely worth buying again. However, if I misplace this one, Big Daddy may just make me look a little harder before we buy the third installment of the exact same thing. LOL
You know, I have had a great couple of days and I am so grateful. Someone asked me yesterday if I am as happy as I appear to be all the time. I said "no, actually, I am not, but I am far too blessed to complain about something that has changed me and my life, for the better". In fact, last night as we were driving the kids home from church, Beautiful Daughter recounted this story...
"Tonight the group leader said that some people in the world think that Christians are always rich in life and that only good things happen to them. Then she said that was not true and asked if anyone had an example. I raised my hand and said that I didn't think it was fair that my mom had cancer because she is a Christian and a good person and everybody loves her, even grouchy people...but she does. Then I told them that it used to make me mad that mean or bad people go their whole life without anything bad happening to them and then someone like my mom gets cancer and it isn't fair. But then I told them how you say that cancer has been a blessing and that because of it our family is closer and God is saving you and working through you to help others. I also told them I am not angry anymore. So, basically, it isn't that Christians have it easy but they do have God, and that makes all the difference."
Yes, My Love, is certainly does.
After radiation on Friday and my subsequent post, I went to bed. I would guess I was asleep by 9am...slept until 1pm...got up, did something I don't recall...went back to bed from about 2:30pm...got up around 6pm...bed by 10pm. Please believe the person telling you that radiation is exhausting even if they have lied about everything else their whole, entire life.
Saturday was wonderful! OH!! Just wonderful, I say!!! Had my first photo shoot of the day at 9am downtown. It was with a precious 15 month old little girl and she was adorable. Too cute!
Next, I had a young lady and her oboe. So very, very sweet. We took some pictures and I heard later that she was pleased. I say you are a success if you please an eleven year old who is caught in the throes of body changes, "who am I?", and middle school...and we all know how I feel about the havoc wreaked by attending middle school. Having that young girl happy with her pictures means the shoot was a success. *smile*
Next, I worked with two sisters who happen to be fraternal twins. Both were beautiful and incredibly photogenic. These girls seemingly had a great time. Of course, asking fifteen year old girls to pose is a guaranteed win-win situation.
After the sisters, I photographed two more young ladies who are best friends. I took individual shots as well as "friends" ones. I dare say, these photos are pretty darn good. Of course, when you consider that I am photographing "the beautiful people of the world", it's not really the photographer, is it? *smile* If you look at the website, you will see for yourself, I am surrounded by beautiful people! http://www.walksoftlyphoto.com/ However, what you won't see is that Midge and Babs were with me on the shoots and that is why the photographer was smiling.
Saturday evening, we had dinner with Babs and Ken and it was yummy. Church on Sunday morning and the Kentucky Wildcats won the SEC tournament Sunday afternoon. Woot! Woot! Needless to say, I took a nap and it lasted quite a while. Long enough to make up for daylight savings time and then some...
Church Sunday night for the kids and I worked on the photos until the wee hours of the morn. Ok, ok. Maybe not wee hours, but when you are trying to hang on until 9:30 at night, staying up until midnight is h-a-r-d!! I actually worked on the photos at every opportunity from the time I got home after the shoots on Saturday until just before supper tonight.
You know how they say you should have a job that you love and that you would do for free? Well, I have found it...and it's photography, image manipulation, and telling stories without using words...
Today was my last day of radiation. They gave me a certificate of appreciation and completion. I cried. Not because of the certificate but because these wonderful, wonderful women have endeared themselves to me forever. I was never a cancer patient...I was just Dawn... I miss them already.
I took Beautiful Daughter with me so she could get a glimpse into this profession in case she decides the whole chef thing won't work without her being able to taste-test dishes that are not macaroni and cheese based. The girls allowed her to watch from the safety of monitor room and they treated her with the utmost kindness and were excited that she was interested in what they do. She told me later that she could understand why I cried at the thought of not seeing them anymore. I told her that is what makes a good nurse, not their knowledge of anatomy.
Beautiful Daughter has been fighting a sore throat. At some point, maybe Thursday, I took her to the doctor. She tested negative for strep, but positive for something so they prescribed Amoxicillin, so it must not have been too bad since Amoxicillin is a pink placebo. Anyway, today, Monday, after having the antibiotic in her system long enough to feel better, she tells me she thinks she should stay home from school. I laughed inside because I knew it was coming...not because of her symptoms but because of her love to stay with me during school days. You know, I kept her out. I did not take her to school today and I don't regret it. I will be going back to work in another two weeks and my daughter wanted to spend the day with me. Bad mom? So be it.
I had received an invitation to a professional networking group from Lucy. She and some other people she knows are members. They have lunch every Monday and promote/network each other's businesses. The group is establishing trust in the business community via these chapter meetings and business exposure. Each week, the members give a sixty second introduction of their business and then the visitors are asked to do the same. Let me tell you, when it was my turn and the words came out that I represented Walk Softly Photography, I could have melted. I wished Big Daddy had been there because this was one of those moments you remember forever and I love it when he is with me for those...well, when they are good moments to remember. I wanted to text him and tell him that I had just introduced myself as a photographer, but I thought they would figure out I am a kid trapped in a grown up's body, so I just ate my pickle instead.
Beautiful Daughter and I came home and I finished up the photos so that they were all posted on the site and then we took a nap. There is something incredibly special about taking a nap with your child regardless of how old your child is...
Jumped out of bed as I turned over and realized it was going on 5 o'clock and I had to get supper going. Self-imposed panic because nobody really cares when we eat as long as we do. I just want to be that perfect mom/housewife with the string of pearls and dinner on the table at six. Sure enough, I pulled it off but only because I had already cooked the chicken. LOL Hey, I may not be June Cleaver but my husband loves me, our kids think I'm pretty cool, and our friends keep me close by, so it's all good.
Big Daddy goes back on his regular schedule beginning tonight after a week of dayshift. He is asleep now as I type. Beautiful Daughter is in her room cleaning off her vanity and using the new pink and green containers I bought to help her organize that girly mess. Precious Son is sitting on his futon, playing X-Box with his online friends, narrating as he goes, which makes me laugh. He's always done that narrating thing, even before we went with X-Box Live...not sure where he gets it or why he does it, but he is such a commentator, it really is something to listen to even when annihilating aliens and zombies.
I have made the taco meat for tomorrow's Mexican fiesta while I have been typing and have also finished up the laundry. I am listening to my second David Gray cd and am very happy to be doing so. As it turns out, this cd purchase included a bonus cd with David live from the Roundhouse, so it was definitely worth buying again. However, if I misplace this one, Big Daddy may just make me look a little harder before we buy the third installment of the exact same thing. LOL
You know, I have had a great couple of days and I am so grateful. Someone asked me yesterday if I am as happy as I appear to be all the time. I said "no, actually, I am not, but I am far too blessed to complain about something that has changed me and my life, for the better". In fact, last night as we were driving the kids home from church, Beautiful Daughter recounted this story...
"Tonight the group leader said that some people in the world think that Christians are always rich in life and that only good things happen to them. Then she said that was not true and asked if anyone had an example. I raised my hand and said that I didn't think it was fair that my mom had cancer because she is a Christian and a good person and everybody loves her, even grouchy people...but she does. Then I told them that it used to make me mad that mean or bad people go their whole life without anything bad happening to them and then someone like my mom gets cancer and it isn't fair. But then I told them how you say that cancer has been a blessing and that because of it our family is closer and God is saving you and working through you to help others. I also told them I am not angry anymore. So, basically, it isn't that Christians have it easy but they do have God, and that makes all the difference."
Yes, My Love, is certainly does.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Hello, Friday
I really don't have time to sit here and write but here I am... Writing, for me, has become as much as a therapy as any chemo or radiation. My plan was to not even touch my laptop until I had accomplished everything on my "to do" list, but I am so overcome with emotion, that I feel if I do not write, nothing else will get accomplished anyway.
As you know, Wednesday was pretty darn bad. Thursday was better, much in part to my Cymbalta coming in the mail, I am sure. Regardless, Thursday was better. As I mentioned, Big Daddy has been in class all week. He called me Wednesday around 6pm to see where I was and could tell instantly that there was something wrong just by hearing my voice. I told him I was almost home...I had just taken the kids to church...and no, I didn't really want to go out to dinner. (We normally go to dinner on Wednesdays, just the two of us). I tried incredibly hard to sound "fine" but obviously didn't since Big Daddy was standing in the driveway, waiting for me. He opened the door to the truck and asked what was wrong... It was obvious I had been crying and was hurting. Seemingly, the more I tried to sound "ok" or act "alright", the easier it was to see that I was not in a good place. Before I could step out of the truck, he leaned in, put his arms around me and just said "I love you...let me help you", and with that, I began to sob.
The gentleness of this man, the patience, the virtue...I am speechless. I adore him.
We talked for a while and then he thought I might do well to get out the house for a bit. He took me to Joseph~Beth Bookstore and led me to the cd's. I picked up three...
Brandon Heath - What If We (Contemporary Christian)
Melody Gardot - My One and Only Thrill (Jazz)
David Gray - Draw the Line (yes, my second one)
Then, Big Daddy took me to the magazine section and sat me down in front of the photography magazines and said, "See what you can find"...so I did.
When Thursday morning came around, I felt better and have continued to feel ok since...well, until this morning.
"Could you please tell me how many more weeks I have?"
"Oh, you finish on Monday! Aren't you excited?"
"Oh. Ok. Sure."
"Is that ok? Are you alright with being finished?"
"Well, I guess so, but I am really going to miss seeing you all every day."
And with that, the swell of emotion filled me again.
I am afraid to be finished with radiation...with radiation, I am proactively doing something to stop the cancer. With chemo once every three weeks, it is easy to think you are not doing all you can because the length of time between treatments is so long despite knowing that chemotherapy is an ongoing drug that stays in your body for weeks at a time.
Knowing something intellectually does not mean you can reconcile it easily between your heart and mind...
The other side of this coin is that I truly and genuinely love these girls! They are kind, sweet, happy, and they treat me like a person, not a patient. I love them... I don't want to stop seeing them. It is as if I have become addicted to visiting with them each morning and cannot start my day without them. I feel as if completing radiation means I am alone.
Of course I know better. I know I am not alone. I know I can meander down that hallway and peek in to say hello anytime I like...but it's different now. The girls will be busy with someone else now...making their journey easier and lighter just by being themselves. I probably won't ever go and tell them hello just because I would not want to take away from someone else gaining comfort from them, as I have.
Basically, I am just at a loss. Why do I feel like I am losing part of myself by finishing radiation? I don't know, but that is exactly how I feel.
Shouldn't I be happy and rejoicing in the fact that I have almost completed yet another step toward healing and hopefully, cure? Why, yes, I should. Maybe it just seems that after each event in my health care is complete, I am then one step closer to being on my own in my fight. It will literally be my body versus cancer. Period. What will happen in October when I finish up the chemo???
Gosh. I just don't know...but I can assure you, my chemo nurses will be greatly missed, as well. I just cannot think that far ahead right now. Not as I sit here realizing I have to say goodbye to the radiation girls and what my mornings with them have meant to me.
Dear Radiation Girls~
You give me hope. You make me laugh and smile and feel like a person. Each of you have touched my heart and I am forever changed. I told my daughter that if she wanted to go to nursing school to be a radiation nurse, I would go with her and become one, too. Of course, the fact that she wants to be a chef and not a nurse is something we will have to work out, but even at 15, she can see how you all have touched my heart. I'm am not sure where my road will lead, but I will always take you girls with me in spirit. Thank you for what you do for those of us who need you so desperately...
As you know, Wednesday was pretty darn bad. Thursday was better, much in part to my Cymbalta coming in the mail, I am sure. Regardless, Thursday was better. As I mentioned, Big Daddy has been in class all week. He called me Wednesday around 6pm to see where I was and could tell instantly that there was something wrong just by hearing my voice. I told him I was almost home...I had just taken the kids to church...and no, I didn't really want to go out to dinner. (We normally go to dinner on Wednesdays, just the two of us). I tried incredibly hard to sound "fine" but obviously didn't since Big Daddy was standing in the driveway, waiting for me. He opened the door to the truck and asked what was wrong... It was obvious I had been crying and was hurting. Seemingly, the more I tried to sound "ok" or act "alright", the easier it was to see that I was not in a good place. Before I could step out of the truck, he leaned in, put his arms around me and just said "I love you...let me help you", and with that, I began to sob.
The gentleness of this man, the patience, the virtue...I am speechless. I adore him.
We talked for a while and then he thought I might do well to get out the house for a bit. He took me to Joseph~Beth Bookstore and led me to the cd's. I picked up three...
Brandon Heath - What If We (Contemporary Christian)
Melody Gardot - My One and Only Thrill (Jazz)
David Gray - Draw the Line (yes, my second one)
Then, Big Daddy took me to the magazine section and sat me down in front of the photography magazines and said, "See what you can find"...so I did.
When Thursday morning came around, I felt better and have continued to feel ok since...well, until this morning.
"Could you please tell me how many more weeks I have?"
"Oh, you finish on Monday! Aren't you excited?"
"Oh. Ok. Sure."
"Is that ok? Are you alright with being finished?"
"Well, I guess so, but I am really going to miss seeing you all every day."
And with that, the swell of emotion filled me again.
I am afraid to be finished with radiation...with radiation, I am proactively doing something to stop the cancer. With chemo once every three weeks, it is easy to think you are not doing all you can because the length of time between treatments is so long despite knowing that chemotherapy is an ongoing drug that stays in your body for weeks at a time.
Knowing something intellectually does not mean you can reconcile it easily between your heart and mind...
The other side of this coin is that I truly and genuinely love these girls! They are kind, sweet, happy, and they treat me like a person, not a patient. I love them... I don't want to stop seeing them. It is as if I have become addicted to visiting with them each morning and cannot start my day without them. I feel as if completing radiation means I am alone.
Of course I know better. I know I am not alone. I know I can meander down that hallway and peek in to say hello anytime I like...but it's different now. The girls will be busy with someone else now...making their journey easier and lighter just by being themselves. I probably won't ever go and tell them hello just because I would not want to take away from someone else gaining comfort from them, as I have.
Basically, I am just at a loss. Why do I feel like I am losing part of myself by finishing radiation? I don't know, but that is exactly how I feel.
Shouldn't I be happy and rejoicing in the fact that I have almost completed yet another step toward healing and hopefully, cure? Why, yes, I should. Maybe it just seems that after each event in my health care is complete, I am then one step closer to being on my own in my fight. It will literally be my body versus cancer. Period. What will happen in October when I finish up the chemo???
Gosh. I just don't know...but I can assure you, my chemo nurses will be greatly missed, as well. I just cannot think that far ahead right now. Not as I sit here realizing I have to say goodbye to the radiation girls and what my mornings with them have meant to me.
Dear Radiation Girls~
You give me hope. You make me laugh and smile and feel like a person. Each of you have touched my heart and I am forever changed. I told my daughter that if she wanted to go to nursing school to be a radiation nurse, I would go with her and become one, too. Of course, the fact that she wants to be a chef and not a nurse is something we will have to work out, but even at 15, she can see how you all have touched my heart. I'm am not sure where my road will lead, but I will always take you girls with me in spirit. Thank you for what you do for those of us who need you so desperately...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
For My Husband...
I am working on an update related to yesterday's post, but I wanted you to know today is much better...many humble thanks for the emails, phone calls, texts, and guacamole. I love you all.
This song is dedicated to my husband, whose love knows no bounds.
I more than adore you and only God knows the depth of my love for you...
Only you...
Forever you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo
This song is dedicated to my husband, whose love knows no bounds.
I more than adore you and only God knows the depth of my love for you...
Only you...
Forever you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Even as the Grinch Feels, So Do I...
I don't cry. I used to cry, I just don't anymore. You know, maybe it wasn't a "lot", but I would guess at least once every two months I would cry? I don't know. Who cares. Anyway, as I am typing, I am crying... Not the boohoohoo, sobbing kind of cry, but the kind where your eyes just fill with tears and you can't really put your finger on any precise cause and the tears just hang onto the brim...you tilt your head so that when you blink, the tears don't spill. Then, they spill anyway. That's the kind of cry...
How did I get here? Well, I have a pretty good idea and some of you will automatically assume I am correct, which I like...even if I am wrong. With the start of a new calendar year, you have to jump through the hoops to get everything back up and running, insurance-wise. I receive my anti-homicide pills through our mandatory mail order system with Blue Cross. No, wait. Prescriptions come through Aetna. Anyway, you have to receive your meds through the mail and you have to get a 90 day supply. Sounds easy enough. Well, it is easy if you remember and remembering is easy if you don't have chemo brain.
(holding face in hands as the tears stream down...)
I cannot begin to tell you how beyond frustrating it is to be unable to recall the simplest of things, facts, instructions, or how to get home... This isn't me... I can't find anything! All I want to do is listen to my David Gray cd and I can't find it!!! Sounds petty, huh? Well, it isn't when you consider that being unable to find my David Gray cd is the umpteenth thing I cannot find, remember, recall, or understand just for this morning. Unless you have been here, you do not understand...you just can't. Well, maybe people with dementia comprehend what I am going through...or Alzheimer's...but I'm not sure if they realize they cannot remember...I do.
So, my 90-day supply of anti-homicide pills have not arrived yet and I have been waiting and checking my bank account online to see when the money from the insurance company has been taken out. It was taken out yesterday, which is good because that means the order has been processed. I have been skipping a pill here and there to make sure they last until my stash arrives. Ah, there it is. The proverbial red flag.
You cannot stop taking "mind-altering" drugs and not have some effect. I know that. I just thought it would be better to stretch out the few I have left rather than be completely without and send my body into shock. Truly, that makes sense. I have been on these pills since the end of 2007...an incredibly, impossibly dark time for me. At the time, the pills were probably more anti-suicide rather than anti-homicide...
The prescription is for Cymbalta. It is for anxiety or depression or to take the edge off of fits of rage while driving around this stupid city...or all the above, I guess. Anyway, I have to go to the doctor every six months to be re-evaluated and have a new prescription sent to Aetna. Done. Went a few weeks ago and all was well...minus the whole updating for 2010 thing I forgot to do. Long story, short...decreasing my dosage was the poorer of choices when what I should have done was ask my physician for a temporary supply until the bulk shipment arrives. So very stupid sometimes...
I was naive to think back in September or so, that I could actually come off of the Cymbalta because things were going so great. I was dealing with the cancer, I was essentially a stay-at-home mom, which I love, and Big Daddy and I are at a place in our marriage where we both feel safe, secure, loved unconditionally, as well as in love. The kids were doing great with all the medical drama and were excelling at school and all extra-curricular activities. Family and friends were close and willing to do anything and everything for us. We were being prayed for by total strangers and found a church home. Things were really, really good despite having cancer...or maybe in spite of it.
So, I spoke with the doctor about getting weaned off the medicine and he suggested we wait until the new year, "just in case". Fine. Whatever it takes to make him feel better.
Having missed my Cymbalta yesterday and another day here and there for a couple of weeks, I have to wonder if I don't actually "need" it after all. If this is how I am going to feel, then forget it. Give me the dope.
I had really looked forward to this week because the kids are in school all day and Big Daddy has in-service, so he is on day shift, meaning I am alone in my house during the day. When everyone is safe, happy, healthy and where they are supposed to be and I get to be in my house alone, I am incredibly happy. I love being in my house alone. I love being a housewife. I love doing all the things to take care of my family...laundry, cooking, organizing, keeping house, and letting the cleaning lady in. (I will forever hate to clean...) I had planned on learning more and more about my camera, playing with photoshop, working on my websites, listening to music, and just being alone for a few hours a day. Sounds so boring, but I was very excited. Having all the domestic things accomplished and having a wonderful dinner every night with my whole family sitting around, recounting their day and then just hanging out with each other until bedtime is what my dreams are made of. I call it "happiness on the most simplistic of levels"...the very kind of happiness so many American families do not get to enjoy because both parents have to work outside the home just to keep their houses from foreclosure...pay for their kids to go to college...eat...
Well, maybe being home alone mandates a prerequisite for me to have full dosage of my prescribed meds in my system. Being alone on this, Day 3, is only making me sad. Now, is it because I am stretching out the anti-fill-in-the-blank medicine or is it because I really don't like being alone anymore?
Not sure...but this I do know: When I am alone, my mind is not my friend. I think about so many things, so many people, so many mistakes, so many hurts and heartaches...not many good things. Why is that? Maybe the Cymbalta is more for depression than I knew or realized. Maybe I never really needed it for anti-homicide control. What if I am sad underneath all this? What if I am depressed and unable to handle my life? What if I haven't handled all this cancer stuff as well as I thought because my "handling" of it was under the subdued protection of an invisible cloak?
What if I need this medicine? What if I am clinically depressed from here on out? What if I have been hiding behind some false sense of ok-ness because I never really realized I wasn't ok?
Oh, God! What if I never really healed/got over/dealt with the mess in '07 and the pills just mask it thus, without it, I would be catapulted emotionally back there?
There is a lyric from Lady Antebellum that says: "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all".
Forget that.
I completely disagree. I would rather not hurt. Period. I have hurt enough in my lifetime and have certainly met my "hurt quota" and let me just tell you one more thing...if I have to revisit 2007 many more times, there is a pretty darn good chance I will drive that jet black Suburban off the highest bridge I can find.
I had looked forward to everyone coming home after their busy day yesterday, us sharing our "Father Knows Best" meets "Leave it to Beaver" dinner and subsequent evening together. Well, my life is not a made-for-tv sitcom and so this is how yesterday went down...
Kids got home from school. Had to eat right away because Precious Son had pep band at EKU and had to be back at school soon. Beautiful Daughter had colorguard practice and we had to pick up her friend who needed a ride. Fortunately, I had crock-potted beef roast, made red potatoes, carrots, onions, and salad, so eating as soon as they came home was actually stress-free.
Ran kids hither and yon. Big Daddy gets home from in-service and eats dinner while he is changing his clothes. He is just as quickly gone as the kids as he had to meet Ken to purchase materials for the shop and has in-service all day Wednesday, so he had to do it Tuesday night. Again, I am left alone, and, despite everyone being where they were supposed to be and being safe, happy, and healthy, I did not necessarily enjoy being alone in my home. This was not how I had the evening planned in my head.
Picked up girls at 8:30 and both were in a bad mood because so-n-so said such-n-such...bossy...bad sportsmanship...she's really changed, Mom...not fair...etc...
Dropped off friend. Beautiful Daughter was moody. Exasperated sigh...
Took a hot shower and waited for Big Daddy to come back home. When he did, he asked why I looked sad and I said "because I missed you", to which he pointed out that he was now home and I could look happy again. Well, good point, I guess. "Duh" sigh...
Lucy and her family came over to visit for a bit around 10:15 and then the kids arrived back at school from the trip to EKU. We lost the game which means no Sweet Sixteen for our boys basketball team...but we were only short by one game. Pretty great season. Precious Son came home and went to bed mad because he was hungry, they lost the game, and his dad made him mad by, well, being his dad. Frustrated sigh...
Lucy and family stayed until 11:30pm and we were all kind of spent by then. Thinking I would go right to sleep, I just laid in my bed thinking and feeling sad, still.
Had a dream that my darling doggie, Titan, was running through traffic and I couldn't get to him and save him. I felt sheer panic and even woke up that way. I hate that. I checked under the covers and Titan was there so I tried to go back to sleep, although it was difficult.
Morning came. Big plans again today. I always have big plans in the mornings...
The forecast for the Beautiful Daughter storm was easy to detect as she had apparently awakened with the same mood and attitude problem she had gone to bed with. Forecast says "moodiness with a big chance of attitude" moving in from the west...
Same weather pattern with Precious Son.
It wasn't long before I told them both to go back to riding the bus in the mornings if they were going to be so yucky. I only take them because I want to spend time with them while off from work, but Lord knows, I don't have to, so y'all can ride the bus. In fact, get the big seats so your bad attitudes can sit next to you.
Big Daddy couldn't find his keys which was a recipe for disaster with a hint of panic, which fueled everyone's fire. Eventually we found them and Big Daddy was off to another fun-filled day of learning things he already knows. I was very thankful that he remained pleasant while we searched for his keys because I was already on the verge of tears after the kids acted the way they did.
Before we were halfway to school, Precious Son hurt my feelings/made me mad/whatever, which actually went hand in hand with whatever it was that Beautiful Daughter had said/not said/done/not done and I just felt like crying. I actually could not wait be alone. Let their friends deal with them...oh, wait. They don't act like that around their friends. Nevermind.
Went to radiation and as always, those girls are the sweetest people on earth and always make my time with them so pleasant. Unfortunately, as soon as I put my clothes back on, the wave of sadness swelled inside of me again...and here we are.
You would think it obvious that not taking my daily dose of Cymbalta is why I am so blue and out of sorts emotionally. Well, being the over-thinker that I am, I can't help but wonder if all this alone time has afforded me the opportunity to sit in silence and hear myself. I think I have made it clear I do not like myself...which makes for a mental disaster, doesn't it?
I need a pill. I want my David Gray cd. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling.
I believe Jim Carrey as "The Grinch" put it best while talking with his darling doggie, Max...
"Max! Help me!! I'm FEELING!!!"
Maybe I am The Grinch and Titan is my rein-dog...then I wouldn't need a pill to figure it all out. I would just know I suck.
"The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?"
Oh, the Who-manity...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps0hsur52k8
How did I get here? Well, I have a pretty good idea and some of you will automatically assume I am correct, which I like...even if I am wrong. With the start of a new calendar year, you have to jump through the hoops to get everything back up and running, insurance-wise. I receive my anti-homicide pills through our mandatory mail order system with Blue Cross. No, wait. Prescriptions come through Aetna. Anyway, you have to receive your meds through the mail and you have to get a 90 day supply. Sounds easy enough. Well, it is easy if you remember and remembering is easy if you don't have chemo brain.
(holding face in hands as the tears stream down...)
I cannot begin to tell you how beyond frustrating it is to be unable to recall the simplest of things, facts, instructions, or how to get home... This isn't me... I can't find anything! All I want to do is listen to my David Gray cd and I can't find it!!! Sounds petty, huh? Well, it isn't when you consider that being unable to find my David Gray cd is the umpteenth thing I cannot find, remember, recall, or understand just for this morning. Unless you have been here, you do not understand...you just can't. Well, maybe people with dementia comprehend what I am going through...or Alzheimer's...but I'm not sure if they realize they cannot remember...I do.
So, my 90-day supply of anti-homicide pills have not arrived yet and I have been waiting and checking my bank account online to see when the money from the insurance company has been taken out. It was taken out yesterday, which is good because that means the order has been processed. I have been skipping a pill here and there to make sure they last until my stash arrives. Ah, there it is. The proverbial red flag.
You cannot stop taking "mind-altering" drugs and not have some effect. I know that. I just thought it would be better to stretch out the few I have left rather than be completely without and send my body into shock. Truly, that makes sense. I have been on these pills since the end of 2007...an incredibly, impossibly dark time for me. At the time, the pills were probably more anti-suicide rather than anti-homicide...
The prescription is for Cymbalta. It is for anxiety or depression or to take the edge off of fits of rage while driving around this stupid city...or all the above, I guess. Anyway, I have to go to the doctor every six months to be re-evaluated and have a new prescription sent to Aetna. Done. Went a few weeks ago and all was well...minus the whole updating for 2010 thing I forgot to do. Long story, short...decreasing my dosage was the poorer of choices when what I should have done was ask my physician for a temporary supply until the bulk shipment arrives. So very stupid sometimes...
I was naive to think back in September or so, that I could actually come off of the Cymbalta because things were going so great. I was dealing with the cancer, I was essentially a stay-at-home mom, which I love, and Big Daddy and I are at a place in our marriage where we both feel safe, secure, loved unconditionally, as well as in love. The kids were doing great with all the medical drama and were excelling at school and all extra-curricular activities. Family and friends were close and willing to do anything and everything for us. We were being prayed for by total strangers and found a church home. Things were really, really good despite having cancer...or maybe in spite of it.
So, I spoke with the doctor about getting weaned off the medicine and he suggested we wait until the new year, "just in case". Fine. Whatever it takes to make him feel better.
Having missed my Cymbalta yesterday and another day here and there for a couple of weeks, I have to wonder if I don't actually "need" it after all. If this is how I am going to feel, then forget it. Give me the dope.
I had really looked forward to this week because the kids are in school all day and Big Daddy has in-service, so he is on day shift, meaning I am alone in my house during the day. When everyone is safe, happy, healthy and where they are supposed to be and I get to be in my house alone, I am incredibly happy. I love being in my house alone. I love being a housewife. I love doing all the things to take care of my family...laundry, cooking, organizing, keeping house, and letting the cleaning lady in. (I will forever hate to clean...) I had planned on learning more and more about my camera, playing with photoshop, working on my websites, listening to music, and just being alone for a few hours a day. Sounds so boring, but I was very excited. Having all the domestic things accomplished and having a wonderful dinner every night with my whole family sitting around, recounting their day and then just hanging out with each other until bedtime is what my dreams are made of. I call it "happiness on the most simplistic of levels"...the very kind of happiness so many American families do not get to enjoy because both parents have to work outside the home just to keep their houses from foreclosure...pay for their kids to go to college...eat...
Well, maybe being home alone mandates a prerequisite for me to have full dosage of my prescribed meds in my system. Being alone on this, Day 3, is only making me sad. Now, is it because I am stretching out the anti-fill-in-the-blank medicine or is it because I really don't like being alone anymore?
Not sure...but this I do know: When I am alone, my mind is not my friend. I think about so many things, so many people, so many mistakes, so many hurts and heartaches...not many good things. Why is that? Maybe the Cymbalta is more for depression than I knew or realized. Maybe I never really needed it for anti-homicide control. What if I am sad underneath all this? What if I am depressed and unable to handle my life? What if I haven't handled all this cancer stuff as well as I thought because my "handling" of it was under the subdued protection of an invisible cloak?
What if I need this medicine? What if I am clinically depressed from here on out? What if I have been hiding behind some false sense of ok-ness because I never really realized I wasn't ok?
Oh, God! What if I never really healed/got over/dealt with the mess in '07 and the pills just mask it thus, without it, I would be catapulted emotionally back there?
There is a lyric from Lady Antebellum that says: "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all".
Forget that.
I completely disagree. I would rather not hurt. Period. I have hurt enough in my lifetime and have certainly met my "hurt quota" and let me just tell you one more thing...if I have to revisit 2007 many more times, there is a pretty darn good chance I will drive that jet black Suburban off the highest bridge I can find.
I had looked forward to everyone coming home after their busy day yesterday, us sharing our "Father Knows Best" meets "Leave it to Beaver" dinner and subsequent evening together. Well, my life is not a made-for-tv sitcom and so this is how yesterday went down...
Kids got home from school. Had to eat right away because Precious Son had pep band at EKU and had to be back at school soon. Beautiful Daughter had colorguard practice and we had to pick up her friend who needed a ride. Fortunately, I had crock-potted beef roast, made red potatoes, carrots, onions, and salad, so eating as soon as they came home was actually stress-free.
Ran kids hither and yon. Big Daddy gets home from in-service and eats dinner while he is changing his clothes. He is just as quickly gone as the kids as he had to meet Ken to purchase materials for the shop and has in-service all day Wednesday, so he had to do it Tuesday night. Again, I am left alone, and, despite everyone being where they were supposed to be and being safe, happy, and healthy, I did not necessarily enjoy being alone in my home. This was not how I had the evening planned in my head.
Picked up girls at 8:30 and both were in a bad mood because so-n-so said such-n-such...bossy...bad sportsmanship...she's really changed, Mom...not fair...etc...
Dropped off friend. Beautiful Daughter was moody. Exasperated sigh...
Took a hot shower and waited for Big Daddy to come back home. When he did, he asked why I looked sad and I said "because I missed you", to which he pointed out that he was now home and I could look happy again. Well, good point, I guess. "Duh" sigh...
Lucy and her family came over to visit for a bit around 10:15 and then the kids arrived back at school from the trip to EKU. We lost the game which means no Sweet Sixteen for our boys basketball team...but we were only short by one game. Pretty great season. Precious Son came home and went to bed mad because he was hungry, they lost the game, and his dad made him mad by, well, being his dad. Frustrated sigh...
Lucy and family stayed until 11:30pm and we were all kind of spent by then. Thinking I would go right to sleep, I just laid in my bed thinking and feeling sad, still.
Had a dream that my darling doggie, Titan, was running through traffic and I couldn't get to him and save him. I felt sheer panic and even woke up that way. I hate that. I checked under the covers and Titan was there so I tried to go back to sleep, although it was difficult.
Morning came. Big plans again today. I always have big plans in the mornings...
The forecast for the Beautiful Daughter storm was easy to detect as she had apparently awakened with the same mood and attitude problem she had gone to bed with. Forecast says "moodiness with a big chance of attitude" moving in from the west...
Same weather pattern with Precious Son.
It wasn't long before I told them both to go back to riding the bus in the mornings if they were going to be so yucky. I only take them because I want to spend time with them while off from work, but Lord knows, I don't have to, so y'all can ride the bus. In fact, get the big seats so your bad attitudes can sit next to you.
Big Daddy couldn't find his keys which was a recipe for disaster with a hint of panic, which fueled everyone's fire. Eventually we found them and Big Daddy was off to another fun-filled day of learning things he already knows. I was very thankful that he remained pleasant while we searched for his keys because I was already on the verge of tears after the kids acted the way they did.
Before we were halfway to school, Precious Son hurt my feelings/made me mad/whatever, which actually went hand in hand with whatever it was that Beautiful Daughter had said/not said/done/not done and I just felt like crying. I actually could not wait be alone. Let their friends deal with them...oh, wait. They don't act like that around their friends. Nevermind.
Went to radiation and as always, those girls are the sweetest people on earth and always make my time with them so pleasant. Unfortunately, as soon as I put my clothes back on, the wave of sadness swelled inside of me again...and here we are.
You would think it obvious that not taking my daily dose of Cymbalta is why I am so blue and out of sorts emotionally. Well, being the over-thinker that I am, I can't help but wonder if all this alone time has afforded me the opportunity to sit in silence and hear myself. I think I have made it clear I do not like myself...which makes for a mental disaster, doesn't it?
I need a pill. I want my David Gray cd. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling.
I believe Jim Carrey as "The Grinch" put it best while talking with his darling doggie, Max...
"Max! Help me!! I'm FEELING!!!"
Maybe I am The Grinch and Titan is my rein-dog...then I wouldn't need a pill to figure it all out. I would just know I suck.
"The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?"
Oh, the Who-manity...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps0hsur52k8
Monday, March 8, 2010
A Day in the Life of My Very Busy Head...
How is it already 6am?
No wonder I am sweating with these dogs piled up on top of me.
She is so beautiful when she is sleeping.
Why do the neighbors let their dogs out as soon as I let ours out, no matter when that is????
Jerks.
MY DOGS ARE BEING ANTAGONIZED TO BARK!!!
I love sleep.
Maybe today I can take some more pictures.
How can you check your horoscope and be a Christian? Jesus said NOT to seek out fortune tellers and soothsayers.
What's a "sooth"?
Precious Son...barely fits in his bed at 6'4". God love his heart.
Adoration.
Confession.
Thanksgiving.
Supplication.
The girls at radiation are so wonderful!!!! Every day, they make me feel important and as if they are genuinely glad to see me. I hope they like me as much as I like them.
I love walking my dogs.
Our water bill has doubled because of that faucet dripping.
Maybe I'm not allergic to NutraSweet and Splenda but just the cola itself.
Trash night.
Why are lunchmeat and pizza round when sandwich bread and pizza boxes are square?
I hope trash tv goes away. Why do people keep tuning in? What is wrong with you all??? How is watching fighting good? Or smut? Do you really care which of the four she was sleeping with got her pregnant? Would you be embarrassed if God walked in while you were watching some of what you watch? Turn it off. God, just turn it off... Nevermind. I'll do it. (sitting in a waiting room)
"Do not confuse your vested interests with ethics. Do not identify the enemies of your privilege with the enemies of humanity." ~Max Lerner, Actions and Passions, 1949
Who coined the phrase, "coined the phrase"?
Is he thinking about me?
Need to find out about settings for compositions in natural light.
Maybe I can stop wearing my hats soon. This is not necessarily good if my hair comes back like it left.
Man's inhumanity to man. Hate that. How can people be so mean even under the guise of war?
If I exercise more, I can still eat ice cream. There HAS to be a way...
I need to buy a rotisserie.
Sitara? Ritsara? Simbara? Ok. I know it's at St. Pete beach...
Babs will never know how much I admire her strength.
Is there another word for thesaurus?
How could someone intentionally harm a child or an animal or anything with breath?
I am a terrible role model while in a vehicle...driving, music, phone, inattentive...
Is he thinking about me?
If I had to choose between having them change out the toilet paper roll or remove their shirts from their sweatshirts before putting them in the laundry, which would I choose?
Why do I have to choose? DO IT!!!!
How can people come out of their house looking so stupid? You are begging me to think bad things about you...and I do...which makes me mad because then I am a bad person but it's your fault.
I have issues...anger, emotional, indecisiveness about which issues are worse.
I'm sorry, your bumper sticker says to "Go Organic"...is that cigarette you are smoking organic? And what about that second hand smoke your kids are choking down in your van? Organic? Just checking.
People are such hypocrites.
I am such a hypocrite.
No, no. Please cut me off in traffic so you can get to the red light first.
Idiot.
Thank you for smoking while pumping gas. This is exactly how I wanted to make my grand exit from this ole world.
Why isn't there a light in the freezer? There's one in the fridge...
What am I looking for in the freezer?
Sirata!!! That's it. The Sirata Resort in St. Petersburg.
"I wanna love like Johnny and June...I wanna walk the line, walk the line...til the end of time" (song)
How many people have looked for loopholes in the Bible besides me? Am I the only sinner?
What do people in China call their good plates?
I wonder if anyone else worries about these tv's dangling from the ceilings in WalMart. Every one I walk under I think, "That could fall on me and kill me. Am I the only one who thinks about this?"
I have no idea why I feel the way I do about you, or you, or especially you.
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! You cannot be serious!!! PICK UP AFTER YOURSELVES!!!!
No, my name is NOT Anal McLooney. Do what you are supposed to do!!!
I love Girl Scout cookies.
How can I use my admiration and devotion for our military and help soldiers post-tour?
Need to throw that out. Why did I freeze that knowing I would not eat it? Ugh.
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
"Now the party don't start til I walk in..." (song)
I love, Love, LOVE my new camera!!!
Civil War???
No, you did NOT just talk to your child that way!!! Give them to me. Now!!!
Why do some people have children and mistreat them while others have only memories?
People find the police intrusive until they need them to intrude.
People. People. People. Race, religion, ethnicity, financial status...these are not the things that define you unless you allow them to. Don't! Just be you...not a label. Diversity is beauty and strength. Your character is your choice.
Ooooooooooooooooh!!! Excellent photo!!
Is he thinking about me?
I hate traffic.
"Come over here-What's your name? Come closer-What's your number?" (song)
Germany. *sigh*
Seemingly there IS a way to justify absolutely everything if you are narcissistic. Good for the narcissists. Bad for the rest of us.
Did that rhyme?
The Horse. God's most beautiful creature.
"I wish I could be as cruel as you-And I wish I could say the things you do-But I can't and I won't live a lie-No not this time..." (song)
Do I look like that??
Check on Mary Jo and Jim.
I love butterflies. Flutterbyes. I wish I had thought to call them that.
What to fix for dinner?
El Toro.
My eyesight is getting worse.
I love photography!!!
Fat chance. Slim chance. Same thing, right?
Would it take and act of God to have anyone besides me change the toilet paper roll?
So many people would be shocked to know my thoughts...sometimes even I am.
Photoshop is like coloring to me...and coloring makes me soooooooooooooooooooo happy!!!
I am so tired.
I love the cooking utensil aisle.
How do they get teflon coatings to stick to the pans?
Will anyone remember me as I want to be remembered?
Maybe it is the Nutrasweet and Splenda...who has ever been allergic to cola?
How can I feel so many emotions about one person and never settle on just one?
Near miss...orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr near hit?
I believe that women have the right to work outside the home, however, I also believe we, as a society, are paying the price for two-income families, latchkey kids, and keeping up with the Joneses. There was a simple reverence for family when moms stayed home, raised the kids, kept house, and wore a strand of pearls.
I miss my mom. I miss my mom and my dad.
Why do convicted criminals have more rights than victims and why am I paying for their college degrees and three hot squares while they do not have to work because "forced labor" violates their civil rights? What the...??? What happened to all my plans to revamp the probation and parole system along with creating prison systems that are self-sufficient AND incorporate forced labor? Oh, yeah...I remember.
"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you..." Um...isn't it about him?
Our kids are awesome and so are their friends.
I wish we had five children.
Your procrastination does not constitute an emergency for me. Oh, wait. Apparently it does.
Please don't put me in a nursing home.
Dinner table with my family. Happiness.
I am not who I thought I would be and I am running out of time to be that person...not just from the cancer, just because time waits for no one.
Would I sacrifice the person I am for the person I want to become or be remembered as being?
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! STUPID, STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!! STOP SPEEDING THROUGH NEIGHBORHOODS WHERE CHILDREN PLAY!!!
"Imma be up in da club, doin' whatever I like..." (song)
Maybe 30 hours a day would be enough...well, 34.
Does anyone get music like I do...I thought so once. Music is what my feelings sound like.
If he were to call "just to hear my voice", surely, my voice would crack or I would say something stupid. He still gives me goosebumps and makes me feel like a schoolgirl and I still want to impress him. What grade am I in????
I hate the word "goosebumps".
"I’m like a jackdaw cawing at your back door, scratching at your windowpane-Hey throw your window wide and taste the April night with me again-Girl we been veering backwards disappearing down into the murky deep-Baby come on, we’ll be a long time gone" (song)
Need to email Kimmie, Deena, and Taylor.
I'm really a terrible person but I want to be good.
Babs and Midge and Lucy and Elay and Ms. B are good.
Will we ever move into our dream house?
Carla is so sweet to help me. I love her.
Why didn't he say "Yes, we have been attending a new church since December" instead of saying "No place regularly"?
I love a house full of kids and being the "cool mom".
How far away would I have to go to be far away enough?
We will be excellent grandparents. EXCELLENT!!! (No, not anytime soon...LOL)
I love my dogs.
Tomorrow has the capability to contradict today.
I should not be left alone because that is when I am most weak to do stupid things.
"It's a quarter after one and I need you now..." (song)
"The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile." ~Plato
Live with integrity, dignity, kindness, and love....and share each wholeheartedly.
Uninhibited thinking when all is quiet, kids are snuggled down in their beds, and I am alone as the day ends.
Sadly seeing him off to work.
Why did it take a cancer diagnosis to live?
I love the sight of stars.
Is he thinking about me?
I miss him...
No wonder I am sweating with these dogs piled up on top of me.
She is so beautiful when she is sleeping.
Why do the neighbors let their dogs out as soon as I let ours out, no matter when that is????
Jerks.
MY DOGS ARE BEING ANTAGONIZED TO BARK!!!
I love sleep.
Maybe today I can take some more pictures.
How can you check your horoscope and be a Christian? Jesus said NOT to seek out fortune tellers and soothsayers.
What's a "sooth"?
Precious Son...barely fits in his bed at 6'4". God love his heart.
Adoration.
Confession.
Thanksgiving.
Supplication.
The girls at radiation are so wonderful!!!! Every day, they make me feel important and as if they are genuinely glad to see me. I hope they like me as much as I like them.
I love walking my dogs.
Our water bill has doubled because of that faucet dripping.
Maybe I'm not allergic to NutraSweet and Splenda but just the cola itself.
Trash night.
Why are lunchmeat and pizza round when sandwich bread and pizza boxes are square?
I hope trash tv goes away. Why do people keep tuning in? What is wrong with you all??? How is watching fighting good? Or smut? Do you really care which of the four she was sleeping with got her pregnant? Would you be embarrassed if God walked in while you were watching some of what you watch? Turn it off. God, just turn it off... Nevermind. I'll do it. (sitting in a waiting room)
"Do not confuse your vested interests with ethics. Do not identify the enemies of your privilege with the enemies of humanity." ~Max Lerner, Actions and Passions, 1949
Who coined the phrase, "coined the phrase"?
Is he thinking about me?
Need to find out about settings for compositions in natural light.
Maybe I can stop wearing my hats soon. This is not necessarily good if my hair comes back like it left.
Man's inhumanity to man. Hate that. How can people be so mean even under the guise of war?
If I exercise more, I can still eat ice cream. There HAS to be a way...
I need to buy a rotisserie.
Sitara? Ritsara? Simbara? Ok. I know it's at St. Pete beach...
Babs will never know how much I admire her strength.
Is there another word for thesaurus?
How could someone intentionally harm a child or an animal or anything with breath?
I am a terrible role model while in a vehicle...driving, music, phone, inattentive...
Is he thinking about me?
If I had to choose between having them change out the toilet paper roll or remove their shirts from their sweatshirts before putting them in the laundry, which would I choose?
Why do I have to choose? DO IT!!!!
How can people come out of their house looking so stupid? You are begging me to think bad things about you...and I do...which makes me mad because then I am a bad person but it's your fault.
I have issues...anger, emotional, indecisiveness about which issues are worse.
I'm sorry, your bumper sticker says to "Go Organic"...is that cigarette you are smoking organic? And what about that second hand smoke your kids are choking down in your van? Organic? Just checking.
People are such hypocrites.
I am such a hypocrite.
No, no. Please cut me off in traffic so you can get to the red light first.
Idiot.
Thank you for smoking while pumping gas. This is exactly how I wanted to make my grand exit from this ole world.
Why isn't there a light in the freezer? There's one in the fridge...
What am I looking for in the freezer?
Sirata!!! That's it. The Sirata Resort in St. Petersburg.
"I wanna love like Johnny and June...I wanna walk the line, walk the line...til the end of time" (song)
How many people have looked for loopholes in the Bible besides me? Am I the only sinner?
What do people in China call their good plates?
I wonder if anyone else worries about these tv's dangling from the ceilings in WalMart. Every one I walk under I think, "That could fall on me and kill me. Am I the only one who thinks about this?"
I have no idea why I feel the way I do about you, or you, or especially you.
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! You cannot be serious!!! PICK UP AFTER YOURSELVES!!!!
No, my name is NOT Anal McLooney. Do what you are supposed to do!!!
I love Girl Scout cookies.
How can I use my admiration and devotion for our military and help soldiers post-tour?
Need to throw that out. Why did I freeze that knowing I would not eat it? Ugh.
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
"Now the party don't start til I walk in..." (song)
I love, Love, LOVE my new camera!!!
Civil War???
No, you did NOT just talk to your child that way!!! Give them to me. Now!!!
Why do some people have children and mistreat them while others have only memories?
People find the police intrusive until they need them to intrude.
People. People. People. Race, religion, ethnicity, financial status...these are not the things that define you unless you allow them to. Don't! Just be you...not a label. Diversity is beauty and strength. Your character is your choice.
Ooooooooooooooooh!!! Excellent photo!!
Is he thinking about me?
I hate traffic.
"Come over here-What's your name? Come closer-What's your number?" (song)
Germany. *sigh*
Seemingly there IS a way to justify absolutely everything if you are narcissistic. Good for the narcissists. Bad for the rest of us.
Did that rhyme?
The Horse. God's most beautiful creature.
"I wish I could be as cruel as you-And I wish I could say the things you do-But I can't and I won't live a lie-No not this time..." (song)
Do I look like that??
Check on Mary Jo and Jim.
I love butterflies. Flutterbyes. I wish I had thought to call them that.
What to fix for dinner?
El Toro.
My eyesight is getting worse.
I love photography!!!
Fat chance. Slim chance. Same thing, right?
Would it take and act of God to have anyone besides me change the toilet paper roll?
So many people would be shocked to know my thoughts...sometimes even I am.
Photoshop is like coloring to me...and coloring makes me soooooooooooooooooooo happy!!!
I am so tired.
I love the cooking utensil aisle.
How do they get teflon coatings to stick to the pans?
Will anyone remember me as I want to be remembered?
Maybe it is the Nutrasweet and Splenda...who has ever been allergic to cola?
How can I feel so many emotions about one person and never settle on just one?
Near miss...orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr near hit?
I believe that women have the right to work outside the home, however, I also believe we, as a society, are paying the price for two-income families, latchkey kids, and keeping up with the Joneses. There was a simple reverence for family when moms stayed home, raised the kids, kept house, and wore a strand of pearls.
I miss my mom. I miss my mom and my dad.
Why do convicted criminals have more rights than victims and why am I paying for their college degrees and three hot squares while they do not have to work because "forced labor" violates their civil rights? What the...??? What happened to all my plans to revamp the probation and parole system along with creating prison systems that are self-sufficient AND incorporate forced labor? Oh, yeah...I remember.
"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you..." Um...isn't it about him?
Our kids are awesome and so are their friends.
I wish we had five children.
Your procrastination does not constitute an emergency for me. Oh, wait. Apparently it does.
Please don't put me in a nursing home.
Dinner table with my family. Happiness.
I am not who I thought I would be and I am running out of time to be that person...not just from the cancer, just because time waits for no one.
Would I sacrifice the person I am for the person I want to become or be remembered as being?
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! STUPID, STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!! STOP SPEEDING THROUGH NEIGHBORHOODS WHERE CHILDREN PLAY!!!
"Imma be up in da club, doin' whatever I like..." (song)
Maybe 30 hours a day would be enough...well, 34.
Does anyone get music like I do...I thought so once. Music is what my feelings sound like.
If he were to call "just to hear my voice", surely, my voice would crack or I would say something stupid. He still gives me goosebumps and makes me feel like a schoolgirl and I still want to impress him. What grade am I in????
I hate the word "goosebumps".
"I’m like a jackdaw cawing at your back door, scratching at your windowpane-Hey throw your window wide and taste the April night with me again-Girl we been veering backwards disappearing down into the murky deep-Baby come on, we’ll be a long time gone" (song)
Need to email Kimmie, Deena, and Taylor.
I'm really a terrible person but I want to be good.
Babs and Midge and Lucy and Elay and Ms. B are good.
Will we ever move into our dream house?
Carla is so sweet to help me. I love her.
Why didn't he say "Yes, we have been attending a new church since December" instead of saying "No place regularly"?
I love a house full of kids and being the "cool mom".
How far away would I have to go to be far away enough?
We will be excellent grandparents. EXCELLENT!!! (No, not anytime soon...LOL)
I love my dogs.
Tomorrow has the capability to contradict today.
I should not be left alone because that is when I am most weak to do stupid things.
"It's a quarter after one and I need you now..." (song)
"The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile." ~Plato
Live with integrity, dignity, kindness, and love....and share each wholeheartedly.
Uninhibited thinking when all is quiet, kids are snuggled down in their beds, and I am alone as the day ends.
Sadly seeing him off to work.
Why did it take a cancer diagnosis to live?
I love the sight of stars.
Is he thinking about me?
I miss him...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
No Cancer Today...
I woke up around 8am, after a pretty rough night. Apparently chemo and radiation on the same day is not a recipe for feeling great. I fell asleep before Big Daddy ever went to work...which I hate. I always "see him off", and when I don't, I just feel terrible. I mean, how tired are you that you can't stay up until 10pm to see your husband off? Ugh. Hate that.
Anyway, I woke up around 8 Saturday morning and realized Beautiful Daughter was in my bed. I don't even recall her coming into my room, much less getting into bed. She and Babs had a late night redecorating Beautiful Daughter's bedroom. It looks so lovely. Deep, but bright yellow painted walls, magenta curtains, and a host of vibrant colors in her new comforter set. Pink and yellow...the favorite colors of my parents...
As Beautiful Daughter began to stir, I rubbed her arm and wished her a happy 15th birthday. How did this happen? I just had her... It was a Thursday, she was two weeks late, and the ignorant check-in clerk told me I was not in labor. (She later changed her mind as she dangled from the IV pole...just don't ask how she got up there and you won't have to testify...)
So much to do this gorgeous Saturday as our baby turns fifteen. Her friends will be arriving at 5:30 this afternoon for a cookout, movie (Alice in Wonderland in 3D), and then back home for cake and ice cream... Good thing I got up when I did...
Beautiful Daughter and I got up, got dressed, grabbed the empty propane tank and took it to WalMart for a refill. (This one is our backup tank. You know full well you will run out of gas when you have company over for a cookout and no time to go get a new one without ruining dinner. Fool me once, shame on me...)
Went to Jeff's Car Wash. Wanting to have a clean vehicle for carting and carrying this evening, I thought we would head out there first, you know, before the line got long from all the other people with salt and dried mud on their vehicles.
Jeff's was closed for the next hour. Grrrrrrr. Fine. Too much to do to crack this early.
Went to the bank and made a deposit.
Went to the Party Store because I realized I am an idiot and did not buy enough Nemo and Dorie plates for cake and ice cream. Yes, Nemo. Hey, she's trapped in that world between wanting to be a young woman and wanting to remain a child. I get that and I'm 40-something!
Went back to WalMart to buy groceries for cookout and party. Also bought a chicken. It looked good and I was hungry because by now, it was going on 11.
Came home, put up groceries. Woke up Precious Son because he had to be at school at noon.
Took Precious Son to school after feeding him in the car. Yes, I fed him in the car because I am no longer concerned with the Mother of the Year contest as I was disqualified back in January over that whole "say one more thing to my daughter and I will smack yo mouf" thingy...
Dropped off Precious Son and went back to Jeff's Car Wash. Apparently the place was back up and running because the line was about a mile long. Realizing time is tick-tocking away, I did what anyone would do, and left...circling around, coming in from the other side from the major road, taking a left into the line because the rest of the people were behind the stop sign, and wound up in about 6th place, as opposed 66th. Hey. It isn't my fault I am THAT smart. Oh, and if the people who realized what I did are reading this, I would like to say I am sorry, but I am not, so I can't lie about it. You see, I am also out of the running for Citizen of the Year after the whole "Yes, you can put the Lafayette Mulch Fundraiser sign in my yard but not the political signs or garage sale signs or have-your-man-love-you-by-losing-weight-with-this-simple-yet-unapproved-by-the-FDA-pill signs" fiasco which may or may not have resulted in someone having a pile of of signs in their front yard denoting above-mentioned garage sale. Hey! It's not my fault I know who you are, you psycho-sign man!
Next.
Left Jeff's and went back to WalMart, and yes, this would be the third trip there, to see if the cake was done. It was!! YAY!! Left WalMart and took cake home.
Sun was shining brightly, drove in shock that I even remembered what the sun looked like.
Babs came over and she and Beautiful Daughter worked in the pink and yellow room while I fixed hotdog chili and a few other things. You see, on Sunday, we are having pork loin, restaurant style potatoes, baked beans, salad, and whatever leftovers we have from the party because Precious Son does not like pork. *feel free to insert groan here, if you are the one in charge of feeding your persnickety eaters, like I am*
Made hotdog chili.
Boiled red potatoes thus beginning Stage 1 of restaurant style potato creation.
Washed lettuce, tomatoes.
Sliced Vidalia onions, tomatoes, green onions, lettuce.
Began baked beans.
Washed dishes as I went along.
Checked the mail. Nothing yet.
Ate some of that chicken I bought four hours ago when I was starving four hours ago.
Set out sturdy plastic plates, cups, forks, knives, spoons.
De-boned the rotisserie chicken.
Kissed Big Daddy goodbye as he left out on his Harley, barely able to contain his excitement about being able to ride...you know, it's been so long thanks to me. =o(
Went to buy movie tickets for the 7:25 show. Thought this to be a grand idea as two weeks ago when "Dear John" came out, I wound up dropping the girls off, picking them up, dropping them off, picking them up, and dropping them off and picking them up because each show was sold out. Not this time!! Fool me once...
Checked the mail. Still nothing.
Cracked ice. Refilled trays because I am a firm believer in putting water in the ice trays after cracking ice. I know. Call me crazy. It's right up there with changing out the toilet paper roll...
Picked up the house, meaning, I arranged the couch pillows because I have a wonderful cleaning lady now and there isn't that much to do.
Looked for my new candle.
Realized while looking for my new candle that I did not know where I put the birthday candles I had just bought.
Looked for birthday candles.
Checked mail. Nothing. Where is he????
Worried that everyone may not like chocolate cake, went back to Walmart and picked up white cake cupcakes. Trip #4.
Took a shower.
Found my new candle, still hunted for birthday candles.
Was finally invited to see Beautiful Daughter's room after she and Babs had worked so hard in it and it was lovely!!!
Big Daddy came home and helped Babs set up Beautiful Daughter's new bed, which was a gift from the most amazingly generous, loving, kind, and gracious person we know.
Becca came over and applied lip plumper on her lips that she bought at Sephora while trying to figure out if the main ingredient is snake venom.
Looked for birthday candles.
Checked mail. Are you freaking kidding me??!!?!?!??!?
Went to pick up Precious Son from school and napped in truck while I waited because by now, say, 4pm, I was exhausted, my back hurt, and I was about to collapse.
Came home, instructed Precious Son to pick up his room.
Mail came. YAY!!
Guests began to arrive at 5:15.
Babs went home to take her son to baseball practice...but she would be back as soon as she could.
Found the birthday candles. YAY!!!
Cracked more ice and STILL put more water in the trays. Rebel.
Put three bags of french fries in the oven.
Had Big Daddy start the grill, for he is the Grill Master.
Precious Son picked up Dylan.
Thanked God for Precious Son passing his driver's road test on the first try after having his appointment cancelled four times due to snow.
Said grace.
Helped 10 teenagers fix their hotdogs, hamburgers, and drinks. Gave them all paper plates.
Fed Big Daddy.
Sat down. Got up. Had realized I HAD purchased sturdy plastic plates and that there was no need to try and fit all that food including baked beans on paper plates!!!
Made kids switch to sturdy plastic plates...yes, at this point it was more for general purposes than need, but...that's me.
Cleaned up.
Packed the truck with giggly girls as they all put on their 3D glasses and headed to the movie theater.
Big Daddy tried to nap before work as several teenage boys played football in the yard and X-Box in the house.
Babs and her son came over and ate dinner. I felt bad because Big Daddy had put everything away while I was running the girls to the movies, and I had to get everything out again. I was afraid he would think I didn't appreciate his help, but I truly, truly did!!
Talked with Babs and son until the other boys took Babs' son away to play games...then talked to Babs. She was getting excited because her hubby, Ken, would be coming home on Sunday and she missed him.
Cracked more ice. Filled more ice trays. Still such the rebel.
Feeling said rebellion, went to bathroom to check the status of the toilet paper roll.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Changed toilet paper roll.
Texted Lucy and her crew about coming for cake and ice cream.
Brought out Nemo and Dorie cake, took pictures of cake, cupcakes, gift bags, and the like.
Set out the ice cream to soften a bit while Babs and I went to pick up the girls.
Picked up girls and laughed as Lucy and crew went into my house but were convinced no one was there, despite several people being there but too afraid to wake Big Daddy, so they were very, very quiet.
Laughed out loud.
Gathered up girls, headed home from theater.
Wished I had cotton for my ears with that high squeal pitch that only teenage girls can emit...Kind of like bats.
Came home, brought everyone together, sang Happy Birthday to our baby girl.
The joy lasted approximately 15 seconds until T-Hawk blew out her last candle.
Mentally reminisced about how Beautiful Daughter and T-Hawk have been the thorn in each other's side since first grade.
Smiled broadly.
Cut the cake.
Scooped the ice cream.
Poured the drinks.
No one wanted white cake cupcakes.
Beautiful Daughter opened presents and lit up the room with her humor, smile, and graciousness.
Realized I might be biased about my kids.
Kissed Big Daddy goodbye as he went off to work.
Took lots of pictures.
Cleaned up the kitchen, yet again.
Listened as the walls of my home echoed with laughter.
Thanked God for the opportunity to be here...at this time...on this day...
Made "to-go" plates for our guests to take with them, including a dozen, white cake cupcakes.
Began the chauffeur service and took everyone home.
Talked with Babs and went to bed.
Laid in bed, feeling utter fatigue and incredibly blessed for this busy, busy day. The kind of day where I was too busy to have cancer because I was being a wife, mom, friend, chauffeur and WalMart consumer.
Got up to put pork loin in crock pot because it was now going on 1am and we will be eating at noon...
Yep. I just don't have time to have cancer.
Anyway, I woke up around 8 Saturday morning and realized Beautiful Daughter was in my bed. I don't even recall her coming into my room, much less getting into bed. She and Babs had a late night redecorating Beautiful Daughter's bedroom. It looks so lovely. Deep, but bright yellow painted walls, magenta curtains, and a host of vibrant colors in her new comforter set. Pink and yellow...the favorite colors of my parents...
As Beautiful Daughter began to stir, I rubbed her arm and wished her a happy 15th birthday. How did this happen? I just had her... It was a Thursday, she was two weeks late, and the ignorant check-in clerk told me I was not in labor. (She later changed her mind as she dangled from the IV pole...just don't ask how she got up there and you won't have to testify...)
So much to do this gorgeous Saturday as our baby turns fifteen. Her friends will be arriving at 5:30 this afternoon for a cookout, movie (Alice in Wonderland in 3D), and then back home for cake and ice cream... Good thing I got up when I did...
Beautiful Daughter and I got up, got dressed, grabbed the empty propane tank and took it to WalMart for a refill. (This one is our backup tank. You know full well you will run out of gas when you have company over for a cookout and no time to go get a new one without ruining dinner. Fool me once, shame on me...)
Went to Jeff's Car Wash. Wanting to have a clean vehicle for carting and carrying this evening, I thought we would head out there first, you know, before the line got long from all the other people with salt and dried mud on their vehicles.
Jeff's was closed for the next hour. Grrrrrrr. Fine. Too much to do to crack this early.
Went to the bank and made a deposit.
Went to the Party Store because I realized I am an idiot and did not buy enough Nemo and Dorie plates for cake and ice cream. Yes, Nemo. Hey, she's trapped in that world between wanting to be a young woman and wanting to remain a child. I get that and I'm 40-something!
Went back to WalMart to buy groceries for cookout and party. Also bought a chicken. It looked good and I was hungry because by now, it was going on 11.
Came home, put up groceries. Woke up Precious Son because he had to be at school at noon.
Took Precious Son to school after feeding him in the car. Yes, I fed him in the car because I am no longer concerned with the Mother of the Year contest as I was disqualified back in January over that whole "say one more thing to my daughter and I will smack yo mouf" thingy...
Dropped off Precious Son and went back to Jeff's Car Wash. Apparently the place was back up and running because the line was about a mile long. Realizing time is tick-tocking away, I did what anyone would do, and left...circling around, coming in from the other side from the major road, taking a left into the line because the rest of the people were behind the stop sign, and wound up in about 6th place, as opposed 66th. Hey. It isn't my fault I am THAT smart. Oh, and if the people who realized what I did are reading this, I would like to say I am sorry, but I am not, so I can't lie about it. You see, I am also out of the running for Citizen of the Year after the whole "Yes, you can put the Lafayette Mulch Fundraiser sign in my yard but not the political signs or garage sale signs or have-your-man-love-you-by-losing-weight-with-this-simple-yet-unapproved-by-the-FDA-pill signs" fiasco which may or may not have resulted in someone having a pile of of signs in their front yard denoting above-mentioned garage sale. Hey! It's not my fault I know who you are, you psycho-sign man!
Next.
Left Jeff's and went back to WalMart, and yes, this would be the third trip there, to see if the cake was done. It was!! YAY!! Left WalMart and took cake home.
Sun was shining brightly, drove in shock that I even remembered what the sun looked like.
Babs came over and she and Beautiful Daughter worked in the pink and yellow room while I fixed hotdog chili and a few other things. You see, on Sunday, we are having pork loin, restaurant style potatoes, baked beans, salad, and whatever leftovers we have from the party because Precious Son does not like pork. *feel free to insert groan here, if you are the one in charge of feeding your persnickety eaters, like I am*
Made hotdog chili.
Boiled red potatoes thus beginning Stage 1 of restaurant style potato creation.
Washed lettuce, tomatoes.
Sliced Vidalia onions, tomatoes, green onions, lettuce.
Began baked beans.
Washed dishes as I went along.
Checked the mail. Nothing yet.
Ate some of that chicken I bought four hours ago when I was starving four hours ago.
Set out sturdy plastic plates, cups, forks, knives, spoons.
De-boned the rotisserie chicken.
Kissed Big Daddy goodbye as he left out on his Harley, barely able to contain his excitement about being able to ride...you know, it's been so long thanks to me. =o(
Went to buy movie tickets for the 7:25 show. Thought this to be a grand idea as two weeks ago when "Dear John" came out, I wound up dropping the girls off, picking them up, dropping them off, picking them up, and dropping them off and picking them up because each show was sold out. Not this time!! Fool me once...
Checked the mail. Still nothing.
Cracked ice. Refilled trays because I am a firm believer in putting water in the ice trays after cracking ice. I know. Call me crazy. It's right up there with changing out the toilet paper roll...
Picked up the house, meaning, I arranged the couch pillows because I have a wonderful cleaning lady now and there isn't that much to do.
Looked for my new candle.
Realized while looking for my new candle that I did not know where I put the birthday candles I had just bought.
Looked for birthday candles.
Checked mail. Nothing. Where is he????
Worried that everyone may not like chocolate cake, went back to Walmart and picked up white cake cupcakes. Trip #4.
Took a shower.
Found my new candle, still hunted for birthday candles.
Was finally invited to see Beautiful Daughter's room after she and Babs had worked so hard in it and it was lovely!!!
Big Daddy came home and helped Babs set up Beautiful Daughter's new bed, which was a gift from the most amazingly generous, loving, kind, and gracious person we know.
Becca came over and applied lip plumper on her lips that she bought at Sephora while trying to figure out if the main ingredient is snake venom.
Looked for birthday candles.
Checked mail. Are you freaking kidding me??!!?!?!??!?
Went to pick up Precious Son from school and napped in truck while I waited because by now, say, 4pm, I was exhausted, my back hurt, and I was about to collapse.
Came home, instructed Precious Son to pick up his room.
Mail came. YAY!!
Guests began to arrive at 5:15.
Babs went home to take her son to baseball practice...but she would be back as soon as she could.
Found the birthday candles. YAY!!!
Cracked more ice and STILL put more water in the trays. Rebel.
Put three bags of french fries in the oven.
Had Big Daddy start the grill, for he is the Grill Master.
Precious Son picked up Dylan.
Thanked God for Precious Son passing his driver's road test on the first try after having his appointment cancelled four times due to snow.
Said grace.
Helped 10 teenagers fix their hotdogs, hamburgers, and drinks. Gave them all paper plates.
Fed Big Daddy.
Sat down. Got up. Had realized I HAD purchased sturdy plastic plates and that there was no need to try and fit all that food including baked beans on paper plates!!!
Made kids switch to sturdy plastic plates...yes, at this point it was more for general purposes than need, but...that's me.
Cleaned up.
Packed the truck with giggly girls as they all put on their 3D glasses and headed to the movie theater.
Big Daddy tried to nap before work as several teenage boys played football in the yard and X-Box in the house.
Babs and her son came over and ate dinner. I felt bad because Big Daddy had put everything away while I was running the girls to the movies, and I had to get everything out again. I was afraid he would think I didn't appreciate his help, but I truly, truly did!!
Talked with Babs and son until the other boys took Babs' son away to play games...then talked to Babs. She was getting excited because her hubby, Ken, would be coming home on Sunday and she missed him.
Cracked more ice. Filled more ice trays. Still such the rebel.
Feeling said rebellion, went to bathroom to check the status of the toilet paper roll.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Changed toilet paper roll.
Texted Lucy and her crew about coming for cake and ice cream.
Brought out Nemo and Dorie cake, took pictures of cake, cupcakes, gift bags, and the like.
Set out the ice cream to soften a bit while Babs and I went to pick up the girls.
Picked up girls and laughed as Lucy and crew went into my house but were convinced no one was there, despite several people being there but too afraid to wake Big Daddy, so they were very, very quiet.
Laughed out loud.
Gathered up girls, headed home from theater.
Wished I had cotton for my ears with that high squeal pitch that only teenage girls can emit...Kind of like bats.
Came home, brought everyone together, sang Happy Birthday to our baby girl.
The joy lasted approximately 15 seconds until T-Hawk blew out her last candle.
Mentally reminisced about how Beautiful Daughter and T-Hawk have been the thorn in each other's side since first grade.
Smiled broadly.
Cut the cake.
Scooped the ice cream.
Poured the drinks.
No one wanted white cake cupcakes.
Beautiful Daughter opened presents and lit up the room with her humor, smile, and graciousness.
Realized I might be biased about my kids.
Kissed Big Daddy goodbye as he went off to work.
Took lots of pictures.
Cleaned up the kitchen, yet again.
Listened as the walls of my home echoed with laughter.
Thanked God for the opportunity to be here...at this time...on this day...
Made "to-go" plates for our guests to take with them, including a dozen, white cake cupcakes.
Began the chauffeur service and took everyone home.
Talked with Babs and went to bed.
Laid in bed, feeling utter fatigue and incredibly blessed for this busy, busy day. The kind of day where I was too busy to have cancer because I was being a wife, mom, friend, chauffeur and WalMart consumer.
Got up to put pork loin in crock pot because it was now going on 1am and we will be eating at noon...
Yep. I just don't have time to have cancer.
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