Fourth Chemo Treatment 11-20-09

It is going on 6am and I cannot sleep. I have tried to sleep all night, without much success. I have tossed and turned and woke up every hour on the hour. Even the best meds cannot make you sleep when you are so incredibly preoccupied with something as large and daunting as chemotherapy.

The effects have been the same but different, each time. Kind of like Forrest Gump and his box of chocolates....I never know what I am going to get. Seemingly, I have been prescribed anti-effect medicines better than ever before and am hopeful that I will have the same success with defeating the monsters this go 'round. Please do not think for a moment though, that success in combat warrants less of a war. This is still a war. A war against my body and my mind...against my willpower and my sanity. A war waged toward my healing and having a life as poison is injected into my veins beginning with my jugular. Please never discount the monumental undertaking that chemo presents to someone. Even with drugs that offset the side effects, they are still fighting for their life and that is a scary place to be...

My mind races with "what if's" and "did this get done"... Our kids are leaving for their Fall Retreat after school today, so they will be gone all weekend, home on Sunday afternoon. It is a Christian retreat for high schoolers and they are very excited. They have gone every year, having started in elemetary school, and come back rejuvenated spiritually. I think they may be a bit afraid to leave for this one, though, as the last one they went on this summer had them on a spiritual high that was hard to touch...and then they came home and were told I had cancer. They are both concerned, knowing that I have chemo today and what all that entails, that they may very well come home on Sunday with more bad news. I hope not for their sakes.

Honestly, wouldn't one think that I am running out of things to go awry, anyway? I mean really, back surgery?!?!?!? In the middle of chemo?!??!?!?!? Being diagnosed with a degenerative disorder that I didn't know I had...that is being aggravated and accelerated by the chemotherapy for the cancer I just discovered...WAAAAHHHHHHTTT??????? Seriously. Enough already. Mind you, I am NOT asking "what else can go wrong" because that is one of the most stupid questions anyone can ask. (Fool me once, shame on you...)

I have said repeatedly that I have never been happier and that is because of where the diagnosis of cancer landed our family. We have re-prioritized our lives to reflect our love and dedication to each other as a family and maritally, we have never been closer or ever relied more on each other. Relying on someone other than myself is something I have never been very good at...simply because I hate to. I mean, really, I worked almost 35 years on being independent...never needing anyone for anything and now, I am forced to accept help from family, friends, and even strangers, sometimes. Talk about re-prioritizing. The very core of who I am, was, as a person, has been re-routed to someone I really have no clue on how to be. Maybe I am happier than ever because I am simply stupefied by my new roles. Maybe I am happier than ever because being independent was not all it was cracked up to be...because being independent also means being alone.

What happens when I go back to work and my family's routine is "back to normal"? Will our priorities shift again?
There are 168 hours in a full, 7-day week.
I work 40 hours.
My drive time bumps my work week hours to 55.
168 - 55 = 113 hours.
113-56 sleep time (8*7) = 57 hours in a week
57 hours does not sound like much time, does it?

I won't be home when the kids get home from school, which is now around 4pm since band season is over. I won't have dinner on the table every night at 6pm because I will just be walking in the door. Laundry won't be kept up because I won't keep a load going every day. There won't be plenty of milk because I can just run to the store and grab some every other day. There won't be dishes to be put away because I won't be here to wash them. There won't be doctor appointments scheduled willy-nilly because I am always free right now. The house being cleaned? Well, that will be better because Big Daddy hired someone to clean for us, but still...that was MY job. There won't be cuddle time on the couch as Big Daddy and I watch Ellen to see if THIS is the day she will say my name on her show...and there won't be "hot chocolate-milkshake time" for Beautiful Daughter and Precious Son because there will be things that need to be done and time for the miniature escapes will be limited to "after homework is done" or "after chores are finished"... In other words, back to the same old, same old and no time.

I don't want that.

So, as I face today's chemotherapy, I am obviously overwhelmed with how to preserve this lifestyle of treasuring each moment and not fall back into the trappings of the "work-work-work schedule" that has dominated our lives for so very long. I love sitting on Beautiful Daughter's bed in the mornings as she gets ready for school...just talking...just singing along with songs playing on the radio or tv countdown. I can do this because I am not getting ready for work... I love making breakfast for my family each morning and having them start the day with a full belly. I adore watching the sports highlights with Precious Son as he narrates what went on last night to an audience (me) who knows absolutely nothing about sports...but he tells me anyway because he truly believes I can be taught. Sweet, sweet, naive boy.

So, what do I do? How do I remain the wife and mother I have become through God's provision throughout this cancer battle? How do I not get sucked back into the lifestyle/workstyle I have become so accustomed to? Bigger question...how do I be the wife and mother my family deserves in only 57 hours? My mind races. I just don't want to miss "life"...the life with my husband, the life with our kids, the life with our family and friends.

I don't want to miss the perfect shot on my camera because I didn't have time to stop to take the picture. I don't want to not go somewhere on the Harley with my husband because I have this appointment or this task to accomplish. I don't want to reschedule time with one of my kids because there was a deadline. I don't want to miss out on a friend's birthday party, bridal shower, or baby shower because I didn't have the time to go. I don't want to miss out on life because I was too busy NOT living it. Each of these examples have happened to me...have they happened to you?

I guess I am just nervous about this chemo treatment, like always...but I guess I am also more cognizant of what all I have gained from having them as a result of having cancer. I gained time. I remember the first appointment with Dr. Horn, my oncologist, when he was explaining to us about how long chemo takes. I about flipped. He was telling us that chemo treatments take around four-five hours each time, with the first one being around 6-8 hours. (and it was 8 hours) I was like, "You have GOT to be kidding me!!! That's forever!!! There is no way I can stay in one place for that long and not even go home with a baby!!!" However, he was right and there I have been for hours and hours at a time...watching Big Daddy and Babs sit in the most uncomfortable chairs while I am infused with poison to save my life. Ironic on so many levels, yes?

I am not sure why I have cancer but I am beginning to think that God is wanting me to learn some things about how time can be your best friend or your worst enemy...about how a marriage can be all the fairytale things you dreamed it would be...about how much simplistic joy can be derived from singing a song with your teenage daughter as you roll down the street with the windows down and acting silly...about how having the time to listen about a bad grade or a missed assignment can make the world of difference to a straight-A student who got caught up in a girlfriend issue...about how life is not about fitting your family in but rather, fitting the other stuff in around your family.

I worry about going back to work because I love work...I love being there and I love my friends there. I love contributing to a bigger cause and I love contributing significantly to our financial plans and goals as a family. I will still be battling cancer while at work but my main concern is the battle for time with my family and making my life count with them. I don't want to die on Monday and be forgotten on Thursday. I want to live and make a difference to a LOT of people. I want to be better. I want to try harder. I want to be someone who matters. All this says to me is that I better get busy harnessing the gift of time and using it wisely. Of prioritizing and doing the things I believe matter past my death. I want to volunteer with the homeless veterans, I want to work with special needs children, I want to feed the hungry, I want to have my work published so that someone, somewhere was changed for the better because they read it...I want to be an awesome wife, a fantastic mother, a wonderful friend, a strong and loving Christian.

I have so much to do and I pray I am right in that God is showing me and will continue to show me how to do it all and do it all well. I have not mastered "time"...but I have decided that time will no longer master me.