Christmas Day 2009

While I could go on and on about who received what and so on, I won't do that. As all adults know, the magic of Christmas wanes as we grow older and my recollection of such things will not find you steeped in such magic. Well, that is unless I tell you about Big Daddy and the Christmas he arranged for me. There, you will find magic indeed!

The kids came on downstairs as Tom Turkey roasted in the oven. We had enjoyed such a lovely time last night and all had slept well. Having Big Daddy off on Christmas Eve was an extra gift we enjoyed very, very much. The kids opened their gifts and were very happy with their haul. Considering they received everything they had asked for, it was a good morning for both of them. It isn't that we spoil them and give them everything they ask for, but this Christmas, we did. It all contributed to the plans I had for making this the best Christmas ever.

Big Daddy and I had set a dollar amount limit for each other so as not to go "hog wild" on gifts. Let me just state for the record, Your Honor, that I did stay within my range, as instructed. Big Daddy, however, did not. I knew this would probably be a problem for him because every year we have a limit, and every year we shake on it, and every year he does what he wants to anyway. God love his big, stubborn heart.

After the children had opened all their gifts, Big Daddy presented me with a letter. Within this letter, he professed his love for me as well as his faith in my talent as a photographer. He went on to say how the kids and he were more than ready to support me in opening my own business and going for that "million dollar shot" I am always talking about. (You see, with a million dollar shot, I could buy Big Daddy a whole lot of land and build the log cabin we have designed and fill it chockful of everything his heart desires...all with just...one...shot and that is my dream, to make his dreams come true...)

I listened as Big Daddy read the letter aloud and my eyes filled with tears. Surely to goodness he had not bought me yet another camera... Throughout the years, Big Daddy has "upgraded" my cameras to better suit my needs and capabilities. I think I started with a Canon Snappy and moved my way up to the Canon PowerShot SD900 (with accessories) as of 2007. For those of you who don't know which is which, think of it this way... Canon Snappy = $60.00 Canon PowerShot = $900. Big difference, huh? Of course, we have also been married almost 20 years, so it isn't like this was over a two week period. Time, effort, and research went into every purchase Big Daddy has ever made for any of us. That's how he is with his money...careful.

Considering I seriously doubt I have even realized all that the PowerShot can do much less mastered it, it was amazing to me that he would go out and buy another camera for me. And yet, he did...only this time...WOW. Sure, sure, the PowerShot was a "WOW", too, but this camera is a "WOW" that includes your heart sinking to your knees, butterflies in your tummy, and beads of sweat emerging from your forehead. When you see professional photographers, they are holding this camera...MY camera. The Canon EOS 7D.

Big Daddy had just given me the camera that professionals use, as if to say I have the potential to become one. What faith this man has in me!! He went on to recall certain photos I have taken over the years and how people love my "unique eye" for pictures. You would think he was giving a nomination speech to some political party. He just went on and on about how nothing can stand in my way if I don't allow it to. At one point I thought we were going to huddle up, throw our hands in the middle and then yell "BREAK!" as we slapped each other on the butt, but we didn't. I will tell you, though, if you need motivating, Big Daddy is your man. He can make you believe you can do anything!

Before I could utter a word about our "spending limit", Big Daddy went on to explain how this was not a Christmas gift, per se, but rather a "life gift". He said that watching me go through the hard chemo and all the surgeries was a terrible thing but more than anything he was so proud of how I handled them, handled everything. He said that he and everyone else could tell that even though I felt like I was dying, I made it through with a "hurried determination to smile" so that everyone would know I was okay. Big Daddy also confided in me that he was surprised I managed as well as I did. You see, I am a big baby who loathes hospitals, needles, being sick, and needing help...and there I was in the deepest part of that ocean, daily. Honestly, I am surprised I did as well as I did, too. I know me. I am weak.

Big Daddy told me that even though it had been an incredibly rough few months, we had grown closer as a family and that he loved where we are as well as where we are going. He said that I had followed him around the world to support him in his endeavors and dreams and it was his turn to support me in mine. I'm telling you, this man was as sincere as the day is long and he meant every word. He does believe in me. He does support my dreams. He is willing to do whatever it takes to hand me the world. You see, he loves me despite my faults and flaws and believes there is something within me that even I lose sight of...but he never does, never has. He has faith in me to conquer the world. I have faith in him to lasso the moon. We believe in each other and we would move mountains to see the dreams of the other come to fruition. That's our love. That's our devotion. That's our marriage.

We were kids when we spoke our wedding vows. I am sure very few people thought we would make it and yet, here we are...more in love than the day we were married, more committed to one another than either of us ever dreamed possible, and simply incomplete without the other nearby. There was a time when I would have wanted to face any and all demons alone, independently...but that time has passed. It isn't that I am no longer fiercely independent, instead it is more that I am fiercely in love and realize that I don't have to do everything by myself...that it's okay to have someone stand beside you and help you, guide you, love you.

At the end of Christmas Day 2009, I wondered what my gift truly was...the new camera or the realization that God had blessed me with the one man who could and would always be willing to hold me up when I wanted to quit because he knew it was worth the fight, whatever the fight may be. God knew I would have challenges in my life, some under the label of "life" and some qualified as "self-induced"...and He knew Big Daddy would not only hold my hand through them, but would walk beside me and reassure me of his love for me thus making me fearless to conquer whatever demon pressed inward.

Cancer will not be the end of me. I have two children, a plethora of family and friends, and a man who loves me more than you can imagine, and they are all convinced I will beat this thing. How can I not?