Muhga Muhga Muhga Muhga Muhga...

Next on the horizon, as in this coming Friday, I have to undergo a "Mugascan". Let me help you pronounce that... "MUHG-uh scan". You're welcome. Anyway, a Mugascan is a test they run to check your heart for damage after hard chemo. Yet another radioactive dye is injected intravenously to light me up like a Christmas tree. The function of the heart along with the heart itself, are scanned for damage or weakness. I really hope I pass this test.

Also on Friday, I will be receiving Herceptin, the breast cancer specific chemo that my insurance company has denied. You remember...the one costing in excess of $6,000 per infusion? Yeah. That one. Oh, what the hay, let's do one more! Actually, Dr. Horn has already written the letter of medical necessity and sent it off to the insurance company, so hopefully some good news will be forthcoming about all of that. If it turns out to be bad news, then we will just deal with that when it's time.

Another update is the functionality in my left leg. It is improving since the back surgery and I have not even begun physical therapy yet. YAY!!! Where I had to concentrate on clearing steps, now I am able to maneuver them a lot better without thinking so hard. My range of motion has increased as well, for raising my left foot. The doctor who fitted me for my ankle/foot brace said things looked pretty good for regaining my full mobility and function. YAY me!!!

Not sure if you recall, but I was all about frozen Cokes for a very long time. They helped my stomach and soothed my throat while on the hard chemo. Since finishing my last chemo from hell, I have not craved a frozen Coke or even really thought about one. While I was concerned about the Coke making my face break out, it did not. In fact, my skin has never looked better. What?!?!? I know, right??? So cool. You know when you hit around 40 and you are trapped between Clearasil and Retin-A? Well, that's where I was, but not now. Now, my skin is blemish-free and clear as a bell. Ding!!! Love that!!

Other updates now that we are Taxotere-free... My eyelashes and eyebrows never fell out. :o)
So glad about that... My nails remained long and pretty strong thanks to the tea tree oil (even though I had to apply it outside because it stinks!). I did have to apply lotion after every shower in order to maintain the moisture level in my skin, but that was no big deal because I always do that. I never really saw any significant changes in my skin...

After each hard chemo, I would experience a ringing in my ears or a "din" that was hard to take sometimes. I would think I needed to speak louder, which, of course, was not the case. I am sure this was irritating to my family who thought I was yelling, when I wasn't. Also, I was very sensitive to smells after each treatment. I could smell things others could not even see. It was weird. For example, Ms. B had brought over some chili after a hard chemo session. Just as that chili entered the front door, I smelled beer. Now, I was in my room, upstairs, and the chili was being brought in the front door on our second level. (We live in a tri-level) No one else smelled the beer, but it was as if there was an open keg next to my pillow in my room. I asked everyone if they smelled it and nobody did. It was not until a week or so later when I was able to get up that I asked Ms. B if she put beer in her chili and she said "yes, one whole bottle!" I knew it!! I smelled it a mile away. Everyone thought I was crazy until Ms. B confirmed. When you cook with alcohol, you don't normally taste it and you certainly don't smell it, but I did. Oh, and by the way, the chili was delicious!!! :o)

My sleep has steadily improved since overcoming the last hurdle of hard chemo. What a relief. I absolutely HATE not being able to sleep when it is sleep time. I also hate having to rely on medicines to put me to sleep. Drug-induced sleep is not the same. You have weird dreams and you wake up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep. Those drugs make you groggy and goofy the next day. I am thankful for good sleep as I am now about two weeks past the last hard chemo. Each day I try to increase my endurance and stamina so I can go back to work and I think that is helping my sleep at night. I am actually tired and sometimes even exhausted by the time I go to bed. It is a wonderful thing to sleep unassisted by meds because you have had a good and upright day, even exerting a bit of energy here and there.

As I approach the "soft chemo" this Friday, I am a bit anxious to see if there really won't be any side effects like with the Taxotere. I am fearful that I will be the "one in 140 bazillion" who experience nausea, vomiting, and thoughts of driving off a bridge. Hopefully, I will fall into the "average" category for the first time since all this went down and experience nothing or at least, very little in regard to side effects. Hope. Hope. Hope. I will still go once every three weeks for the Herceptin through October 2010, but maybe, just maybe, it won't make me feel like death warmed over.

In the event that you ever encounter someone going through chemotherapy, please know that they are not trying to drive you insane by asking the same question over and over. This thing they call "chemo brain" or "chemo fog" is very, very real. It is incredibly difficult to connect the dots, so to speak. The simplest of tasks are overwhelming. Questions which have been answered repeatedly are asked again. There is no short-term memory and sometimes there is difficulty recalling events from long ago, as well. These side effects of chemo are some of the most aggravating because they make you feel stupid and they are long lasting. After the Taxotere works its way out of your system and you can stand upright, you start to feel better. However, with the mental deficiencies, you never get better. The upswing never comes for those side effects...you simply come off as someone with dementia...or that you don't care enough to remember...or you are not paying attention to directions or not listening. None of these are the case...ok, sometimes, maybe I am not listening, but all in all, the "chemo brain" is very real and very upsetting.

Being a college professor, I grade papers. I have found that I can grade one, maybe two papers at any given time, but no more than that. I have to read essays and reviews from my students. This takes a great deal of concentration which I simply do not have. Heaven forbid something shiny catch my eye! I have gone from extremely focused to ADD. This is requiring some serious getting used to! My point, though, is that when dealing with someone going through chemo, be patient. It is not that we are trying to aggravate you, we simply cannot remember anything nor can we decipher the most simple of requests/tasks/directions. Give us time. As for how much time? I will have to let you know. Lucy told me that her oncologist said she would be back to normal in about five years. Man. That's a long time to forget how to get home from the grocery store.

Things are losing their metallic taste now. I am not sure if that is a side effect that will go away with only Herceptin, but it would be nice. You know things suck when chocolate tastes bad.

I am hoping to be able to go for walks soon. I love walking my dogs. I love walking, period. I used to walk all the time, almost every day...and it was wonderful. I remember walking around and around and around this mile-long circle every day during the nice weather months. I have two Yorkies...my "boys". My 12-pound Yorkie would get tired and just stop. We would be walking and he would just lie down as if he were saying "I'm done", so I would have to carry him. My little 7-pound Yorkie is a fireball and full of energy. He will walk until his legs fall off. People have actually stopped in their vehicles while I have been carrying my big Yorkie to ask if the dog was hurt and if I needed a ride. A wonderful gesture on their behalf...and I would have to say "no, thank you...he's just lazy". LOL It is kind of funny. Anyway, I hope to begin walking again soon. It will take some time to build up energy and endurance, but the boys and I are ready!

I received a reminder postcard in the mail this weekend saying I needed to make a follow-up appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Harris. Hard to believe I have graduated past weekly visits to him to once every 8 weeks. Maybe I am doing better after all. I will call Monday and set up that appointment.

Big Daddy is worried about me going back to work. I am slated for January 4th. I don't even know what day of the week that is. It is hard to imagine being able to function mentally at my job at this point, much less, stay awake and on task. (I have a 40-hour a week job plus I teach college classes at night...I kept one class through this past semester, in case I am confusing you about my work) My 40-hour a week job requires tremendous mental concentration and application. At this point, I am afraid I will have to be re-trained. I work as a government contractor and rules change quite often. I am quite nervous about looking foolish or stupid upon my return. That is one thing I hate...looking stupid. My co-workers are awesome, though, and hopefully they will extend to me the same graciousness they have since I have been gone as I relearn. While I am sure they will, I still dread looking stupid or like I can't be taught. Maybe this "chemo fog" will left before January 4th. Hope. Hope. Hope...again.

So, that is where I am for now. It's a good place where I can get out of the house here and there, enjoy chocolate again, and not have to yell over the din that only I can hear. It's a good place to be when not puking, wanting to puke, and cleaning up puke. Can I get an Amen??? The diagnosis came the end of June. It is now the first of December. My life has changed drastically. The lives of my family and friends have changed significantly. I am a better person for having cancer and I am so thankful. A lot of people go through life assuming they will have time to do all that they want to and dream of... Sometimes it does work out that way, however, sometimes it does not. I am so thankful that God opened my eyes to see His goodness right here in front of me through the blessing of cancer. Not that I think for one second that God gave me cancer...I don't believe that at all!! I believe we live in a fallen world where bad things happen...and God is there to help us and guide us through them and to Him, if we follow. I hope whatever "cancer" you may be dealing with is lifted up to God and that you allow Him to bless you through it as He has done me.

One last thing...if you say "muhga" over and over, it's kind of fun. :o)