She's Back...

It is difficult for me to put into words how I felt about Beautiful Daughter's self-imposed removal from me after Big Daddy told her and her brother that I have cancer. She immediately withdrew into herself and I often wondered if she would ever return.

The day we told them, Beautiful Daughter sequestered herself in her bedroom. She has all the amenities in there, tv, Wii, dvd player, radio...so it wasn't as if she were in there just staring at the walls, right? As it turns out, she was just staring at anything. She was not interested in watching tv or playing Wii or anything else. She was holed up in there begging God to take the cancer away from her mom. Obviously, I just found this out despite it having gone on the past several months. I had no idea she in was in there pleading with God because all she ever said she was doing when asked was "nothing" or "watching a movie".

Beautiful Daughter has been removed from us, her family, since June. She wanted to be alone. She didn't feel well. She was doing homework. She was constantly in her room. Having her come down for dinner was about the only time we saw her, and then again, to say "goodnight". We gave her space and after a while, had to assume she was okay. She went to school every day. She brought home the same grades she has always achieved. She was busy as a bee with colorguard and would come home exhausted. I had no earthly idea within the privacy of her bedroom, she was terrified I was going to die.

She told me she was afraid to come home from school because she thought Daddy would be gone and she would find me dead. She also told me that my "joking" about things such as hair loss and being injected with radioactive substances like Spiderman, were not amusing to her. Beautiful Daughter took offense anytime jokes were made about my cancer and she took each one personally. If you know me at all, you know humor sustains me and I seek it out. Precious Son is the same way, so we had some awesomely funny jokes going on, but a non-receptive audience.

The walls of protection had gone up for her. Humor, positivity, reassurance, fact sheets....nothing helped Beautiful Daughter believe I was going to not only survive this, but live a long, healthy life after. Nothing. She had me dead and buried...that's our family history...moms die.

Within the whirlwind of marching band and colorguard, Beautiful Daughter hid her constant fears and desperate need for reassurance. She is a master thespian, apparently. With her being in her freshman year of high school, we knew there would be some moodiness and emotional angst, so we gave her quite a bit of leeway and allowed her what she asked for, "space" and "time to be alone".

When Thanksgiving rolled around and we listed the things we were most thankful for, she began with "this may sound weird or not like a thanksgiving thing, but I am thankful for it. When we first found out about Mommy being sick, I thought she was going to die right away. I know now that she isn't because she is still here and fighting so hard. I am thankful Mommy is here." She went to tell us how she would stay in her room and pray to God to save her Mommy. She said she would just stay in there and cry. She never told us because she did not want me to be upset or sad. So, she took it upon herself to handle this situation all alone, as stoically as possible, which sometimes translated into "indifference".

When you compile the list of "new behaviors" Beautiful Daughter was demonstrating, individually, they seemed typical teenage attitude. Of course there is nothing like 20-20 hindsight.

She stopped hugging me because she could "feel my port".

She stopped sleeping with me in the big bed because she had "fallen asleep" in her own. (Big Daddy works at night and Beautiful Daughter and I like to talk until we fall asleep.)

She stopped needing my help with homework because she "finished it in class".

She stopped wanting me to cook her favorites because she "wanted to learn to make them herself".

She stopped wanting to watch YouTube videos with me because she "hadn't seen any good ones".

She stopped watching "Dancing with the Stars" with me because it was "so predictable".

So you see, none of these things would warrant a red flag individually, not even if compounded, because we are dealing with a 14 year old girl who has promised, time and again, that she is "fine" and would even throw in "I just want to be alone, please"... Nothing seemed out of the ordinary with her if consider the grueling schedule for colorguard, school, and her church obligations.

I knew Beautiful Daughter was struggling, but she was so very convincing that she was "fine". When asked if she wanted to talk about anything, the answer was always "no". She would wax and wane about how tired she was or how this person made her angry, but she never mentioned me, never said the word "cancer" and never once alluded to being scared. You see, Beautiful Daughter is her daddy made over. They don't talk about their fears because they refuse to give those fears a voice.

So, as I sat and listened to my baby girl say that she was thankful for me and that she no longer worries about coming home and finding me dead, I realized just how much she has kept to herself the past few months. What I did not realize that Thanksgiving night, was how things would change so significantly after her admission.

The hugs started back. Granted, they are on the left side, but hey, I'll take that. Yesterday alone she must have hugged me 15 times. This may not seem like a lot to you, but it was an enormous amount to someone who had not received 15 hugs in the past few months, much less in one day.

Beautiful Daughter, beginning Thanksgiving night, piled into my big bed as soon as Big Daddy left for work. She wanted to watch a movie with me, so we did.

Homework now requires my help, or in the case of math, requires me to just sit with her. (If she wants to pass math, she needs to ask her brother or dad for help...sitting and smiling while she does math? Yeah, I can do that :o)

She asked me to make her favorite on Friday after Thanksgiving. Doesn't sound like a big deal to make your child macaroni and cheese...until you haven't been asked to do it for months, and then you are.

We have watched online videos of stupid people and laughed until we have cried. In fact, we even videotaped Beautiful Daughter doing some pretty funny stuff as she was trying to mimic some new dance moves. We laughed until I hyperventilated...and then we watched it again.

"Dancing with the Stars" went off and Donnie Osmond won. What?!?!?!? Ok. Maybe that was not as predictable as she had thought, so now we are watching "Find My Family". (Although I am positive there will not be anything less than a happy ending, and that works for me, predictable or not.)

The best part of the past few days is that my baby is back. My Beautiful Daughter is back...and thus, I have been unable to post anything. You see, I was spending time with Beautiful Daughter because she is finally back...with me...and I missed her with all my heart.

Beautiful Daughter, I love you so...