The Victorian Blouse

So, Friday is my first dose of Herceptin by itself... I called the chemo nurses yesterday to make sure I had heard Dr. Horn correctly in that I should not become sick. Yay!!! I heard right!! I should not get sick!! So, the kids and I are heading to Virginia to see Auntie Robin, Kathren, and everyone. We are leaving Friday after my chemo. Babs may be coming with us, but I don't know for sure yet. She is having to work 13 days in a row and Friday will be Day 13. Babs may be too exhausted to come with us!

I went through the rest of my clothes and have two more large trashbags for Auntie Robin to try on. As you may or may not recall, I lost forty pounds BEFORE chemo, as in the HARD way... Anyway, I will not gain that weight back because I absolutely refuse to, so I am giving all my clothes away. I have bought a few things here and there to build up my wardrobe in my new size, but I have to say, Auntie Robin is getting a whole new one! I am glad for her...she never buys anything for herself and some of the clothes I am giving her still have the tags on them. Not sure how that happened, but it did.

There is one top that I came across the last time I went through my clothes. It does not fit but I did not want to give it away. This top is cream colored with long, billowy sleeves. It gathers right below the breast area, if you happen to have breasts. It is reminiscent of an old-fashioned, Victorian type blouse. It is just the prettiest thing. I just didn't want to give it away...not just for how it looks, but also for the memories associated with it. When I wore that top, I was complimented and felt so pretty. One person at my old church even said I "looked like a million bucks". Wow. What a nice compliment!! Anyway, as I stood there in my closet holding the blouse, trying to decide if it should stay or go, I just found myself wrestling with letting it leave my grasp.

Eventually I placed the beautiful, billowy blouse in the bag with the other clothes and said "goodbbye" to it, to the compliments, to the way I felt when I wore it, and to the memories associated with it. The memories are most likely more wonderful in my head than they actually were, anyway...but it is nice to hear that you look nice or even beautiful.

What if I never look beautiful again?

What if people are just saying nice things to me because they feel sorry for me?

What if I go back to work and my old life and never feel attractive again?

You see, here in my new, albeit temporary, world, people are very nice to me. I am complimented all the time about how pretty I look, how wonderfully well I am doing, and such. What if, as I leave my safe haven and re-enter the real world, people are not as interested in making me feel good about my new life with cancer or my new body without breasts? What if people, real people, just don't care about how I feel?

The real world is not where I have been the past few months. I have been sheltered and protected. I have been nursed and cared for. I have been babysat and coddled. People have been so in tune with me that before the first tear fell, I was handed a tissue and felt an arm around my shoulders...

Of course, the trips to WalMart have helped me tremendously in realizing that not everyone cares about me. Heck, at WalMart, NO ONE cares about me.

I'm not sure how a simple blouse cold lead me down such a scary path, but it did and here I am. I go back to work, back to the real world, in a couple of weeks. Meetings with people who don't know I have cancer...trips and tours with people who don't know I am a year away from breast reconstruction...New people getting hired, they won't know. Here, in my home, everyone knows, everyone cares and everyone is kind, loving, and doting. Out in the real world, people have their own demons to deal with, their own "cancers".

I guess I am just becoming a bit apprehensive about rejoining the real world... Maybe if I had a beautiful blouse to wear in which I felt pretty...