Camouflage is Sabotage

camouflage is sabotage...
i am the red herring...
camouflage is sabotage...
or maybe it is you...

camouflage is sabotage...
i cannot breathe behind a mask...
camouflage is sabotage...
the guise required has been burned to ashes...

if only i could believe you...
the visage would reveal the truth...
of which i know only one thing...
camouflage is sabotage...
and i must go...

Photo Shoot #2

Oh.
My.
Gosh!!!

I had the best time. I took Beautiful Daughter and one of her beautiful best friends, and dressed them up in "cowgirl chic" and we headed off to take some pictures. The sun was out, the sky was blue with traces of clouds here and there. It was cold but who cared? I was a "photographer" and the girls were "models"!! We were all happy!!

We went to some different places and took some great shots. I need to practice because I have already been "commissioned" to take pictures of a friend of Beautiful Daughter in her dance gear. WHAT?!?!?!? I know, right?!?!?!?!? Anyway, I was absolutely in my element and if you ask me, two 14 year old girls being asked to pose for pictures, well, let's just say they were in their element, too. LOL

I used all my new lenses and filters and by the end of a long, cold day, I had taken some amazing shots of these two girls. If I didn't know better, I would say they were professionally done and qualified easily as "portraits". When I think about how cold we were and the fantastic shots we achieved anyway, I simply look forward to more photo shoots as the seasons change and the cold air warms. In fact, flowers in bloom may make me cry...

It was definitely a "photo shoot" as opposed to a "photo hoot" even though we all had a blast. We laughed, we goofed around, and we thawed out in the Suburban as we paged through each session. Wow. If Big Daddy had any idea of the joy he brought to me with this gift, he would be amazed at how happy one person can be.

I know I have said it before but it bears repeating... Big Daddy, thank you for believing in me and providing me with a gift that allows me to do what I have always wanted to do. There is something about a photographer smiling as they take pictures...and that's me.

Packing in Life

Beginning on December 26th, our house has been chockful of teenagers. Both kids have had their friends stay over night and play their new games and watch whatever sport the UK Wildcats are playing. (I get confused when both basketball and football overlap...LOL) The food disappeared as quickly as I could make it, and my heart sang. I love a houseful of kids.

We ended up doing some things that needed to be done such as taking down the Christmas tree, organizing ornaments, and delivering clothes to the church for distribution to the needy. I don't like to take our donations to Good Will because the people that work there get "first dibs" on what is dropped off. I believe everything should go on the racks and the people Good Will are serving should have first dibs. But that's just me. Anyway, that is why I go to this huge church up the road and drop off our donations. They have a disbursement center and it is well organized, serving the needs of those in need first.

We have gone grocery shopping, chauffeured kids to the movies, the ice rink, and the mall. We have stretched every last dollar until all elasticity is gone. I have tried desperately to fit in as much "living" as I possibly can this week after Christmas as my return to the workforce begins Monday. Yes, Monday...as in January 4th. In other words, on Monday, January 4th, I will be reinstated to my job that I no longer even remember how to do. Good news though...one of my friends at work told me that everything has changed since I left and nobody knows what they are doing, so I won't stick out. LOL Ah, my dear, sweet, always changing government job. Thank you! LOLOLOL

My boss at the college also asked me to pick up another class for the spring semester, making my load three evening classes. I said I would gladly take it on...now, at this point, if you have really been reading, a red flag emerged in your head. If Pandora is so concerned about reverting back into her old ways of work-work-work, then why is she agreeing to teach a THIRD class as soon as she returns to work???

Good question. However, I am doing this because as far as vocation, teaching is my passion. I have the opportunity to teach a third class which means expansion of my Curriculum Vitae (CV) which may open doors for me down the road...

RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!

I know it sounds like I haven't learned a thing, and that is not the case. Don't panic. I just need to do this for one semester and see what happens. If I could go into more detail, I would, but I can't right now. Rest assured, however, that I have learned life-changing lessons and I know that it is family first, not goals or achievements, or status. Trust me.

No, really...trust me. *smile*

First Photo Shoot

I could not get up fast enough on December 26th! Big Daddy and I had planned to go pick out my new camera bag at Murphy's Camera Shop and then go take some pictures. I was incredibly excited!! We went to Murphy's, picked out an awesomely handy bag, and we were off!

We headed down one of the roads around here that is primarily horse farms. It did not take long for us to pull over and get the camera out. The first place we stopped had some horses off in the distance, but with my FANTASTIC ZOOM, they were as close as I wanted them to be. Big Daddy, being the born and bred cowboy that he is, whistled at them, they spooked, and I took the most amazing shots of horses running that I have taken thus far. It was so wonderful! I know everyone thinks I cannot see beyond the beauty of my dogs, but I must confess, there is something breathtaking and majestic about horses running. Their manes blowing in the wind, their powerful strides, the way their muscles move beneath their coats... God must love horses, too.

We shot pictures for a few hours and Big Daddy never once complained about no more than getting back in the vehicle, buckling up, and then having to pull over ten feet up from where we went. LOL The thing is, even ten feet can change a shot, so we would literally go about that far and stop again. Big Daddy was so awesome.

If I were to say that I had a "great" time, that would be a gross understatement. If I were to say I had "blast", that, too, would not convey the extent of happiness in my heart while taking the most amazing photos with my new PROFESSIONAL camera. I guess if I had to choose a word for how I felt on Photo Shoot #1, it would be "bliss". *smile*

We came on home as Big Daddy had to work that evening and we downloaded my new photos. I was brought to tears to see what I had captured. Never before had I felt such pride in my photographic work. It was a glorious feeling. I had taken well over 300 pictures and now had to weed out the yucky ones. Using my "8-frames-per-second" feature meant I had several shots almost identical, which is where your critical eye comes in...weeding out the ones with even a minute difference, saving the best one. Sound tedious? It was wonderful. I went to bed around midnight and had sweet, photographic dreams.

If there was some way I could convey to you and to Big Daddy how much I love my new camera and all the accessories that Big Daddy picked out, I would...but all I have are words, and the only words I can think of are "thank you for believing in me"... One day, and hopefully one day soon, I will post a link to my online studio and you can see what a girl with a camera and someone who believes in her, can do...

Christmas Day 2009

While I could go on and on about who received what and so on, I won't do that. As all adults know, the magic of Christmas wanes as we grow older and my recollection of such things will not find you steeped in such magic. Well, that is unless I tell you about Big Daddy and the Christmas he arranged for me. There, you will find magic indeed!

The kids came on downstairs as Tom Turkey roasted in the oven. We had enjoyed such a lovely time last night and all had slept well. Having Big Daddy off on Christmas Eve was an extra gift we enjoyed very, very much. The kids opened their gifts and were very happy with their haul. Considering they received everything they had asked for, it was a good morning for both of them. It isn't that we spoil them and give them everything they ask for, but this Christmas, we did. It all contributed to the plans I had for making this the best Christmas ever.

Big Daddy and I had set a dollar amount limit for each other so as not to go "hog wild" on gifts. Let me just state for the record, Your Honor, that I did stay within my range, as instructed. Big Daddy, however, did not. I knew this would probably be a problem for him because every year we have a limit, and every year we shake on it, and every year he does what he wants to anyway. God love his big, stubborn heart.

After the children had opened all their gifts, Big Daddy presented me with a letter. Within this letter, he professed his love for me as well as his faith in my talent as a photographer. He went on to say how the kids and he were more than ready to support me in opening my own business and going for that "million dollar shot" I am always talking about. (You see, with a million dollar shot, I could buy Big Daddy a whole lot of land and build the log cabin we have designed and fill it chockful of everything his heart desires...all with just...one...shot and that is my dream, to make his dreams come true...)

I listened as Big Daddy read the letter aloud and my eyes filled with tears. Surely to goodness he had not bought me yet another camera... Throughout the years, Big Daddy has "upgraded" my cameras to better suit my needs and capabilities. I think I started with a Canon Snappy and moved my way up to the Canon PowerShot SD900 (with accessories) as of 2007. For those of you who don't know which is which, think of it this way... Canon Snappy = $60.00 Canon PowerShot = $900. Big difference, huh? Of course, we have also been married almost 20 years, so it isn't like this was over a two week period. Time, effort, and research went into every purchase Big Daddy has ever made for any of us. That's how he is with his money...careful.

Considering I seriously doubt I have even realized all that the PowerShot can do much less mastered it, it was amazing to me that he would go out and buy another camera for me. And yet, he did...only this time...WOW. Sure, sure, the PowerShot was a "WOW", too, but this camera is a "WOW" that includes your heart sinking to your knees, butterflies in your tummy, and beads of sweat emerging from your forehead. When you see professional photographers, they are holding this camera...MY camera. The Canon EOS 7D.

Big Daddy had just given me the camera that professionals use, as if to say I have the potential to become one. What faith this man has in me!! He went on to recall certain photos I have taken over the years and how people love my "unique eye" for pictures. You would think he was giving a nomination speech to some political party. He just went on and on about how nothing can stand in my way if I don't allow it to. At one point I thought we were going to huddle up, throw our hands in the middle and then yell "BREAK!" as we slapped each other on the butt, but we didn't. I will tell you, though, if you need motivating, Big Daddy is your man. He can make you believe you can do anything!

Before I could utter a word about our "spending limit", Big Daddy went on to explain how this was not a Christmas gift, per se, but rather a "life gift". He said that watching me go through the hard chemo and all the surgeries was a terrible thing but more than anything he was so proud of how I handled them, handled everything. He said that he and everyone else could tell that even though I felt like I was dying, I made it through with a "hurried determination to smile" so that everyone would know I was okay. Big Daddy also confided in me that he was surprised I managed as well as I did. You see, I am a big baby who loathes hospitals, needles, being sick, and needing help...and there I was in the deepest part of that ocean, daily. Honestly, I am surprised I did as well as I did, too. I know me. I am weak.

Big Daddy told me that even though it had been an incredibly rough few months, we had grown closer as a family and that he loved where we are as well as where we are going. He said that I had followed him around the world to support him in his endeavors and dreams and it was his turn to support me in mine. I'm telling you, this man was as sincere as the day is long and he meant every word. He does believe in me. He does support my dreams. He is willing to do whatever it takes to hand me the world. You see, he loves me despite my faults and flaws and believes there is something within me that even I lose sight of...but he never does, never has. He has faith in me to conquer the world. I have faith in him to lasso the moon. We believe in each other and we would move mountains to see the dreams of the other come to fruition. That's our love. That's our devotion. That's our marriage.

We were kids when we spoke our wedding vows. I am sure very few people thought we would make it and yet, here we are...more in love than the day we were married, more committed to one another than either of us ever dreamed possible, and simply incomplete without the other nearby. There was a time when I would have wanted to face any and all demons alone, independently...but that time has passed. It isn't that I am no longer fiercely independent, instead it is more that I am fiercely in love and realize that I don't have to do everything by myself...that it's okay to have someone stand beside you and help you, guide you, love you.

At the end of Christmas Day 2009, I wondered what my gift truly was...the new camera or the realization that God had blessed me with the one man who could and would always be willing to hold me up when I wanted to quit because he knew it was worth the fight, whatever the fight may be. God knew I would have challenges in my life, some under the label of "life" and some qualified as "self-induced"...and He knew Big Daddy would not only hold my hand through them, but would walk beside me and reassure me of his love for me thus making me fearless to conquer whatever demon pressed inward.

Cancer will not be the end of me. I have two children, a plethora of family and friends, and a man who loves me more than you can imagine, and they are all convinced I will beat this thing. How can I not?

Christmas Eve 2009

The shopping was complete and all the packages were wrapped. We were going to Lucy's church with her and her family for the candlelight service. (Big Daddy and I are still looking for a church home...) The service was to begin at 5pm and we were all going to Lucy's afterward for an "open house with food" get together. I had offered to bring over some things for the feast because while Lucy is a fabulous cook, she will tell you, baking is not her forte.


Well, baking is my forte, so I made some cookies and other sweet treats, along with some festive, green punch. Beautiful Daughter and I took everything over to Lucy's around 4:30. We were all ready to go to church as Midge, Babs & Ken were meeting at our house to go to church with us. As we came into Lucy's house, both she and her hubby were not even remotely close to being ready!! It made me laugh. Both had to take a shower, shampoo, and shine and both were still putting out Christmas plates and finger foods.

Beautiful Daughter and I left, went back home, picked everyone up, and headed to church. It wasn't too awfully long after the service had begun that Lucy and Ricky came in. They both looked like they had stepped out of a magazine with every hair in place and decked all in red. They looked lovely and the service continued.

We sang Christmas songs and I realized right away that your voice is just like your ability to speak a foreign language...if you do not practice, you lose the ability. And so it was with the high notes. A soprano with range from first soprano to second alto, I hung around the alto parts. Not being in church for the past few months has greatly affected my range. Fortunately, God didn't care. He was just glad we were there, the entire family, with our friends, rejoicing in the birth of His Son.

Everyone at Lucy and Ricky's church was so nice. They introduced themselves and invited us to Sunday School class, church service, and all the youth activities. This is the same church that sent mountains of food to us so we could feed our visiting family as well as eat ourselves after everyone went home. Besides Lucy's family, we don't know anyone else who attends there, and yet, they extended their hand in hospitality and prayed for us daily... Total strangers... Total Christians.

After the service, we went to Lucy's and the food was amazing!! The fellowship was very nice as we were able to chitchat with some of the people we had just met at church. It was a wonderful, easy time of making new friends and enjoying one another's company. Babs and Ken had come with us but Midge had to go on home because her husband was home alone on Christmas Eve, now that their youngest has left the nest. We sampled some of the best food I have ever had and oh yeah...and the punch was fantastic! *smile*

We said our goodbyes and headed home. Our family has a tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve. This year, Precious Son was given a book entitled "Michael Jordan~The Best Player Ever". Of course, being 17, Precious Son believes Lebron is the "best player ever", so it was funny to see his expression as he read the title. Precious Son and I go round and round about who is better...but I think we all know I am right.

Beautiful Daughter opened one gift, as well, however, since she is growing, I had to take her to the mall in order to pick out and try on the Coach shoes she wanted...thus, her Christmas Eve gift. Maybe not so much of a surprise, but she was still very happy to have them. She wore them around the house while Precious Son read up on Michael Jordan. LOL

Time flew by and we were ready for bed around midnight. The days of waking up at 5am to open presents have long since passed. Morning came around 9am for the rest of the family as I had been up since 7, coaxing my young, Tom Turkey into the oven and making restaurant-style potatoes... The menu would be extensive, as my plans for the "best Christmas ever" were still on track.

Precious Son received everything he had asked for including a vehicle. Beautiful Daughter received everything she asked for including a Kate Spade bag which Big Daddy still finds incredible. He does not understand how a "black bookbag can cost $150 just because some lady's name is on it". hahaha Then he began wondering how much money he could make by putting his own name on some stuff and selling it. We all just laughed. I love him.

Christmas had arrived and we were together...in other words, I also received everything I wanted.

The Scrapbook

Ms. B and Jack showed up at the house on the 23rd. They were delivering the dvd's from the state band competition. I was so terribly excited to see them because they are some of my very favorite people. I was even more excited when I found out the dvd they were delivering was already paid for!! YAY!! Ms. B is terrific about keeping me on track with band things and apparently she had a check from me months ago! I have no recollection of this, but was happy!!


I invited Ms. B and her hubby to come in and visit for a bit, which they did. While we were talking, Lucy stopped by. I assumed it was to pick up the cheeseball I had made for their family because between her schedule and mine, the cheeseball had remained in my fridge. Anyway, she was tickled to see Ms. B and Jack and we all settled down to visit. By now, the whole family is in the living room, as well, and Big Daddy has brought in chairs for everyone. Then, what do you know? In comes Babs!

Now, at this point, one might assume something was "up", but not me. I was just so happy to have my friends with me, that a devious plan was not in my thinking. I was wrong. They DID have a plan and it was NOT coincidence that they all showed up at the same time. (Those with chemo brain are at the mercy of planners and plotters...LOL)

And there it was. The Scrapbook. The fancy kind of scrapbook with die cuts and word balloons...gorgeous accent papers and pictures from the past. And it was for me. The tears were being held at bay but I knew they would flow soon enough...as in Page 1.

Page 1. Tears flow. There is a dedication to me that mentions my "strength, courage, hope, and faith" and I feel completely overwhelmed. Not at the words chosen, but that my family and these dear, dear friends of mine believe these things to be true of me.

I know me. I am not any of those things, but the people who know me best are not only saying that I am, but have also created a memory album displaying such. To say I was humbled as I read and savored each word, is an incredible understatement.

Page 2. Pictures of me as I went back to work with my beautiful, perfectly-perfect hair (a.k.a. wig) and a picture Big Daddy had taken of me in Indianapolis this fall. The title of the page is "Life is a Journey", and so it is.

Page 3. Big Daddy's page. It has die cuts of a Harley, like ours, a big ole moose for hunting, I assume, LOL, and pictures of Big Daddy and I. These pictures clearly show something that is very difficult to capture on camera...love.

Page 4. Precious Son's page. Oh my. I explained to Precious Son a while ago how "Mary, Did You Know?" was my very favorite song of all time because as a mother, this song touches you deeply and wholly. You understand what God did for us when you hold your firstborn child...and you are changed. He said he understood, but he really won't until he holds his own son one day... However, my son, my handsome, intelligent, funny, adorable son, had written a letter to me and placed it in the scrapbook. He said he was "amazed" that I was at every band competition even though I had cancer and very difficult chemo treatments. He went on to say that when I scheduled my chemo around his band itinerary, he was blown away. Funny, that's how he makes me feel...he blows me away. There is one picture on Precious Son's page that is of he and I hugging after he had won the State Championship. The picture is simple with his eyes closed, his head tucked into my neck, and my back to the camera...and it melts my heart because at that very moment, I was celebrating, not only the win with my son, but the moment in his life, and we are both cherishing it. Precious Son, you are the reason my heart smiles for I love you so.

Page 5. Beautiful Daughter's page. She, too, wrote a letter and the tears, if they had dried up, fell again. Beautiful Daughter went on to tell me how she would pray to God every night to take my cancer away and give it to her. She explained how angry she was at the whole situation and how it was not fair that "everyone's favorite mom" had cancer. She tells of how she "giggles in her head" when her friends talk about how "awesome" I am because she knows they only get me for "brief amounts of time" while Beautiful Daughter "gets me forever". She goes on to say how I can make her laugh until her "cheeks hurt". She finished up by saying that she "could not ask for more in her life other than to have this cancer taken away from her mom". Oh, my sweet, precious, Beautiful Daughter...I love you with all my heart.

Page 6. The Page of Babs. Here we go. If I thought I would be able to get myself together and read clearly without crying after Big Daddy and the kids' pages, I was w-r-o-n-g! Babs wrote to me and told me how I was the one who was with her when her world collapsed seven years ago. She went on to say how I was there to hold her hand, wipe her tears and help her "find her next breath". Our two families have been through a tremendous amount of heartache and hurt, but the most defining statement about our two families is that we went through all things together. Babs and Ken are not just our "friends", they are the ones we have chosen as family. Life happens, sure enough...and as long as I know Babs is on her way, I can and will get through. She has the sweetest soul, the brightest smile, and the most giving spirit of anyone I know. I love you and your family beyond words...

Page 7. MIDGE!!!! Ok, she wasn't in my living room, but she was in the scrapbook!! As it turns out, my surprise coincided with Midge's family Christmas dinner with people coming from out of state, etc. However, she, too, had contributed to my scrapbook and there she was in all her glory, staring back at me through these amazing pages of love. Midge had written to me, as well, and I was so impressed that when I saw her letter, I cried. I believe I uttered something along the lines of "this is amazing because she hates to write and she hates to be mushy, but here it is!" *sniff, sniff* The tears kept on coming. Midge is very private with her emotions so as I read about "becoming a sister" as opposed to just a friend and how my faith helped her to "deepen her own". I could cry now, as I type this because it was so out of Midge's comfort zone to put these thoughts and feelings on paper...and then to sign off with "I love you". Midge is the culmination of good people, good things, and good sense...and she continues to choose me to hang out with. I AM BLESSED!!! Midge, I love you, too!!

Page 8. Lucy's page. The funniest thing about Lucy's page is that she hates having her picture taken and it shows. LOL For every picture placed in my scrapbook, Lucy is smiling that smile that people do who aren't really in the mood to smile. You know, teeth clinched, one eyebrow kind of raised as in "hurry up and take the stupid picture!!!", and head cocked to one side as if posing but not really... LOLOLOL That's her. She wrote to me, too, and even though our friendship arose from my having breast cancer, she has shown me what it is to live beyond the diagnosis. The pink hat, the pink pins, the pink shirts...none of that is for her anymore because that is not how she defines herself. Lucy's favorite color used to be pink...and then she was diagnosed with breast cancer and inundated with pink. And so it is with her life...she used to have breast cancer, but now she just has life. She is a survivor and has zero time for any recurrence, so we don't even go there. In Lucy's letter to me she said that I had "brought healing to her mind, heart, and soul". How ironic...she does the exact same thing for me. I love you, Lucy!!!

Page 9. Ms. B's page. Ms. B wrote me a letter and included one of my favorite quotes. It is from Barbara Bloom and it says: "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history, it becomes more beautiful." Ms. B went on to say that I have "become more beautiful each and every day of this journey" and how she is "honored" to have me as a friend. Ms. B, as I have mentioned, is one of those giving people that never tires or grows weary of doing what is good and right for others. She has continually lifted me up and provided a sense of hope that I would overcome the obstacles in my path, even when the obstacle was cancer. Ms. B and Jack, I love you and your entire family more than I could ever put to paper and your faith in me gives me the determination to continue this journey with grace, just as I have watched you both gracefully tackle your own obstacles.

Page 10. Elay's page. Never before have I had the pleasure of knowing someone as you, Elay. We have laughed together and cried together, each event drawing us closer and uniting our hearts as sisters. You and Uncle Bill have given me the "okay" to cry and the "okay" to live out loud. I adore our time with you both, but Elay, you simply must know, I treasure the time you and I have spent alone when we were able to share and build each other up. You are a remarkable woman with a strength to endure anything. I am so very thankful that God blessed this friendship and the way it has grown. Speaking of blessings, you are one of my biggest. I love you!!!

Page 11. Titan, Trooper, Hank, and Harley's page. YES!!! They included Mommie's Babies!!! Any scrapbook related to me would certainly be incomplete without a page for my pups. Anyone who knows me knows of the "unhealthy relationship" between me and my dogs. LOL I adore these creatures and literally thank God for them. It is an unconditional love that my dogs have for me... if I mess up, they don't care. If I am late to an event, they don't care. If I burn the brownies, they don't care. If I get pulled over for speeding, they don't care. (LOL) Regardless of what I do or don't do, these dogs love me. When I get home, I am an absolute celebrity for a good ten minutes with them. When it is bedtime, we all snuggle down and await the Sandman. So, to Titan, Trooper, Hank, and Harley...I RUFF U!!!

The expression of love with this Scrapbook goes far beyond anything I have ever seen outside of Big Daddy's love for me the past twenty years... It is full of friendship, kinship, love, and care and there really are no words that can ever convey how much it means to me. I have looked at this Scrapbook every day, several times a day, since it was given to me because at my fingertips is the love that has sustained me through some very dark periods throughout the past ten years along with memories of incredible joy and growth. I still find it impossible to associate myself with such terms as "amazing, courageous, inspiring", and yet, you, my family and friends, do.

The word to describe me while holding my beautiful, thoughtful Scrapbook?

Humbled.

I love each of you and thank you for the most wonderful gift. I will treasure it always and forever.

To Big Daddy

You are the one I promised to love
You greet my every morning with hope and purpose
The evils of night are held at bay by your bravery
The gentle side of you not many know
But I do...

You are my very first thought as I awaken
My last thought as I drift into a dream
And you meet me there
Strong hands to protect me
A mind that amazes me at it's ingenuity...

You stand tall and proud of our life together
Our children worship the ground on which you walk
As do I
Humility, strength, wisdom, unsurpassed love
I remain in awe of you...

You have sacrificed your body, mind, and rest for us
So that we may have all that you did not
Time is at your command
You give until mere mortal men would collapse
And then you continue...

Your words stop me still
I remain mesmerized by you
Your confidence in me is humbling
This world is ours for the taking
And so we shall...

Our dreams were dreamt decades ago
With childish wants and wishes
Life got in the way of some and created new ones
Yet through it all
You still choose me...

I love our life
I love where we are
I love how you say things that melt my heart
Even after so much time
You remain my hero, my best friend, the absolute love of my life...forever

You are the one I promised to love

Merry Christmas!!

Updates:

1. The Muga Scan showed zero problems with my heart! YAY!!!

2. The neurosurgeon cleared me for all activity AND I do not have to see a physical therapist because I have healed so well and completely. YAY!!!

3. Christmas is in two days and all my shopping is complete. YAY!!!

4. I will write more after Christmas. My sincere hope is that you enjoy yours. Focus on the peace that comes from knowing our God and Savior. May the blessings of Christmas be yours.

~Pandora

My Day

Slept approximately 7 minutes last night. This not being able to sleep stuff is truly beginning to wear me down physically and emotionally. I like sleep. Actually, I love sleep when it is sleepy-time so when it is time for bed and I can't sleep, well, let's just say I ain't happy. You throw in not being able to sleep for weeks now and you can just imagine. I tire incredibly easy and am more prone to have a long to-do list on which very few things get checked off.

I love checking things off my to-do list.

Enter aggravation mode.

Anyway, today I went for my Muga Scan and it went fine, I guess. Again, the Muga Scan is required after hard chemo to check the heart for damage. Hard chemo has a tendency in some people to damage heart vessels and arteries, so the oncologist will order a Muga Scan after you finish the hard chemo to check it against your echocardiogram which was completed before chemo began. The first stick was alright because I had been drinking water all morning and my veins were "plump". Ew. I also had my secret weapon with me...Big Daddy. So he held my hand and had me focus on him as Steve, who had mistaken me for a needle warrior last week, had asked another technician to try me this time. Poor Steve. He wasn't even in there while this woman stuck me. I told you he was about as upset as I was when he couldn't get me last time. So, she gets the vein and I am infused with some radioactive substance and have to wait fifteen minutes before they inject me with the sugar dye which will adhere to the radioactive stuff.

Well, as we all know, I can only be stuck once, if that many times, before my veins tap out, so here we were, fifteen minutes later and BAM! My vein shuts down. The woman who was silently showing off to Steve that she "got the hard stick" was now digging and rooting around for a vein to work. Without the second injection, the first would be a bust, so I was trying very hard to not jump up and run away...again. There is only so much I can take, fortunately, Big Daddy helped me breathe through everything and focus on him and not the treasure hunt going on in my arm. Eventually Needle Nelly got the vein and then I cried...but at least I held it together until then.

We all went back to the Muga room and this included Big Daddy. This was the first time that any tech had allowed him to come with me for ANY kind of test. I was so glad he was in there. It wasn't that I was afraid of the test or anything, I just like him being there with me. I knew the hard part was over...lying in some machine as still as can be is nothing. Needles, injections, infusions...that's the sucky part.

The technician asked if I was claustrophobic and I said I wasn't. She positioned me on the table, attached wire receptors to my chest and tummy, and gave me a blanket. I had one arm raised behind my head and the right arm was placed in a tray by my side. The machine moved and rotated in very close proximity to my chest and then it stopped. I just laid there and breathed in and out and it did not take very long for me to get sleepy. Of course, when you are told to be as still as possible, your nose itches and you need to pee, but I laid there and tried to talk myself out of those things. The scan was over and that was it.

I always try to detect some underlying message the techs are trying to tell me without saying anything... You know they know what they are looking at even without the "interpreter of the test" giving the final analysis, so if they run up and hug you and have tears in their eyes as they say "goodbye", then you know you are dying. If, when you leave, they blow you off and don't seem to really care that you are heading out, then you know you are either okay or they don't like you. I try incredibly hard for the techs to like me because I know they are the ones who will stick me... Anyway, as we were leaving, both Steve and Needle Nelly wished us a Merry Christmas and neither of them were crying so I guess my heart looked okay and I will live.

Big Daddy and I left, came home and ate some leftovers from dinner last night. I really do love my cooking... I spent the next hour and a half on hold (a.k.a. "on ignore") with my insurance company and still they say they will have to investigate and call me later in the week. Um, today is Thursday, so you can call me tomorrow. Ugh! My two biggest questions for the insurance company are:

1. How can you deny my mammogram for $235 claiming it "medically unnecessary" when this mammogram led to the biopsy which led to the bilateral mastectomy because I HAVE CANCER?!?!?!?!?!?

2. How can you say you need my medical records when you have already paid umpteen thousand dollars based on my medical records which you already have?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
YOU DO HAVE MY MEDICAL RECORDS NOW PAY THE DAMN BILL!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moving on... We went to see Southern Lights and had a fabulous time. We go every year and this year we went with Babs, Ken, and their son. Everyone had a blast as we ate kettle corn, peanut brittle, hotdogs, and funnel cakes... We looked at miniature train sets and rode on the kiddie train which goes all around the horse park. We took goofy pictures and sang Christmas carols. I was able to speak with one of my favorite photographers in Kentucky as he was vendoring at the museum. It was a tremendously evening and memories were made.

So, as I sit here this late hour, my heart is happy and filled with joy. The way I see it, anytime you end your day thanking God for it, as simple or as jam-packed as it may have been, then you are blessed to realize God's love for you. My day was not the result of anything that I did or deserved...it was about God blessing me in ways only He can. He took a chilly December day and gave Big Daddy the power to pull me through the rough spots of it, thus bringing us even closer. Then, He took a brisk December evening, filled it with friends and made a sweet memory for each of us to remember forever...and we shall.

Thank you, God, for Your love for me and my family and also, thank You for my day.

Walking with My Hero

Big Daddy and I were walking around downtown today, trying to finish up our Christmas shopping. It was a sunny and chilly day, which is the kind of day I really like. We went to lunch at DeSha's and enjoyed each other's company as always. It was Big Daddy who noticed all the other couples were sitting as we were, side by side, as opposed to across from each other. I love sitting beside Big Daddy... It was as if love was in the cool, brisk air as the sun shone down on all of us.

We enjoyed our lunch and then headed out to the Victorian Square Shoppes and then onto the Lexington Center shops. This is the place to go if you want something from Kentucky or to show that you "bleed blue" for the University of Kentucky. We found a lot of neat trinkets and such and even purchased a few small items for the kids.

One of our stops led us to the Explorium, which is a discovery zone for kids. It was here that we found one of those "water worms"...you know, one of those stress reliever things, filled with water that you just let slide from hand to hand? Sometimes they have little thingies inside to float while you relax, like little plastic fish or something. Anyway, Beautiful Daughter had asked for one while we were vacationing at the beach years ago. We bought one for her and she loved it for a whole five minutes, when I asked to see it. Well, that little piece of tape was bugging me so I started to pick at it and could not seem to stop myself and before I knew it, S-P-L-A-S-H!!! That little hand-held water worm was now just water and a plastic sleeve...separately. Beautiful Daughter cried! "My water worm!! My water worm!!" Tears fell. It was horrible...annnnnnd it was my fault! I assured her we would get her another one and of course, there were no more water worms to be found in Destin, Florida...ever!

Well, today, at the Explorium, there it was...a whole display of water worms! I was beside myself with glee!! We bought one and Big Daddy held onto it so as not to tempt me and my OCD with anymore "tape" fiascoes. Honestly, it could be the best $4.50 I have ever spent. Beautiful Daughter will be so excited to have Mommy keep her promise about replacing the water worm...7 years later.

Hey. I do what I can, people.

As we were leaving the Explorium, Big Daddy stopped a woman who was approaching and said "Where do I know you from?" Well, hells bells, she didn't know and neither did I! She pretty much said exactly that and Big Daddy kept questioning her...

"Don't you live on the corner of such-n-such street, down by that old, white church building?"

"Well, yes...but I don't know you."

"I came to your house one time. I am Officer Big Daddy."

The lady was almost in shock as she said...

"You are the one who saved me?!?!?" And with that, she threw her arms around Big Daddy's neck and hugged him hard. She went on to thank him and to just about cry.

"You just don't know!", she said. I have been looking for you this whole time! I wanted to tell you thank you for saving me and my little boy, but I just couldn't find you. I see the other officer from time to time and ask him about you, but he says he hardly sees you anymore since you changed departments. Oh, lawzy! I am so happy to see you!!"

Big Daddy asked how she had been doing and if things had been going well. She went on to explain how her little boy was now 14 and a freshman in high school. She was now married and going to church. She also said that if it weren't for Big Daddy...and then her words trailed off, but I knew what she meant.

Big Daddy introduced me and the woman held out her hand and just shook mine as if I had something to do with the blessing of having Officer Big Daddy come to her rescue, which of course, I did not. She was simply thankful and it was humbling. I felt honored to be there. You see, in Big Daddy's position, he saves a lot of people, but very few say "thank you". He risks his life for others and the people he works so hard to protect generally do not care enough to acknowledge it, much less say "thank you". It was a full two years in his position before anyone thanked him for risking his life to save theirs.

That is a long time to go without a thank you, pat on the back, or a note in the mail...and he kept on helping people anyway. That's the kind of man Big Daddy is...a hero.

And so, here we were, in the middle of the Explorium lobby and I am present to hear someone thank Big Daddy for risking his life to save hers. As it turns out, the woman was the victim of domestic violence a few years back and when Big Daddy arrived on the scene, the woman was lying on the floor, doubled over in agony, and had two black eyes. Her eyes were so bruised that they were swelling shut right before Big Daddy's. Unfortunately, this was not the first time Big Daddy had seen such violence, nor would it be the last. Fortunately for this woman however, Big Daddy was there and he took care of her assailant immediately.

The woman decided to press charges, which is unusual, and the assailant went to jail for the maximum amount of time, thanks again, to the vigilance of Officer Big Daddy. He was sure to cross every "T" and dot every "I" on this case. The assailant had not only abused the woman, but had also hurt the little boy. You want to upset Big Daddy? Hurt a child.

Big Daddy and the woman talked for a few minutes and she thanked him again and again. They said goodbye and he wished her well. On her way out, she stopped and turned back around saying, "Officer Big Daddy, I will never be able to thank you enough for saving me and my son." Big Daddy smiled his most humble smile and told her to have a merry Christmas.

After she left, I reached up and kissed Big Daddy on the cheek and told him I love him and how proud I am to be his wife. Again, that humble smile showed up and he took me by the hand and we walked through another store. For the rest of our day, we just enjoyed each other and our time together. Big Daddy was fine to be walking with me and I was fine to be walking with my hero.

Family Meeting Forthcoming

We need to have a family meeting before I go back to work and I will tell you why. I am incredibly fearful that the lives of our family will slowly but surely wind up exactly where they were six months ago...slaves to the clock, slaves to the rushing mindset, and slaves to achieving goals...Goals in which we aren't even sure why they are so important to us anymore. I am fearful of regressing back into that way of life. I am afraid that my work will consume me as I try to re-learn everything and prove I am worth retaining. Will I be able to juggle everything again without being consumed by it?

An example: I do laundry every other day now. However, I used to do laundry every Saturday when I was working/commuting 55+ hours a week. I grocery shopped on Saturday mornings arriving around 7am before the rest of the world could get there. The kids and I would clean the house on Saturdays and try really hard to be finished in time to go to dinner or a movie or someplace special with Big Daddy Saturday night. Running the kids hither and yon... Running errands... Running wild...

I am fearful of the return to madness that was my life. Always striving to prove myself and for what...or maybe the better question is for whom? Of course I want my husband to be proud of me...and our children...and my family...and our friends...and total strangers for that matter, but why? Obviously some deep-seated, emotionally needy reason looms, but I don't want to go there.

Will that inner child ever grow up?!??!?!? Geez!

Anyway, we need to have a family meeting so that we can all be on the same page. I don't want our Saturdays consumed with cleaning or housework anymore. I don't want to be at the grocery store at 7am because if I am not, the day is thrown so far off, it is impossible to catch back up. I don't want to look at the clock period. I just want to live and savor each moment and love my family and friends and be a good Christian, a good person, a good servant.

It sounds so easy...

January 4th is right around the corner and so is the biggest, daily challenge of my life...not allowing time to rob me of time...

Fantabulous Weekend in Virginia

The kids and I headed out to Virginia after my failed Muga Scan. Failed, you ask? Yes, failed. The Muga tech could not get a vein and after five, yes, FIVE, attempts, I simply said through teary eyes, "I don't want to do this anymore", and he said "ok". This poor guy was almost as upset as I was. He really tried not to hurt me but that rooting and digging around in my veins DOES hurt and I just had to have him stop.

I had gone to have my labs drawn before my chemo. Apparently the one vein I have that works well was tapped by Linda the Phlebotomist at 8am. Steve, the Muga tech, was trying to tap other veins and it just was not working. Not only do I have small veins, but chemo contributes to veins "blowing" once tapped, as well. I am no more than a big baby when it comes to needles, so this is, in a word, sucking for me to not get my vein on the first try. After five? Nope. I'm outta there.

My chemo went well on Friday and only took an hour as opposed to the 3-4 hour chemo I have been having. Now I am down to only having Herceptin (breast cancer specific chemo), so not only is the infusion time a lot shorter, but there are much fewer side effects associated with Herceptin than with the other two drugs. YAY!!! Here it is Monday morning and I am not in the bed, I am not fighting death, and I am not desperate to crawl out of my skin. I love Herceptin so far!!

Chemo went well and Big Daddy and I picked up the kids from school and we were on our way. Saying goodbye to Big Daddy was hard because he didn't want us to go... He hugged and kissed me goodbye several times and kept telling me how he would miss me. I knew exactly how he felt because before I ever walked through the door to leave, I was missing him already. You see, we have become incredibly accustomed to spending our days together these past few months and it is very difficult to not be together. It has been one of the nicest things about having cancer.

The kids and I hit the road and sang along with the Christmas carols cd's we had purchased. We had a very nice trip, stopping here and there to load up on all the necessities...sour gummi worms, pizza flavored Combos, candy, and supersized drinks... That last "necessity" is why we had to keep stopping. hahaha

We arrived safe and sound and had a lovely dinner with everyone. It didn't take long before the antics began and we were learning the "Cupid Shuffle" and cheerleading moves from Upward Bound. We had such a great time. I cannot recall my niece Kathren being so relaxed and enjoying herself anymore than she did Friday night. We laughed so hard and simply enjoyed each other. The house was full with 6 kids a lot of adults and the entertainment was worth paying for. We just had a blast and I was so glad to be there with them...my family.

Saturday took us shopping and then to see the matriarch of the Harrison family, Thelma. This woman has not changed since I met her when I was 5. The house is still the same as when I would visit as a kid, through my teenage years, and then into adulthood. The only thing missing with Thelma is her husband, "Papaw", as he passed away a few years ago. It is almost as if Thelma cannot bring herself to change anything now that Papaw is gone. You know? I get that.

After we visited with Thelma, we went on to a Christmas party at a friend's house with whom I grew up. It was wonderful and the food was a-m-a-z-i-n-g!! I am telling you what...when you mix cream cheese with anything, it's good, but when you make a Key Lime Cheeseball with graham crackers for dipping? Oh my. A wee taste of heaven on earth. I will be making that soon! Precious Son found something he adored, as well. Chocolate chip cream cheese spread on graham crackers. That boy ate about 1/4 pound of that stuff. He wanted more, but then realized he had eaten it all. LOL

We visited, reminisced, and enjoyed new friends. It was the very essence of Christmas to be together, love each other, and enjoy one another. Sharing this time with my niece was extra special as she and her sweet family bring me such joy.

Sunday came and it was time to head home. Before we left, we were able to visit with my nephew, Kyle, as he was cooking rumaki for the annual VFW Christmas luncheon. Kyle warms my heart. He is one of those people you just love because he lets you. I love talking with Kyle and listening to his ideas. He is a great guy with the most incredible sense of humor. Kyle makes me laugh...and that is a wonderful thing.

We also were able to spend some time with David, Robin's husband, and play with their new kitten, Thomas. Rudy, their boxer, loved Thomas from the moment he came home to live with them. And so it should be...with all of us.

As the kids and I drove home, we replayed some of the highlights from the weekend that went by too fast and we laughed at silly, funny things all over again. Of course, the saddest part as we said goodbye was Kathren crying as we left. This sweet, young woman...she just hates it when we have to go. And just like when I had left Big Daddy a few days before, I knew exactly how she felt because I was missing her already, too...

Enjoy each other... Love one another... Be happy to spend time together...for these are gifts.

Night Sweats and Sundowners

May I just say one more time that being forced into early menopause sucks?

Thank you...because it does.

For all you women out there who have experienced night sweats and survived, I applaud you. I am unsure how you did survive, to be honest. My bedroom temperature is approximately 50 degrees and I am still awakened every 30-40 minutes with a fire raging inside of me. Sleep, while really good and restful there for a while, has left me yet again. I understand why sleep deprivation is used as a torture device.

Now, imagine if you will, not only dealing with night sweats and lack of sleep, but also a psychopathic dog who has lost his mind. Yes, my beloved Titan has gone cuckoo. Apparently my waking him up throughout the night has created some sort of "sundowners disease" for him! Unfreakingbelievable. If I happen to be asleep for my allotted 30 minutes, he will get up, come to my side of the bed and whine. Now, this dog is five years old and has never, ever needed to go outside in the middle of the night. Not until now, that is.

So, Titan wakes me up and I get up and let him go outside. Of course, my other doggie, Trooper, has to go, too...not because he has to peepee but because he is terrified he will miss something. So, I let both dogs out approximately 3-4 times each night during the wee hours. They do nothing while outside. Talk about maddening. They literally go out the door, realize it is cold, and then turn around to come back in. There is no peeing. There is no eating of grass. There is no assaulting of any burglar. Since I refuse to take anymore medicine to help me sleep, I am then laying in bed, incredibly frustrated and even more unable to go to sleep. Honestly. if you are tired or in need of sleep, do not sign up to my bed buddy.

What else is so odd is how my night sweats and Titan's sundowners disease literally go away as the sun rises in the east. It is as if fairies have come and sprinkled magic pixie dust on us allowing us to slumber. Of course, this is also when I NEED TO GET UP!!! Beautiful Daughter gets up at 6:06am!!! Precious Son, 20 minutes later!!! ARGH!!!!! You have GOT to be kidding me!!!

I cannot tell you how frustrating and disappointing it is to be unable to get out of bed to fix breakfast for the kids before they go to school, but here I am. Dealing with the fatigue in general from the chemo is one thing...adding zero sleep on top of that makes getting up impossible. I love cooking breakfast for my family...I love seeing them off before they head out the door...I hate them having to come to me to say "goodbye".

I asked Dr. Horn last time if my menstruation cycles would return and he said that considering my age, they hopefully would. Who would have thought someone would want their period??? Well, I do. I would rather nature take its course than be forced into early menopause because of the chemo. It's so unnatural and quite aggravating. I was always very regular and on time...never had any problems along those lines and things were fine. But I will tell you this much, having your period, while inconvenient and crampy, is far better than no sleep, lying in wet pajamas, and giving your pooch sundowners.

The Victorian Blouse

So, Friday is my first dose of Herceptin by itself... I called the chemo nurses yesterday to make sure I had heard Dr. Horn correctly in that I should not become sick. Yay!!! I heard right!! I should not get sick!! So, the kids and I are heading to Virginia to see Auntie Robin, Kathren, and everyone. We are leaving Friday after my chemo. Babs may be coming with us, but I don't know for sure yet. She is having to work 13 days in a row and Friday will be Day 13. Babs may be too exhausted to come with us!

I went through the rest of my clothes and have two more large trashbags for Auntie Robin to try on. As you may or may not recall, I lost forty pounds BEFORE chemo, as in the HARD way... Anyway, I will not gain that weight back because I absolutely refuse to, so I am giving all my clothes away. I have bought a few things here and there to build up my wardrobe in my new size, but I have to say, Auntie Robin is getting a whole new one! I am glad for her...she never buys anything for herself and some of the clothes I am giving her still have the tags on them. Not sure how that happened, but it did.

There is one top that I came across the last time I went through my clothes. It does not fit but I did not want to give it away. This top is cream colored with long, billowy sleeves. It gathers right below the breast area, if you happen to have breasts. It is reminiscent of an old-fashioned, Victorian type blouse. It is just the prettiest thing. I just didn't want to give it away...not just for how it looks, but also for the memories associated with it. When I wore that top, I was complimented and felt so pretty. One person at my old church even said I "looked like a million bucks". Wow. What a nice compliment!! Anyway, as I stood there in my closet holding the blouse, trying to decide if it should stay or go, I just found myself wrestling with letting it leave my grasp.

Eventually I placed the beautiful, billowy blouse in the bag with the other clothes and said "goodbbye" to it, to the compliments, to the way I felt when I wore it, and to the memories associated with it. The memories are most likely more wonderful in my head than they actually were, anyway...but it is nice to hear that you look nice or even beautiful.

What if I never look beautiful again?

What if people are just saying nice things to me because they feel sorry for me?

What if I go back to work and my old life and never feel attractive again?

You see, here in my new, albeit temporary, world, people are very nice to me. I am complimented all the time about how pretty I look, how wonderfully well I am doing, and such. What if, as I leave my safe haven and re-enter the real world, people are not as interested in making me feel good about my new life with cancer or my new body without breasts? What if people, real people, just don't care about how I feel?

The real world is not where I have been the past few months. I have been sheltered and protected. I have been nursed and cared for. I have been babysat and coddled. People have been so in tune with me that before the first tear fell, I was handed a tissue and felt an arm around my shoulders...

Of course, the trips to WalMart have helped me tremendously in realizing that not everyone cares about me. Heck, at WalMart, NO ONE cares about me.

I'm not sure how a simple blouse cold lead me down such a scary path, but it did and here I am. I go back to work, back to the real world, in a couple of weeks. Meetings with people who don't know I have cancer...trips and tours with people who don't know I am a year away from breast reconstruction...New people getting hired, they won't know. Here, in my home, everyone knows, everyone cares and everyone is kind, loving, and doting. Out in the real world, people have their own demons to deal with, their own "cancers".

I guess I am just becoming a bit apprehensive about rejoining the real world... Maybe if I had a beautiful blouse to wear in which I felt pretty...

Muhga Muhga Muhga Muhga Muhga...

Next on the horizon, as in this coming Friday, I have to undergo a "Mugascan". Let me help you pronounce that... "MUHG-uh scan". You're welcome. Anyway, a Mugascan is a test they run to check your heart for damage after hard chemo. Yet another radioactive dye is injected intravenously to light me up like a Christmas tree. The function of the heart along with the heart itself, are scanned for damage or weakness. I really hope I pass this test.

Also on Friday, I will be receiving Herceptin, the breast cancer specific chemo that my insurance company has denied. You remember...the one costing in excess of $6,000 per infusion? Yeah. That one. Oh, what the hay, let's do one more! Actually, Dr. Horn has already written the letter of medical necessity and sent it off to the insurance company, so hopefully some good news will be forthcoming about all of that. If it turns out to be bad news, then we will just deal with that when it's time.

Another update is the functionality in my left leg. It is improving since the back surgery and I have not even begun physical therapy yet. YAY!!! Where I had to concentrate on clearing steps, now I am able to maneuver them a lot better without thinking so hard. My range of motion has increased as well, for raising my left foot. The doctor who fitted me for my ankle/foot brace said things looked pretty good for regaining my full mobility and function. YAY me!!!

Not sure if you recall, but I was all about frozen Cokes for a very long time. They helped my stomach and soothed my throat while on the hard chemo. Since finishing my last chemo from hell, I have not craved a frozen Coke or even really thought about one. While I was concerned about the Coke making my face break out, it did not. In fact, my skin has never looked better. What?!?!? I know, right??? So cool. You know when you hit around 40 and you are trapped between Clearasil and Retin-A? Well, that's where I was, but not now. Now, my skin is blemish-free and clear as a bell. Ding!!! Love that!!

Other updates now that we are Taxotere-free... My eyelashes and eyebrows never fell out. :o)
So glad about that... My nails remained long and pretty strong thanks to the tea tree oil (even though I had to apply it outside because it stinks!). I did have to apply lotion after every shower in order to maintain the moisture level in my skin, but that was no big deal because I always do that. I never really saw any significant changes in my skin...

After each hard chemo, I would experience a ringing in my ears or a "din" that was hard to take sometimes. I would think I needed to speak louder, which, of course, was not the case. I am sure this was irritating to my family who thought I was yelling, when I wasn't. Also, I was very sensitive to smells after each treatment. I could smell things others could not even see. It was weird. For example, Ms. B had brought over some chili after a hard chemo session. Just as that chili entered the front door, I smelled beer. Now, I was in my room, upstairs, and the chili was being brought in the front door on our second level. (We live in a tri-level) No one else smelled the beer, but it was as if there was an open keg next to my pillow in my room. I asked everyone if they smelled it and nobody did. It was not until a week or so later when I was able to get up that I asked Ms. B if she put beer in her chili and she said "yes, one whole bottle!" I knew it!! I smelled it a mile away. Everyone thought I was crazy until Ms. B confirmed. When you cook with alcohol, you don't normally taste it and you certainly don't smell it, but I did. Oh, and by the way, the chili was delicious!!! :o)

My sleep has steadily improved since overcoming the last hurdle of hard chemo. What a relief. I absolutely HATE not being able to sleep when it is sleep time. I also hate having to rely on medicines to put me to sleep. Drug-induced sleep is not the same. You have weird dreams and you wake up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep. Those drugs make you groggy and goofy the next day. I am thankful for good sleep as I am now about two weeks past the last hard chemo. Each day I try to increase my endurance and stamina so I can go back to work and I think that is helping my sleep at night. I am actually tired and sometimes even exhausted by the time I go to bed. It is a wonderful thing to sleep unassisted by meds because you have had a good and upright day, even exerting a bit of energy here and there.

As I approach the "soft chemo" this Friday, I am a bit anxious to see if there really won't be any side effects like with the Taxotere. I am fearful that I will be the "one in 140 bazillion" who experience nausea, vomiting, and thoughts of driving off a bridge. Hopefully, I will fall into the "average" category for the first time since all this went down and experience nothing or at least, very little in regard to side effects. Hope. Hope. Hope. I will still go once every three weeks for the Herceptin through October 2010, but maybe, just maybe, it won't make me feel like death warmed over.

In the event that you ever encounter someone going through chemotherapy, please know that they are not trying to drive you insane by asking the same question over and over. This thing they call "chemo brain" or "chemo fog" is very, very real. It is incredibly difficult to connect the dots, so to speak. The simplest of tasks are overwhelming. Questions which have been answered repeatedly are asked again. There is no short-term memory and sometimes there is difficulty recalling events from long ago, as well. These side effects of chemo are some of the most aggravating because they make you feel stupid and they are long lasting. After the Taxotere works its way out of your system and you can stand upright, you start to feel better. However, with the mental deficiencies, you never get better. The upswing never comes for those side effects...you simply come off as someone with dementia...or that you don't care enough to remember...or you are not paying attention to directions or not listening. None of these are the case...ok, sometimes, maybe I am not listening, but all in all, the "chemo brain" is very real and very upsetting.

Being a college professor, I grade papers. I have found that I can grade one, maybe two papers at any given time, but no more than that. I have to read essays and reviews from my students. This takes a great deal of concentration which I simply do not have. Heaven forbid something shiny catch my eye! I have gone from extremely focused to ADD. This is requiring some serious getting used to! My point, though, is that when dealing with someone going through chemo, be patient. It is not that we are trying to aggravate you, we simply cannot remember anything nor can we decipher the most simple of requests/tasks/directions. Give us time. As for how much time? I will have to let you know. Lucy told me that her oncologist said she would be back to normal in about five years. Man. That's a long time to forget how to get home from the grocery store.

Things are losing their metallic taste now. I am not sure if that is a side effect that will go away with only Herceptin, but it would be nice. You know things suck when chocolate tastes bad.

I am hoping to be able to go for walks soon. I love walking my dogs. I love walking, period. I used to walk all the time, almost every day...and it was wonderful. I remember walking around and around and around this mile-long circle every day during the nice weather months. I have two Yorkies...my "boys". My 12-pound Yorkie would get tired and just stop. We would be walking and he would just lie down as if he were saying "I'm done", so I would have to carry him. My little 7-pound Yorkie is a fireball and full of energy. He will walk until his legs fall off. People have actually stopped in their vehicles while I have been carrying my big Yorkie to ask if the dog was hurt and if I needed a ride. A wonderful gesture on their behalf...and I would have to say "no, thank you...he's just lazy". LOL It is kind of funny. Anyway, I hope to begin walking again soon. It will take some time to build up energy and endurance, but the boys and I are ready!

I received a reminder postcard in the mail this weekend saying I needed to make a follow-up appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Harris. Hard to believe I have graduated past weekly visits to him to once every 8 weeks. Maybe I am doing better after all. I will call Monday and set up that appointment.

Big Daddy is worried about me going back to work. I am slated for January 4th. I don't even know what day of the week that is. It is hard to imagine being able to function mentally at my job at this point, much less, stay awake and on task. (I have a 40-hour a week job plus I teach college classes at night...I kept one class through this past semester, in case I am confusing you about my work) My 40-hour a week job requires tremendous mental concentration and application. At this point, I am afraid I will have to be re-trained. I work as a government contractor and rules change quite often. I am quite nervous about looking foolish or stupid upon my return. That is one thing I hate...looking stupid. My co-workers are awesome, though, and hopefully they will extend to me the same graciousness they have since I have been gone as I relearn. While I am sure they will, I still dread looking stupid or like I can't be taught. Maybe this "chemo fog" will left before January 4th. Hope. Hope. Hope...again.

So, that is where I am for now. It's a good place where I can get out of the house here and there, enjoy chocolate again, and not have to yell over the din that only I can hear. It's a good place to be when not puking, wanting to puke, and cleaning up puke. Can I get an Amen??? The diagnosis came the end of June. It is now the first of December. My life has changed drastically. The lives of my family and friends have changed significantly. I am a better person for having cancer and I am so thankful. A lot of people go through life assuming they will have time to do all that they want to and dream of... Sometimes it does work out that way, however, sometimes it does not. I am so thankful that God opened my eyes to see His goodness right here in front of me through the blessing of cancer. Not that I think for one second that God gave me cancer...I don't believe that at all!! I believe we live in a fallen world where bad things happen...and God is there to help us and guide us through them and to Him, if we follow. I hope whatever "cancer" you may be dealing with is lifted up to God and that you allow Him to bless you through it as He has done me.

One last thing...if you say "muhga" over and over, it's kind of fun. :o)

Geezer Alert!

The kids were out the door and off to school. Of course, where it takes a great deal of energy and effort to fix them breakfast, I am usually exhausted by the time they leave. So, out the door they went and up the stairs went I...back to bed. I was so incredibly tired. Surely some of that was left over from the past couple of days where I have been feeling better and doing more.

I was back in bed by 7:40am...phone turned off by 7:41am...asleep by 7:42am. At some point, Big Daddy and I changed positions without ever waking each other. That is from years of practice, I assume. *smile* We slept until 11am. Wow.

11 o'clock came and we decided to get up and go run some errands. We headed out and were back home by 12:30. I made lunch for us and began doing some things to get ready for our dinner party with Babs, Ken, their son and Beautiful Daughter's boyfriend. We would be eating at 6, so I needed to get busy.

I sat at the kitchen table and peeled apples for apple crisp...one of my signature desserts. Well, one of my signature desserts that I completely ruined TWICE for Thanksgiving because I am such a ditz anymore. My apple crisp is Precious Son's favorite, so I wanted to try one more time since he missed out on it for Turkey Day. While I sat peeling apples, Big Daddy was also at the kitchen table working on my laptop. We were talking and reviewing some things for our business while also discussing Christmas for the kids, etc.

I finished with the apples and layered the crisp, put it all in the oven and moved on to peeling potatoes and such. Our meal would consist of boneless pork roast, restaurant-style red mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, buttery corn, salad, fresh veggies and dip, and of course, apple crisp a la mode, for dessert. YUM!

Big Daddy and I worked independently on our projects, but we stayed in the kitchen and dining room areas. We exchanged kisses on the cheek and hugs here and there. Just simple. Just sweet. Just nice. We talked and laughed and made decisions about this, that, and the other, working independently but "together".

Before we knew it, it was going on 4 o'clock, and here came the kids. Beautiful Daughter's boyfriend had come home with them and the three of them were glad to be home. They washed and sanitized because we still are sanitizing and probably will be forever. I continued preparing food and thought the kids would gravitate toward the Wii or XBox 360 or even the tv to watch Ellen. (I had to record Ellen, but will be watching it today, which mean TWO episodes in one day! YAY!!!) These teenagers were choosing to stay with us and converse. Amazing. However, they needed to "go on" because three teenagers in a working, cooking kitchen means dinner will be late! LOL

The kids went on and watched ESPN and Big Daddy and I finished up what all we needed to do. Our friends arrived and we all sat down to eat. Everything was yummy and everyone was happy. After dinner, we sat around and talked, again, the kids were there, not wanting to be anywhere else. It was so nice. We eventually decided to rearrange the living room to accommodate our Christmas tree, which needs to be put up soon! Babs has given me until Sunday evening to make that happen. Apparently putting the tree up a week before Christmas is not an option this year. hahaha That's fine. I want this year to be the best yet...

We all visited, Babs and I took the boyfriend home and then Babs and her family left. The dishes were done and everything was back in order and the house became quiet as the kids got ready for bed. Big Daddy and I hugged each other in that special way you hug and not speak. We had just had a wonderful night which had followed a wonderful day.

Nothing big happened.
Nobody famous stopped by.
Nothing came in the mail.
No call was urgent.

It was just a day...an old geezer kind of day...and I loved it.

She's Back...

It is difficult for me to put into words how I felt about Beautiful Daughter's self-imposed removal from me after Big Daddy told her and her brother that I have cancer. She immediately withdrew into herself and I often wondered if she would ever return.

The day we told them, Beautiful Daughter sequestered herself in her bedroom. She has all the amenities in there, tv, Wii, dvd player, radio...so it wasn't as if she were in there just staring at the walls, right? As it turns out, she was just staring at anything. She was not interested in watching tv or playing Wii or anything else. She was holed up in there begging God to take the cancer away from her mom. Obviously, I just found this out despite it having gone on the past several months. I had no idea she in was in there pleading with God because all she ever said she was doing when asked was "nothing" or "watching a movie".

Beautiful Daughter has been removed from us, her family, since June. She wanted to be alone. She didn't feel well. She was doing homework. She was constantly in her room. Having her come down for dinner was about the only time we saw her, and then again, to say "goodnight". We gave her space and after a while, had to assume she was okay. She went to school every day. She brought home the same grades she has always achieved. She was busy as a bee with colorguard and would come home exhausted. I had no earthly idea within the privacy of her bedroom, she was terrified I was going to die.

She told me she was afraid to come home from school because she thought Daddy would be gone and she would find me dead. She also told me that my "joking" about things such as hair loss and being injected with radioactive substances like Spiderman, were not amusing to her. Beautiful Daughter took offense anytime jokes were made about my cancer and she took each one personally. If you know me at all, you know humor sustains me and I seek it out. Precious Son is the same way, so we had some awesomely funny jokes going on, but a non-receptive audience.

The walls of protection had gone up for her. Humor, positivity, reassurance, fact sheets....nothing helped Beautiful Daughter believe I was going to not only survive this, but live a long, healthy life after. Nothing. She had me dead and buried...that's our family history...moms die.

Within the whirlwind of marching band and colorguard, Beautiful Daughter hid her constant fears and desperate need for reassurance. She is a master thespian, apparently. With her being in her freshman year of high school, we knew there would be some moodiness and emotional angst, so we gave her quite a bit of leeway and allowed her what she asked for, "space" and "time to be alone".

When Thanksgiving rolled around and we listed the things we were most thankful for, she began with "this may sound weird or not like a thanksgiving thing, but I am thankful for it. When we first found out about Mommy being sick, I thought she was going to die right away. I know now that she isn't because she is still here and fighting so hard. I am thankful Mommy is here." She went to tell us how she would stay in her room and pray to God to save her Mommy. She said she would just stay in there and cry. She never told us because she did not want me to be upset or sad. So, she took it upon herself to handle this situation all alone, as stoically as possible, which sometimes translated into "indifference".

When you compile the list of "new behaviors" Beautiful Daughter was demonstrating, individually, they seemed typical teenage attitude. Of course there is nothing like 20-20 hindsight.

She stopped hugging me because she could "feel my port".

She stopped sleeping with me in the big bed because she had "fallen asleep" in her own. (Big Daddy works at night and Beautiful Daughter and I like to talk until we fall asleep.)

She stopped needing my help with homework because she "finished it in class".

She stopped wanting me to cook her favorites because she "wanted to learn to make them herself".

She stopped wanting to watch YouTube videos with me because she "hadn't seen any good ones".

She stopped watching "Dancing with the Stars" with me because it was "so predictable".

So you see, none of these things would warrant a red flag individually, not even if compounded, because we are dealing with a 14 year old girl who has promised, time and again, that she is "fine" and would even throw in "I just want to be alone, please"... Nothing seemed out of the ordinary with her if consider the grueling schedule for colorguard, school, and her church obligations.

I knew Beautiful Daughter was struggling, but she was so very convincing that she was "fine". When asked if she wanted to talk about anything, the answer was always "no". She would wax and wane about how tired she was or how this person made her angry, but she never mentioned me, never said the word "cancer" and never once alluded to being scared. You see, Beautiful Daughter is her daddy made over. They don't talk about their fears because they refuse to give those fears a voice.

So, as I sat and listened to my baby girl say that she was thankful for me and that she no longer worries about coming home and finding me dead, I realized just how much she has kept to herself the past few months. What I did not realize that Thanksgiving night, was how things would change so significantly after her admission.

The hugs started back. Granted, they are on the left side, but hey, I'll take that. Yesterday alone she must have hugged me 15 times. This may not seem like a lot to you, but it was an enormous amount to someone who had not received 15 hugs in the past few months, much less in one day.

Beautiful Daughter, beginning Thanksgiving night, piled into my big bed as soon as Big Daddy left for work. She wanted to watch a movie with me, so we did.

Homework now requires my help, or in the case of math, requires me to just sit with her. (If she wants to pass math, she needs to ask her brother or dad for help...sitting and smiling while she does math? Yeah, I can do that :o)

She asked me to make her favorite on Friday after Thanksgiving. Doesn't sound like a big deal to make your child macaroni and cheese...until you haven't been asked to do it for months, and then you are.

We have watched online videos of stupid people and laughed until we have cried. In fact, we even videotaped Beautiful Daughter doing some pretty funny stuff as she was trying to mimic some new dance moves. We laughed until I hyperventilated...and then we watched it again.

"Dancing with the Stars" went off and Donnie Osmond won. What?!?!?!? Ok. Maybe that was not as predictable as she had thought, so now we are watching "Find My Family". (Although I am positive there will not be anything less than a happy ending, and that works for me, predictable or not.)

The best part of the past few days is that my baby is back. My Beautiful Daughter is back...and thus, I have been unable to post anything. You see, I was spending time with Beautiful Daughter because she is finally back...with me...and I missed her with all my heart.

Beautiful Daughter, I love you so...

New Post

Hi. A new entry is forthcoming and soon. Sorry to have been away although it has been nice to have people ask me "where's the next entry?"...makes me feel like you all are still with me.

Nothing is wrong...just some issues that I will explain as soon as I get back on here.

Stay with me?

Blessings!
~Pandora