The New Normal

I am struggling. I have tried not to, but I am. The pre-me and post-me. Before I knew I had cancer and after the call came. The two "me's" are having trouble reconciling with one another and here "I" am, stuck in the middle. Aw, geez. That means there are three of me.

So, really, what am I supposed to do now? Who am I supposed to be? I have to go to work. I have to leave the house. I have to get dressed and make head wraps and cute hats look like the latest, vogue winter styles.

I don't see the doctor like I used to. I don't have appointments anymore, minus the chemo every three weeks. My hair is growing back and even my back has healed. I guess the novelty of my having cancer has worn off. Apparently, I am supposed to move forward and act "normal" from here on out.

Ok. What's normal?

Since I am not in doctor offices all the time, does that mean I am no longer sick?

Since I went back to work and everyone has become accustomed to how I look with my little scarves, etc., does that mean I am fine?

Is anyone concerned with the cancer coming back? Am I? How can I feel this good, this "normal" and think it will come back?

Oh, wait. I felt good and normal before the diagnosis. I guess I cannot rely on feeling good and normal, now can I?

I want to open my own photography studio and follow my dream. Wow. That's freakin' awesome. Um...but wait. What happens to our excellent insurance through my company? What about my 401K contributions from where I work? Let's not forget about stock options, too...My company has maintained stock price increases every single year. There is no "buy low" market for where I work. How many others can say that? I dare guess very few. How am I supposed to walk away from this? Big Daddy's company offers insurance and while it isn't great, it IS overly expensive. Sounds to me like following a dream is selfish and shallow.

Well, ok, but I don't want to be selfish and shallow. If I open my own studio, then we will go on Big Daddy's insurance and pay a lot more for less coverage. Is that the smart thing to do when you have cancer? Oh...never mind. My cancer will probably be considered a "pre-existing condition" and we won't be covered anyway.

The "new me" is not supposed to worry about trivial, petty things because the "new me" has been given a second chance at life...I am supposed to treasure every minute and make the most of life instead of being chained to the mundane chores and stressors of adulthood...

Well, the "old me" still has "old bills" to pay and new ones to come as I will be taking chemotherapy through October, have not even begun radiation, and I foresee some recontructive surgery in my future which will probably be classified as cosmetic, therefore, not covered.

Here's another thought. What if the cancer does come back? What if the cancer they took out was the tip of the iceberg and as soon as I complete my chemo and radiation, it comes back? Hey, it happens. I would be remiss to not think about it, wouldn't I? Who am I to think I am in remission? What if it comes back and I die the next time? What if I die and, because I left my job and incentives, I leave my family with tremendous financial burden? I don't want to do that!!!! I want to leave them with gloriously happy memories and sweet times they store up and treasure in their hearts, not bills.

I go to work and nobody mentions my cancer. We talk about this, that, and the other, but nobody even seems to remember that I was out for a long period of time with cancer. It makes it easy to be "normal" or at least, not appear to have cancer. I had mentioned my reservations and fears about returning to work of such great importance and being terrified to screw it up. Good call, actually. Today I made my boss swear twice because I had misunderstood the instructions on how to do something. There was a deadline and I missed it because the task was wrong. I let my boss down and I felt (still feel) terrible.

What do I do with those feelings? Blow them off because they suck the very lifeblood out of me or acknowledge them and try to make it up to my boss? You see, everywhere I turn the "old me" and the "new me" struggle.

"New me" says "she is upset but she will be fine because it was fixed in time for the meeting...don't sweat the small stuff".

"Old me" says "OH NO!!!! I really let her down and she will never trust me again to do anything difficult. I must make this right!! I shall plant a garden outside of her window so she can watch the vegetation grow and produce as spring draws near"...or something equally stupid and impossible to achieve. All this to prove I am not incompetent but, if I am incompetent, I am still a very nice person...

Here's the thing, my boss was fine in her meeting. She cut and pasted something from somewhere else and everything was fine. Yes, I let her down by misunderstanding the information and I hated that, but I have to say, when I asked three other people to help me, no one could. There was not a lot I could do short of going to my boss and proving I am an idiot...and I wasn't going to do that. Old me, new me, same me...always hate looking stupid.

Being stressed used to mean that I was not working enough unpaid overtime hours...now, it does not. These days being stressed comes from having funny numbers come back on my bloodwork or one of our children not answering their phone or trying to name my business. Maybe I can't name my business because it is never going to happen. Maybe I can't decide on a name because somewhere deep inside a voice is saying "the cancer is coming back..." Talk about stress. Those kind of thoughts are my "new normal".

Sure enough, as soon as I went back to work, "old me" came out of hiding and slid right into the old routine like a worn leather glove that you have molded perfectly to your hand over the past few years. "New me" was trying to poke her head out and give good advice here and there, but the realities weighed in more heavily than that little, "new me" voice ever could.

So, here we are...and all I know for sure is that when I was off from work and at home with Big Daddy and the kids, I felt safe, protected, wanted, and cured...

Out in the real world, with real people with their own lives, I just don't feel that way...and all three of "me" want to come home.