No, seriously...

Big Daddy and I met with the radiation-oncologist, Dr. Amin on Thursday. We had met her prior to my first surgery where we had discussed the course of treatment after surgeries were done and the chemotherapy begun. She was very nice then and very nice this day, as well. She has a compassionate demeanor and seems genuinely concerned for the patient as well as the family. I like her.

When Dr. Amin came in, she shook our hands and opened my chart. I believe in the twenty minutes we were in there, it was noted by her three time that this case, my case, is not the norm. She referenced my situation as an "anomaly", "rare", and "unique". Having spent most of my adult life striving for "unique", this time it qualifies as a "FAIL" on the report card of life.

Big Daddy heard things I did not. I heard things Big Daddy did not. That's why I am not 100% positive of what is real or true...I only know that what I heard did some heavy duty stirring of emotions I thought I had buried for good.With your medical chart, the most recent information is on top. Dr. Amin paged through my information, bottom to top-top to bottom-middle to end-beginning to middle. There was a lot of page flipping and some confusion here and there."Your such-n-such test revealed no abnormalities".

"Um, actually, it did...twice".

"Oh, yes. Here it is, I see."

Again, mixing in an occasional "rare" or "inconclusive", made me know she at least had the right chart.I don't recall exactly what she said to catapult me back to June, but whatever it was, I was back in the whirlwind of confusion, fright, and emotional distress. I was so confused then as to how the diagnosis was coming back as breast cancer when seemingly none of my tests had any markers for breast cancer.

HER2NEU...Inconclusive.

BRAC Analysis...Negative.

No primary was ever found.

No cancer in either breast.

Margins clear.

One lymph node engaged.

Lymph node not in breast.

FSH test...Inconclusive.

No female hormone abnormalities found.

No, seriously. How does anyone know I have breast cancer????

What test was it that determined I FOR SURE have breast cancer? What was it that came back positive for breast cancer? Why isn't it lymphoma? How do we know all the surgeries and such were necessary if no one can tell me how the diagnosis came to be when everything came back indeterminate? No, seriously...tell me.

So, I asked and Dr. Amin flipped through the pages of my chart. As she flipped, she said, "I don't know what to do. I do not want to radiate you if there is no need. You have had the double mastectomy. You have completed the hard chemo and are now on the Herceptin. I don't know if you need radiation. There is no need to radiate your chest wall. The lymph nodes (24) have been removed and you have clean margins. There may not be a need to put you through this".

Well, that's fine. I don't want to go through it, anyway...but, no, seriously, do I have breast cancer?

This is where the information I heard and the information Big Daddy heard changes...

"Your tests were inconclusive, blah, blah, blah...something, something...Dr. So-N-So says here it could be cancer of the breast, pancreas, something, buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz in my ears, blah, blah, but you definitely do not have lung cancer."

Oh, good. I would hate to think that I would have to have both lungs removed, too.

I shut down. I stopped listening…not because all my questions were answered but because when she mentioned "pancreas", I zoned out. This was the first time since all this began, that I had heard anyone say anything about the possibility of other organs being involved. I thought it was breast cancer or lymphoma. The End. Now, Dr. Amin was reading from MY chart and she mentioned the possibility of my having some organ cancer. She mentioned three organs before saying I do not have lung cancer…I just don’t know what she said in between “breast, pancreas”, and then that I “do not have lung cancer”.

The mad carnival ride had begun again. My mind raced with this new information. All I wanted to know was which test came back saying I definitely have breast cancer and everything I have done has been the right thing. Will anyone be able to tell me all decisions that have been made, have been the right ones? Anyone??? Anyone at all???

Was all this for nothing?!?!??!?!??

Dr. Amin kept talking and I brought myself back to the conversation, still reeling from hearing the possibility of organs being involved. That was the very first time anyone had ever said it that I heard it…they may very well have said it 100 times over the past few months, but this was the first time I had heard the words… Breast cancer has one of the highest rates of curing and survival. If I have to have a cancer, I want that one…plus, my boobs were tossed in a trashcan a while back and it would just work out better for me if that hadn’t been for nothing.

Dr. Amin asked if it would be alright for her to consult with her colleagues and gain a consensus over what course to take…to radiate or not. Hopefully, someone will also be able to answer MY question…how do you know I have breast cancer? What rules breast cancer “in” and all other cancers “out”?

I have an appointment with Dr. Horn after Dr. Amin calls me on Tuesday to give me the consensus. Here’s the thing…

If I have the radiation, there is no guarantee that the cancer will not return…but there IS a guarantee that I will have some sort of side effect in my left arm. Damage is irreversible and never gets better. The statistics show that 80% of people have damage done to the nerves, tendons, muscle of the radiated area/limb. Now, 40% of those people have severe damage while another 40% have minimal and 20% have moderate. So, I will have side effects based on the stats…it’s just a matter of time to know how much and how bad.

If I do not have radiation, there is no guarantee the cancer will return and no guarantee that it was necessary to begin with. I will keep full usage of my arm and hand.

Dr. Amin put it this way…My quality of life is going to be affected one way or another. If I have the radiation, I will most likely lose some functionality in my arm and hand and have to undergo physical therapy for the rest of my life…oh yeah, and wear a compression sleeve all the time…BUT, I will have peace of mind that I did everything I could possibly do to beat this thing.

If I do not have the radiation, then my quality of life is affected because I will worry about the cancer coming back and always question if I did the right thing by foregoing the radiation…BUT I will have full usage of my arm and hand, necessary for being a photographer, which does weigh heavily on my mind…that whole “being a photographer” thing. Even if I have to keep a “real” job in an office, I will be able to use computers far better with an arm and hand that works. Let me remind you, I am NOT one of those heroes that muster the courage and grace to do remarkable things when tragedy strikes. Instead, I am a big baby who finds herself in a tizzy when the simplest of plans do not come to fruition after having, Hello?!??!, P-L-A-N-N-E-D them.

So, here I am. Unsure of so many things. Do I have breast cancer? Should I have the radiation and purposefully damage my arm and hand? Do I not have the radiation and just live my life to the fullest because there is no guarantee of the cancer not returning anyway? Why did Dr. Amin mention pancreatic cancer? Is this a possibility? What other organs did she even say? How long do I have to wait before the next cancer shows up on my PET Scan? A PET Scan is the full-body scan where they inject you with radioactive sugars that adhere to cancer cells and then light you up like a Christmas tree if cancer is present. Having one come back “dark” means no cancer, I thought…and my last one was “dark”. Dr. Amin said that I could be growing cancerous cells right now but they may be microscopic still…meaning, they aren’t big enough to be seen on the PET Scan. In other words, having a clean PET Scan does not mean you don’t have cancer… Damn. That was another basket where I had kept quite a few eggs…

I can tell you this much…I loathe the arthritic state my body has been plunged in because of the chemo. I hate, Hate, HATE being slammed into early menopause and all the crap that brings to the table. Let me tell you gals something…do not wish your period away. Not having one is far more devastating than having one…especially when you are way too young to have your hormones in such a confused state. You will just have to trust me on this one…but you need to say a prayer of thanks that your body is working right when you cramp, have head and body aches, and want to shoot people who drive too slowly or who cannot, for the love of God, operate the self-checkout register at WalMart, but insist on getting in that line anyway.

I cannot stand is not knowing what is going on inside of my body. Did we make the right decisions? Did we have the right surgeries? Did we do everything that we did for absolutely nothing? Am I one test away from finding more cancer? You know, it only takes one test to change your life completely. No, seriously…

I have been accused of asking too many questions throughout the course of my life. I know that may be hard for you to believe, but it’s true. No, seriously…