Radiation Begins, As Does Doubting the Next Step

Every day for six weeks. Not sure if the fatigue is attributed to the schedule or the radiation itself...regardless, that's a lot for a body to handle.

My radiation-oncologist explained it to me like this... "You know how you become incredibly tired when you are out in the sun all day? Well, it is more from effects via the sun's radiation than it is from the heat, like most people believe. The radiation penetrates your body and stays. Just like a sunburn takes a while to surface, the radiation you are being given is changing your body and making it work harder. Your radiation is concentrated so you might think that just your arm would be tired, but in actuality, your whole body is being altered by the radiation, thus the fatigue."

That actually made sense to me. I could not wrap my head around why radiation would make me so tired until she explained it that way. She went on to tell me how radiation lingers up to six months after your last treatment, altering, changing, manipulating cells and such. That is why you have to wait six months after your last treatment to be seen by a reconstruction surgeon, if you go that route.

Are you going that route, Pandora? Will you have reconstructive surgery?

Excellent question to which I have no definitive answers.

Surely that sounds crazy to you, just as it sounds crazy to me. I mean, why wouldn't I? I could have the boobs women dream about for the rest of my life! Perky...perfectly shaped...never to sag to my knees as old age wreaks havoc on the rest of my body. Can you imagine it...a 75 year old woman with boobs to make the latest nubile starlet jealous? Laughing. At 75 will I still care? Probably since women are programmed to be all too concerned with such nonsense as believing how they look is who they are. Pfft. How I look is most certainly NOT who I am and it only took a double mastectomy to show me that.

So, will I or won't I...that is the question. As of this minute, having just returned from my daily radiation at 8:10am every, single day, I don't know. What I do know is that I am tired of being put to sleep. Tired of being cut on. Tired of drainage tubes and narcotics. Tired of the cold, sterility of operating rooms and some staff. The last time I was put under I remember asking the attendant if it was normal to have a stinging sensation as the magic potion put me to sleep. She never answered and the next thing I knew I was waking up in post-op. I reckon it was okay for the IV solution to be stinging...

Anyway, it isn't like I have to make a decision right this minute.

"I have time", she said, forgetting she has cancer and that time is not the luxury she once thought hers...

I remember being so utterly devastated right before my mastectomy because I did not qualify for the immediate reconstruction surgery because I would have to have radiation. I remember being engulfed in fear and shame. Shame, you ask? Yes, shame. What is a woman without her breasts? Is she a woman? You think you know the answer until it is you in front of the mirror looking at your Frankenstein body and feeling like an outcast between no longer looking like a "real" woman, bald head, and hunched over because of chemo-induced arthritis. Please don't pretend to know how you would feel if you have never known that feeling...

So, feeling as I did a mere six months ago and remembering the devastation at not being able to be "fixed" for at least a year or two...how could I even consider not having reconstructive surgery?

Easy.

I'm tired.
I am not my chest.
I am a woman despite what physical features I may be missing.
I don't care sometimes.
My body and mind are exhausted by the very idea of going back into surgery.
Why bother? The one man I have loved forever is the only man I will ever want and he already wants me as I am.
Every time I fly on an airplane and undergo the full body scan now in place, I will feel compelled to explain that I am not a superficial-all-too-concerned-with-my-looks person as my implants show up on the screen.

On the other hand, what would compel me to go ahead with yet another, extensive surgery for merely cosmetic purposes???

You get a tummy tuck with the boob job.

Oh, yeah! That's right!!

Yes, kids, a tummy tuck on top of boobs you can bounce a quarter off of is worth thinking about.

I guess I am as vain as I never wanted to be...the thing is that now, I am more interested in looking great as I enter a room or party or event on the arm of my husband...and I want him to think I look amazing. Sure, sure, he sees me first thing in the morning and last thing at night when my semi-bald head is covered with new, babysoft hair sticking up all over the place, no makeup on and, although color-coordinated, still some pretty "worn" pajamas...and he still tells me I look beautiful. Poor man. Doesn't he deserve me looking my best?

Lots of things have changed...my mind just keeps on being one of them.