Sleeping Well

I heard right. I am being treated for breast cancer despite inconclusive test results. Let’s give that a moment to sink in…

Nope. Sinking in does not help it go down. Let’s try again.

I am being treated for breast cancer although no test or scan or doctor, for that matter, can tell me I have breast cancer.

Wait for it…wait for it…let it sink in…

Nope. Still nothing.

Ok. Maybe if I put it this way…

I have been treated for something no one knows that I have. I have undergone a double mastectomy, port placement, chemotherapy, back surgery, countless tests and have been stuck with an infinite number of needles which I h-a-t-e and no one can tell me it wasn’t all for nothing.

Hmmmmm.

Thinking…

Pondering…

Mulling…

Back to thinking…

Nope. Still don’t get it.

After all this time, I am back in June. It is February and I am in June of last year. I have celebrated our son’s 17th birthday, Christmas, New Year’s, and the return to work. Hmmmm. How am I revisiting June 2009?

Oh, I know. In June 2009, I was not coherent after that call came saying I had cancer. Now, after a few months of being treated for the cancer, I can go back mentally and revisit the conversations I had with doctors and experts in the field of oncology and concentrate on what they said.

“We are going to treat you for breast cancer although there is no definitive proof that you actually have it”.

Ummmmm. Ok.

“We are going to be aggressive in treating you for breast cancer despite not having any documentation or test results confirming that diagnosis”.

Ummmmm. Ok.

“We are going to remove both breasts, the area of lymph nodes where the cancer is, and check the margins for additional cancer cells then we will begin a horrific regimen of chemotherapy. Next will be radiation and eventually, you will be able to have reconstructive surgery, but not for a great while. Okie dokie?”

Ummmmm. Okie dokie.

“Oh! And one more thing. The chances of your needing to have back surgery on your spine are slim to none, but just in case, we are going to go ahead and assume that this will become an issue while you are undergoing everything else, so let’s plan on back surgery in there, too. Alrighty?”

Righty roo.

Of course, no one was that nonchalant with me, with us. No one was condescending or rude or lacking compassion. The people we have met through this ordeal have been absolute blessings that God placed in our lives to help us through this difficult time and we are so very grateful. It’s just to look back on the whole thing…to replay conversations that I don’t even remember having…and then to come out on the other side and see how absurd all of it is…well, it is absurd.

After having spoken with both Dr. Amin and Dr. Horn yesterday, the consensus is to move forward with the radiation. I go today for a CAT Scan and to get things squared away to begin next week. As I have mentioned about 16 times, it will be every day for six weeks. Seems like a lot to me. I can’t think of anything I have ever done every day for six weeks… Dieting? No. Exercising? No. Reading my Bible? No. OOOOH!!!! Eating ice cream? YES!!! *smile*

While I had the good doctors on the phone, I came right out and asked them…

“Did I miss something back in June because I am confused as to why I am being treated for breast cancer. Did a test or scan come back with proof that I have breast cancer because to my recollection, nothing did.”

“No. Nothing came back denoting breast cancer.”

“Ok. Sorry to repeat myself or sound like I am doubting you, buuuuuut, why did we do all we did for breast cancer if we don’t know I actually have breast cancer?”

Neither doctor was upset that I was asking. Neither one of them acted like I was accusing them of incompetence. Both of them were kind and sincere when they answered and they both answered the same:

“Yes, all tests, scans, and reports came back as inconclusive. There is no definitive reasoning to say you have breast cancer, however, this is why we have chosen to go the way we have. The location of your cancer was in the left axillary lymph node. These lymph nodes drain into the breast. That is the first reason…location. The second reason we have moved forward with the cancer being of the breast is because of how it looked. The appearance of the cancer is consistent with breast cancer as opposed to some other kind of cancer. Different cancers look different-ly. Another reason we have aggressively treated you for breast cancer is that IF it is breast cancer, then we have an excellent chance of having you survive it by how we have treated it. If it turns out to not be breast cancer, then we still did the best we could to save your life”.

“Ok. So, one more question… Will I ever know what kind of cancer it is for sure”?

“If your body is hosting microscopic cancer cells that are growing because we cannot detect them and radiate them, then, yes, eventually we will know for sure what kind of cancer you have. The hard chemo would have helped in killing those cells, but the Herceptin chemotherapy will not be helping unless it is breast cancer”.

“So, I may be having radiation for nothing and risking diminished mobility and function of my arm and hand for nothing, if it isn’t breast cancer”?

“Yes. The radiation will not help you unless it is breast cancer and there is risk associated with the radiation that may very well turn out to have been for nothing”.

“So, after everything…all the surgeries, chemo, radiation…I still may have cancer”?

“Yes”.

“Ok, then.”

You may think it difficult to have slept last night after hearing and retaining the information given to me, but it wasn’t. I slept like a baby on Benadryl. How? Because of what I have been given throughout this whole ordeal. My husband loves me without end and I know it. Our children are healthy and happy teenagers with a new level of compassion they may never have achieved without my having cancer. Our friends have become more like family and our families have rallied. I wake up every morning and am blessed to be able to kiss my son, daughter, and husband good morning. I have a job that makes me use the brain I was born with and contribute to the defense of our great nation. I am an American. My family has never been hungry. My family has never wondered where their next meal was coming from or how they were going to stay warm as the sun set. My friends have shown more confidence in me than I ever had in myself. God has continually blessed us by renewing our faith, hope, and love. The art of polite, genuine, and exposing communication has been realized as our greatest fears have surfaced. I can worship, pray, and read my Bible without fear for my life. We have not missed paying one bill. We live in a very nice house with heat, electricity, stocked pantry, and all the comforts one could ask for. My doggies welcome me home every day as if I have saved the universe from total destruction. My daughter has returned to her old self after sequestering herself away from me, my cancer, my dying. My son made All-District Band for the first time and his list of achievements continues to grow as he prepares to enter adulthood. Our children love God and church is their favorite place to be. Our son wants to minister to high school students and be a living testimony of God’s love. Our dearest friends have found a church they are considering calling “home” after many years of struggle. People are already calling me to set up appointments for me, little ole me, to take their photographs and help them treasure “today”. My nephew is getting married in July and we are going to the wedding. My niece is expecting a baby. My family in Bristol started going to church and has become so involved that the children are worried when snow comes on Saturdays. My nephew has found a job he enjoys and is successful in. My sisters pray for me and would do absolutely anything for me, for my family. My brother calls me regularly to check on me and to tell me he loves me. The anger and resentment I have felt for this, that, or the other slowly dissipates day by day into a pool of nothingness. I hold no grudges…not even against the one woman whom I allowed to reduce me to a speck in my own mind by her actions… I am happy in my own skin after decades of wishing I were someone else. My husband works harder than anyone I know and never complains or quits or gives up. Our children are humble, thankful, and charitable young people who volunteer for mission work and to feed the hungry. I receive cards and emails every day from people saying they are thinking of me and praying for me. I have money for chocolate. I have a plethora of lessons learned and have chosen to lower my own bar and stop trying to be perfect. I laugh a lot. My vehicle is in great shape and is doubling very well as a mobile photography studio. My kids still like to sleep with me. Our house is the “cool house” where the friends of our kids come to hang out. Big Daddy calls me “Slim” and I love that. My body is healthier than it has ever been and I am able to start walking and exercising again. I am of sound mind and have an ocean full of memories good, bad, regretful, traumatic, each contributing to who I am today. I do not have to ask for help to go to the restroom, be fed through a feeding tube, or use a wheelchair. I have no paralysis and have all my limbs. I am protected by the greatest military in the world and am free. I am planning my family’s vacation and not planning a funeral. I have faith in my God and trust Him with my life and my death.

So, you see, it isn’t a matter of getting all worked up about not having a confirmed diagnosis anymore than it is about getting worked up over people who make me angry or drive slow, people who give me a deadline to do something for them, or even paying exorbitant prices for razor blades. Is there some sort of metal shortage I know nothing about that Big Daddy’s razor blades are outrageous???

Anyway, I am fine. We were led to Dr. Horn by God. I believe that with all my heart. He was our second opinion after the first oncologist was so, well, was soooooo…not for us. Dr. Horn was the first person to tell us to go home and pray about things. I knew then that he was the right one. I knew God had led us to him and his team just as He led me to find the cancer to begin with.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed for me…and it isn’t guaranteed for you, either. You can choose to bog yourself down with a laundry list of what-if’s and wish-I-hadnt’s, but everything contributes to who you are. I have made mistakes, some of which are serious ones that I still struggle with forgiving myself…despite knowing that God has forgiven me. That’s just part of being human, I guess. Seems like if God can forgive you, you should be able to forgive yourself…I mean, He’s God for Pete’s sake. Which holds more weight? God’s forgiveness of my sins or my own forgiveness of myself? Maybe some things we just never let go of because we don’t want to or we feel better if we feel horrible. Some people aren’t happy unless they are miserable and I don’t want to be that person.

Every night when I take a shower, I open the window and breathe deeply. The water cascades over me, across and down my shoulders, pouring down my back and legs. The water washes me clean and the cold air stimulates my mind and lungs. It is in there that I remember things and people and places…and I just think. I remember. I recall. I regret. I relive. I revive. I stare at the moon and remember how it has brought me comfort throughout the years. When Big Daddy was in Korea for a year, I would stare at the moon and feel somehow connected to him because we saw the same moon. In Germany, I would stare at the moon and wonder what our children would be like as they grew older. In Austria, I would look at the moon and see it’s reflection in the snow of the Austrian Alps and feel my breath slip away in awe. In Colorado, I would stare at the moon and see the most amazing silhouette of the Rockies any man has ever seen. In Kentucky, I look at the moon and wonder…wonder about my family, my friends, my mistakes, my cancer, my body, my future…and then I realize God hung the moon and the stars and He knows everything about everything so I don’t have to.

Yes…I am happy. I am not concerned that we made wrong decisions. I know people have lied to me to get what they want. I’m sure I have done the same thing. I am not perfect and never will be. I know that forgiveness is mine if I will just accept it. I know I am a good friend to have because I have been shown what a good friend is.

A few years ago, I woke up miserable every single damn day. I hated my job, I hated the people I worked with, I hated the commute, I hated the pay, I hated the person I was when I was there. And no surprise because chaos breeds chaos, home life wasn’t great, either. I made stupid decisions as I tried in vain to make myself happy. I was further from God at that point in my life than I had ever been. I didn’t pray. I didn’t go to church regularly. I didn’t attend Bible study. I did not surround myself other Christians. God had not moved, it was all me.

It was during this time, I was slapped across the face with true anguish like I had never before felt. I selfishly turned to the same God I had basically turned away from, and yet, He met me with open, forgiving arms. He never said “You deserve this”, “I told you so”, or “Go away.” All He said was “Come to Me, you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest”. Just like He said in Matthew 11:28…but this time, it was for me. And I went and fell into His arms of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and peace…and He prepared me for the rest of my life.

And so, I sleep like a baby…I am happy…I am forgiven…and I am His.