Hello, Friday

I really don't have time to sit here and write but here I am... Writing, for me, has become as much as a therapy as any chemo or radiation. My plan was to not even touch my laptop until I had accomplished everything on my "to do" list, but I am so overcome with emotion, that I feel if I do not write, nothing else will get accomplished anyway.

As you know, Wednesday was pretty darn bad. Thursday was better, much in part to my Cymbalta coming in the mail, I am sure. Regardless, Thursday was better. As I mentioned, Big Daddy has been in class all week. He called me Wednesday around 6pm to see where I was and could tell instantly that there was something wrong just by hearing my voice. I told him I was almost home...I had just taken the kids to church...and no, I didn't really want to go out to dinner. (We normally go to dinner on Wednesdays, just the two of us). I tried incredibly hard to sound "fine" but obviously didn't since Big Daddy was standing in the driveway, waiting for me. He opened the door to the truck and asked what was wrong... It was obvious I had been crying and was hurting. Seemingly, the more I tried to sound "ok" or act "alright", the easier it was to see that I was not in a good place. Before I could step out of the truck, he leaned in, put his arms around me and just said "I love you...let me help you", and with that, I began to sob.

The gentleness of this man, the patience, the virtue...I am speechless. I adore him.

We talked for a while and then he thought I might do well to get out the house for a bit. He took me to Joseph~Beth Bookstore and led me to the cd's. I picked up three...
Brandon Heath - What If We (Contemporary Christian)
Melody Gardot - My One and Only Thrill (Jazz)
David Gray - Draw the Line (yes, my second one)

Then, Big Daddy took me to the magazine section and sat me down in front of the photography magazines and said, "See what you can find"...so I did.

When Thursday morning came around, I felt better and have continued to feel ok since...well, until this morning.

"Could you please tell me how many more weeks I have?"

"Oh, you finish on Monday! Aren't you excited?"

"Oh. Ok. Sure."

"Is that ok? Are you alright with being finished?"

"Well, I guess so, but I am really going to miss seeing you all every day."

And with that, the swell of emotion filled me again.

I am afraid to be finished with radiation...with radiation, I am proactively doing something to stop the cancer. With chemo once every three weeks, it is easy to think you are not doing all you can because the length of time between treatments is so long despite knowing that chemotherapy is an ongoing drug that stays in your body for weeks at a time.

Knowing something intellectually does not mean you can reconcile it easily between your heart and mind...

The other side of this coin is that I truly and genuinely love these girls! They are kind, sweet, happy, and they treat me like a person, not a patient. I love them... I don't want to stop seeing them. It is as if I have become addicted to visiting with them each morning and cannot start my day without them. I feel as if completing radiation means I am alone.

Of course I know better. I know I am not alone. I know I can meander down that hallway and peek in to say hello anytime I like...but it's different now. The girls will be busy with someone else now...making their journey easier and lighter just by being themselves. I probably won't ever go and tell them hello just because I would not want to take away from someone else gaining comfort from them, as I have.

Basically, I am just at a loss. Why do I feel like I am losing part of myself by finishing radiation? I don't know, but that is exactly how I feel.

Shouldn't I be happy and rejoicing in the fact that I have almost completed yet another step toward healing and hopefully, cure? Why, yes, I should. Maybe it just seems that after each event in my health care is complete, I am then one step closer to being on my own in my fight. It will literally be my body versus cancer. Period. What will happen in October when I finish up the chemo???

Gosh. I just don't know...but I can assure you, my chemo nurses will be greatly missed, as well. I just cannot think that far ahead right now. Not as I sit here realizing I have to say goodbye to the radiation girls and what my mornings with them have meant to me.

Dear Radiation Girls~
You give me hope. You make me laugh and smile and feel like a person. Each of you have touched my heart and I am forever changed. I told my daughter that if she wanted to go to nursing school to be a radiation nurse, I would go with her and become one, too. Of course, the fact that she wants to be a chef and not a nurse is something we will have to work out, but even at 15, she can see how you all have touched my heart. I'm am not sure where my road will lead, but I will always take you girls with me in spirit. Thank you for what you do for those of us who need you so desperately...