I Have Been To The Mountain Top...

So, Sunday’s sermon was about how doubt does not have to be destructive. How doubt can lead to great conversation, even debate and how it opens up an avenue of communication that may not have been available without having someone ask “why” or “how”. I get that. Of course, the minister was speaking in terms of having doubt in your faith, which I don’t… However, with a little finesse, I could easily turn the sermon on doubting one’s faith into doubting one self, so I did….because I do.

Do you realize that when Jesus spoke with Thomas after the resurrection, Jesus said “Peace be with you”. Peace is the polar opposite of doubt. I am without peace.

Doubt surfaces when things go askew… Big things such as illness, death, job loss…these are the ones that can leave someone reeling in the throes of doubt. Wondering why bad things happen to good people…if God loved us, loved me, then how could He allow this to happen? Infidelity, injury, total loss of financial stability. There is an infinite list of things that go wrong or create doubt. It’s very easy to be a good Christian when things are going well, isn’t it? It’s easy to be a good Christian at church, too. Obviously, the world is getting in our way of being good Christians. Either that, or we, ourselves are keeping us from being good Christians? Well, that can’t be right.

Was I in a better place spiritually a year ago when the diagnosis came? Being diagnosed with cancer gives you two choices: Be strong and believe in God or crumble and blame God. I chose to believe in God. I still do.

The past year has been phenomenal. My family has experienced a deeper love and commitment than ever before. My friends have demonstrated that love “does”…not “thinks about”. My co-workers have cheered me on and welcomed me back time and again. We have made new friends and experienced deep love from our new church family. The opportunities to gather together and rejoice in the simplicity of life and family have grown in number. We are so blessed.

Why would peace elude me, then?

I still struggle with the inconsistencies of people…not life, people. I don’t understand why people do what they do…and I really don’t understand why people do what they do to the people they supposedly “love”. Why are we so quick to pass judgment on other people? So fast to accuse? So ready to assume the worst? How is it that we have so little regard for the feelings of those closest to us?

I have been (am) on the receiving end of such presumption. I have also dished it out on a regular basis. I used to joke that being judgmental is not for amateurs...and I was a professional. That all changed when I got my head out of my ass. I lowered the bar, so to speak, and just tried to see people for who they were. Flawed, imperfect, yet, for the most part, trying to do their best. I spent twenty years of marriage trying to prove to Big Daddy I was right or to see my side during an argument. Now I will list for you the arguments I really needed him to concede my “rightness”:

1.

Ok. I can’t recall a single one. That’s my point. Not one argument has ever mattered enough to stay in my head. Not one, so why bother trying to convince him or anyone else, for that matter, about how right I am? Now, what about you? Can you recall a single argument you have had with someone that all you wanted was for them to admit you were right? How did that work out for you? Did you lose a friendship over it? A relationship? A partnership? A marriage?

Anyway, throughout this past year, it has become increasingly easier for me to speak my peace and then move on. If people want to get wrapped up in what they think I meant or what I said or didn’t say or what context it was in or out of or what was I really saying between the lines, then fine. Go right ahead. I can save you some time, though.

I meant what I said when I said it. I was as clear as possible.

I cannot change anyone’s mind or opinion and I am okay with that. Ah, a different kind of “peace”. That only took 40+ years. Twenty years of marriage combined with forty-some of just being here.

Peace eludes me because I have now seen both sides…”I have been to the mountain top”.

I have seen the strongest and most hardened man break down and sob silently in confusion and fear as a vulnerability crept in and took hold.

I have watched teenagers climb into bed with their parents just to feel safe and protected.

I have witnessed an outpouring of love and the lifting of prayer and petition on behalf of a stranger.

I have felt a tangible love as friends rallied and brought not only food and services, but also comfort.

I have read encouraging words and sentiments from people I thought had long ago forgotten me.

I have listened to God, Himself, tell me He is with me.

So, how can I be without peace?

Because, one year later, life has gone on.

I have seen the strongest and most hardened man seal up his vulnerabilities and mail them back as he regains control of his life.

I have watched teenagers carry on with their young lives because they do feel safe and protected.

I have witnessed an outpouring of praise on behalf of a new friend and church family member.

I have felt a tangible love as friends have gone on with their own lives and yet still included me.

I have sent encouraging words and sentiments to people I thought would like to know someone cares.

I have listened to God, Himself, tell me He is with me.

Self-doubt equals lack of peace and I doubt that I can live in this post-cancer world as productively and happily as I did in the “novelty of cancer” world. Yes, God is with me, still…and He has plans for me, I know.

The question I pose is this: How can I go on with my life knowing there is a peace out there that only lives in my dying?

Perhaps I am a better cancer patient than cancer survivor…

People went out of their way to love me, protect me…

Old arguments mattered no more…

Tomorrow was not taken for granted and today was enjoyed, treasured…

Relationships were honest and forthright…

You mattered, I mattered, we mattered to each other…

Happy memories were made as easily as peanut butter sandwiches…

Kindness was palpable…

Time was my friend…

Time stood still…

I have been to the mountain top and I have seen the glory of the Lord…and then I tumbled down the mountain’s side and stared at the endless sky and wondered if it was all a dream…