The appointment time was 9am. I remember this distinctly because at 8:30, I had not even thought of my appointment. Ah, yes. Chemo-Brain in action again. So, I high-tailed it out of work and went to my appointment. I was late. I am rarely late. My husband is late to everything…in fact, he will be late to his own funeral. I, however, will be on time for mine. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate being late.
So, I was late, but it did not seem to have mattered much. Dr. Stewart came in and seemed unaffected by my ten minutes so I didn’t bother to apologize. Certainly did not want to get off on the wrong foot with the guy in charge of my reconstruction, ya know? Anyway, Dr. Stewart was extremely professional and pleasant and shorter than me. Most people are. He reminded me of George W. and Harrison Ford…like a half ‘n half kind of deal. It worked. I liked him. Well, until he said “OK, let’s get some photos”, and then I was like “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaht?!?!?!?!?!?!?”
That’s right boys and girls, I, the photographer, had to have her picture not only taken, but taken naked. Well, I had my panties on, but they had to be rolled down. In other words, the only thing covered were my pubes. LOL Nice. The nurse took pictures of me front ways, sideways, the other sideways and then all the same poses again with arms up. Get this. The doctor needed to know how much FAT he has to work with. Hysterical. Never been a problem for me to have ample supply. Now, I weigh less than I have since pre-pregnancy days and the amount of my fat actually decides my new cup sizes. Weird.
Dr. Stewart came back into the exam room after my pictures were taken and sat down to discuss what would be first on our agenda. Considering my “old school” gallbladder surgery which cut diagonally across my stomach, I am yet again, a “unique case”. Ugh. Would not be such a big deal if we weren’t working on a bilateral mastectomy, but, of course, we are. Anything to remain a medical anomaly, you know.
So, we sat down and Dr. Stewart explained a few things…
There are no guarantees.
The tissue could be re-routed and then die, leaving nothing, again.
One side could take…one may not.
The blood vessels may look good on the ultrasound but may not be good enough once he cuts me open thus aborting the whole surgery.
There will be multiple “events” before I am “complete”. Hmmmmmmm.
And the one that stuck in my head the longest…
You will be my only surgery for the day. We will begin first thing in the morning and will not be finished until the evening. You will remain in ICU for at least three days.
What?
Actually, I didn’t say “what”, at all. I was at this appointment by myself and I don’t think to ask questions while I am there. If I had been thinking, though, I would have asked if he meant to say ICU, as in Intensive Care Unit or if he meant to say I would be in a regular, semi-private room with nurses coming in to check on me as soon as I fall asleep. Yeah…that’s what I would have asked…
Apparently, this whole reconstruction thing is a huge deal to the body. The blood return and flow is of utmost importance and must be monitored, well, intensively. Seems like we are asking an awful lot of my blood vessels.
Worst case scenario…the tissue does not “take” and the surgery is all for nothing. Another pretty bad deal would be if my blood vessels are too “risky” and the surgery is called off altogether. Yet another crappy scenario would be if the very first test shows my blood vessels to be inadequate for surgery…or would it? I don’t even know anymore.
Do I want reconstruction? Do I feel like I need reconstruction? Do I feel obligated to have reconstruction? If I were older, would I bother with reconstruction? Is this reconstruction for me or for everyone else? No one can tell there is anything “wrong” or “missing” from me when I am in full gear with my prosthetics annnnnnnnnnnnnd I can pretend to be a buoy in the ocean, if I want to.
So, why all the bother? More tests, more sticks, more needles, more waiting, more surgeries, more recovery, more time off from work, more out of pocket expenses, more, more, more…
Why, why, why???
I don’t know. I went ahead and scheduled the super-duper-duplex-ultrasound for the 13th and then my follow-up with Dr. Stewart is the 21st. Long sigh. I guess we will just wait and see what this first test shows and go from there.
Honestly, I’m very tired just thinking about it…
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Wowzer Dowzers! I will be praying for you as you decide - this is where I wish we could have writing on the wall from God!
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Imagine that...a photographer who doesn't want her picture taken;-)Recent experience tells me that NO photographer wants it. Perhaps that is why we learn how to manipulate the camera to begin with...to create an EXCUSE!
ReplyDeleteMy aunt had reconstruction in her early 70s. THAT I totally did not understand, but then, it wasn't me. Like you, I would question doing it now, and only you can make that decision.
Pandora; you will know what the right decision is once you have the facts before you. What do you want? Do it for nobody but yourself....What makes YOU happy is all that matters.
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