Would I do things differently if I knew no one would judge me? Would you? What would it be?
A relationship?
Venturing into starting your own business?
Would you call that one person you want to talk to so badly?
Would you wear different clothes?
Watch (or admit to watching) different tv shows?
Would you engage in some other activities?
What kinds of things would you say to others?
To your family?
To your co-workers?
To your friends?
Would you be honest with your words or would you candycoat them?
Do we choose our words carefully when they may hurt to protect the person hearing them or ourselves?
How much of your real self is invested in any given relationship?
Do we have more hidden secrets than we have exposed truths?
Does everyone have one thing they silently obsess over but cannot/will not act on?
Are our decisions to say, do, or act based on being judged by others or judged by God?
Since we know God will forgive us, do we take our chances and do things we know are “wrong” and bet our last dollar that we have time to make amends with God before we die?
Who am I?
Who am I not, is the easier question. I am not who you think I am…
Let that sink in, because it is true.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Ordinary Life...Amazing
I saw a lady on the side of the road this morning as I drove into work. She had a camera and was taking a picture of something across the road. It could have been the humongous Big Boy statue or the slow-motion pile up of elderly people in their Cadillacs and town cars pouring into the physician’s practice. I looked around trying to figure out what she was so moved by as to warrant taking a picture. Then I noticed a billboard in her range of view… It said: “Ordinary life. Amazing.”
Not sure if it was a billboard for some new wing at the baby hospital or for a rehab kind of place, but the words stuck in my head all the way to work. What did it mean…”ordinary life…amazing”?
Is that what I have? An ordinary life? An ordinary life that is…amazing?
I don’t know. I don’t if that is what I have or even if that is what I want to have. Don’t we get into trouble when we seek out things that extend past the scope of “ordinary”? For example, as teenagers, didn’t we drive fast and sneak into movies because going the speed limit and watching a PG-13 just didn’t “do” it for us anymore? And what about as adults? Don’t we seek out people and places that take us away from the ordinary? What about relationships? Are we not drawn to those relationships that give us a sense of excitement? Those relationships that remove us from the norm and so-called “boring” home life we exist within? Don’t you know people who go to work just to get away from their home life? I do…and they aren’t workaholics, they just don’t want to be at home with their family. Of course, you could narrow the margin down to them not wanting to be at home with their wife/children/chores/honeydo list/bills to be paid, etc.
"This is all there is??? Grow up, get a job, go to work for forty-some years, and die????"
I’ve been there. I have sought that rush you get from doing something you aren’t supposed to do…being somewhere you shouldn’t be… feeling a way you shouldn’t feel. Was it exciting? Sometimes. Was it boring? Actually, it did get boring…which says to me that EVERYTHING outside of ordinary eventually becomes boring. It is merely the novelty wearing off. Then, we look elsewhere for more excitement. We look to other people to help us not feel so bored and alone. We search in desperation almost, for that kind of feeling you got as a teenager when your boyfriend or girlfriend would drive by your house and honk their horn. That tingling in your tummy…that wave of nerves-on-end. We approach middle age and think the numbers MUST be skewed because we feel so young… When did middle age hit around 40, anyway? When I was a teenager, I thought middle age was 40, which was half of 80. Now that I am in my forties, I think middle age must be closer to 60. Yes! We shall live to be 120!! That’s better.
Anyway, an ordinary life that is amazing. It sounds like a conundrum to me. You either have an ordinary life or an amazing one. You are either covered in the mundane and monotonous or you awake every morning waiting for nothing, because everything is waiting for you…amazing you. How is it possible to have an ordinary life that is amazing?
Albert Einstein. Amazing life? Yes. Ordinary life? No. For Pete’s sake, he was Jewish and attended Catholic school. LOL Definitely not an ordinary life. Yet his contributions to society were amazing.
Cathy Klein. Amazing life? No. Ordinary life? Yes. I went to school with her in junior high and high school. Average student. Average grades. Got married after a year in community college. Two kids. Now divorced and spends time in the local bar on Saturday nights. Works as a data entry clerk.
What separated these two? Genetics? Intelligence? Drive? Was one simply happy with an “ordinary life” and never sought out anything “amazing”? Was one driven to accomplish amazing things and to leave their mark in history despite wanting an ordinary life? Again, I have no idea.
Here is what I do know…
Life is what you make it. You can try it on your own or you can kneel before our Creator and ask Him to guide and direct you. You can ask for forgiveness of sin and receive it from the only One who has the authority to wash you white as snow.
You can convince yourself that just one person cannot make a difference. However, one person can make a difference…it’s a matter of thinking about making one and making one.
People wander the earth, generation to generation, seeking the meaning of life. My guess is, questions about the meaning of life surface around age forty. LOL We ask ourselves “is this all there is?” We get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, veg out in front of the tv watching fake people with fake lives, then go to bed. We don’t interact with our families, we don’t turn off the tv. We have televisions in every room…but few conversations. People would rather watch a television show about nothing instead of have a conversation with the people they supposedly treasure the most. THAT, my friends is ordinary by today’s standards in the American household…and THAT is not for me.
I do not watch tv. I do not choose activities that leave my family wondering if I even like them, much less love them. I refuse to watch anything that would embarrass me if Jesus came in while I was watching it…which, of course, limits my viewing because most things on tv would be embarrassing. I don’t go to places I would not want my children to know I went. Again, this limits the potential places I will frequent. I refuse to watch movies that glorify violence or man’s inhumanity to man. What? That only leaves chick flicks. Ok. Chick flicks it is, then. I believe if you input junk, then you are bound to output junk. Seems to me a very limited, boring, ordinary life, yes? Yet, I believe my life is amazing…but why?
I have not cured cancer or even the common cold.
No one wants my autograph.
I do not make millions of dollars to play a sport.
I do not grace the cover of any magazines for beauty, popularity, or health.
I am not of royal descent.
I own nothing of extreme, material value.
I don’t know any more than anyone else.
I don’t have throngs of followers waiting for my next movie.
I am not a musical prodigy.
And yet, I have an amazing life…because it is ordinary.
Whoever subscribes to the ideology of taking time to smell the flowers, is a genius. Whoever accepts the notion that every path has a puddle and whoever remembers that we cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can alter our sails, is brilliant, as well.
You see, I have learned that for me to have an amazing life, I just had to embrace the ordinary and make it amazing. My life is not boring or lifeless, instead it is full of vigor and vitality. I dare say, even after twenty years, I still get butterflies when I see Big Daddy in his uniform or when we run into each other unexpectedly. I love the sound of him coming in the door at home. Knowing my family is safe, healthy, and happy fills my soul. I long ago stopped searching for things to make me happy for they were with me all the time…just like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, whose life was ordinarily amazing, just like mine.
So, maybe that lady this morning was taking a picture of the billboard saying “Ordinary life. Amazing.” Maybe she has just been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness or maybe she just decided that going home after work was more beneficial to her than pretending to work late. Maybe she decided to love someone more than herself. Maybe she just buried her mother…or father…or brother…and is thankful for the time she has left....determined to use it and not waste it. Maybe she knows she does not possess the magic potion to cure anything or that winning lottery ticket. Maybe she woke up this morning just happy for another day to try harder at being better than she was yesterday. Maybe she realized we are all “Dorothy” and that Dorothy ended up with the most amazing shoes on her ordinary feet.
Maybe, just maybe…
Not sure if it was a billboard for some new wing at the baby hospital or for a rehab kind of place, but the words stuck in my head all the way to work. What did it mean…”ordinary life…amazing”?
Is that what I have? An ordinary life? An ordinary life that is…amazing?
I don’t know. I don’t if that is what I have or even if that is what I want to have. Don’t we get into trouble when we seek out things that extend past the scope of “ordinary”? For example, as teenagers, didn’t we drive fast and sneak into movies because going the speed limit and watching a PG-13 just didn’t “do” it for us anymore? And what about as adults? Don’t we seek out people and places that take us away from the ordinary? What about relationships? Are we not drawn to those relationships that give us a sense of excitement? Those relationships that remove us from the norm and so-called “boring” home life we exist within? Don’t you know people who go to work just to get away from their home life? I do…and they aren’t workaholics, they just don’t want to be at home with their family. Of course, you could narrow the margin down to them not wanting to be at home with their wife/children/chores/honeydo list/bills to be paid, etc.
"This is all there is??? Grow up, get a job, go to work for forty-some years, and die????"
I’ve been there. I have sought that rush you get from doing something you aren’t supposed to do…being somewhere you shouldn’t be… feeling a way you shouldn’t feel. Was it exciting? Sometimes. Was it boring? Actually, it did get boring…which says to me that EVERYTHING outside of ordinary eventually becomes boring. It is merely the novelty wearing off. Then, we look elsewhere for more excitement. We look to other people to help us not feel so bored and alone. We search in desperation almost, for that kind of feeling you got as a teenager when your boyfriend or girlfriend would drive by your house and honk their horn. That tingling in your tummy…that wave of nerves-on-end. We approach middle age and think the numbers MUST be skewed because we feel so young… When did middle age hit around 40, anyway? When I was a teenager, I thought middle age was 40, which was half of 80. Now that I am in my forties, I think middle age must be closer to 60. Yes! We shall live to be 120!! That’s better.
Anyway, an ordinary life that is amazing. It sounds like a conundrum to me. You either have an ordinary life or an amazing one. You are either covered in the mundane and monotonous or you awake every morning waiting for nothing, because everything is waiting for you…amazing you. How is it possible to have an ordinary life that is amazing?
Albert Einstein. Amazing life? Yes. Ordinary life? No. For Pete’s sake, he was Jewish and attended Catholic school. LOL Definitely not an ordinary life. Yet his contributions to society were amazing.
Cathy Klein. Amazing life? No. Ordinary life? Yes. I went to school with her in junior high and high school. Average student. Average grades. Got married after a year in community college. Two kids. Now divorced and spends time in the local bar on Saturday nights. Works as a data entry clerk.
What separated these two? Genetics? Intelligence? Drive? Was one simply happy with an “ordinary life” and never sought out anything “amazing”? Was one driven to accomplish amazing things and to leave their mark in history despite wanting an ordinary life? Again, I have no idea.
Here is what I do know…
Life is what you make it. You can try it on your own or you can kneel before our Creator and ask Him to guide and direct you. You can ask for forgiveness of sin and receive it from the only One who has the authority to wash you white as snow.
You can convince yourself that just one person cannot make a difference. However, one person can make a difference…it’s a matter of thinking about making one and making one.
People wander the earth, generation to generation, seeking the meaning of life. My guess is, questions about the meaning of life surface around age forty. LOL We ask ourselves “is this all there is?” We get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, veg out in front of the tv watching fake people with fake lives, then go to bed. We don’t interact with our families, we don’t turn off the tv. We have televisions in every room…but few conversations. People would rather watch a television show about nothing instead of have a conversation with the people they supposedly treasure the most. THAT, my friends is ordinary by today’s standards in the American household…and THAT is not for me.
I do not watch tv. I do not choose activities that leave my family wondering if I even like them, much less love them. I refuse to watch anything that would embarrass me if Jesus came in while I was watching it…which, of course, limits my viewing because most things on tv would be embarrassing. I don’t go to places I would not want my children to know I went. Again, this limits the potential places I will frequent. I refuse to watch movies that glorify violence or man’s inhumanity to man. What? That only leaves chick flicks. Ok. Chick flicks it is, then. I believe if you input junk, then you are bound to output junk. Seems to me a very limited, boring, ordinary life, yes? Yet, I believe my life is amazing…but why?
I have not cured cancer or even the common cold.
No one wants my autograph.
I do not make millions of dollars to play a sport.
I do not grace the cover of any magazines for beauty, popularity, or health.
I am not of royal descent.
I own nothing of extreme, material value.
I don’t know any more than anyone else.
I don’t have throngs of followers waiting for my next movie.
I am not a musical prodigy.
And yet, I have an amazing life…because it is ordinary.
Whoever subscribes to the ideology of taking time to smell the flowers, is a genius. Whoever accepts the notion that every path has a puddle and whoever remembers that we cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can alter our sails, is brilliant, as well.
You see, I have learned that for me to have an amazing life, I just had to embrace the ordinary and make it amazing. My life is not boring or lifeless, instead it is full of vigor and vitality. I dare say, even after twenty years, I still get butterflies when I see Big Daddy in his uniform or when we run into each other unexpectedly. I love the sound of him coming in the door at home. Knowing my family is safe, healthy, and happy fills my soul. I long ago stopped searching for things to make me happy for they were with me all the time…just like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, whose life was ordinarily amazing, just like mine.
So, maybe that lady this morning was taking a picture of the billboard saying “Ordinary life. Amazing.” Maybe she has just been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness or maybe she just decided that going home after work was more beneficial to her than pretending to work late. Maybe she decided to love someone more than herself. Maybe she just buried her mother…or father…or brother…and is thankful for the time she has left....determined to use it and not waste it. Maybe she knows she does not possess the magic potion to cure anything or that winning lottery ticket. Maybe she woke up this morning just happy for another day to try harder at being better than she was yesterday. Maybe she realized we are all “Dorothy” and that Dorothy ended up with the most amazing shoes on her ordinary feet.
Maybe, just maybe…
Saturday, January 23, 2010
What a Day!
Friday morning found Big Daddy and I at the lab for blood work, then to see Dr. Horn for results and his thoughts on where we were. As Dr. Horn read off my numbers from the lab, he smiled. Apparently, my body continues to rebound better after each session of chemo, now that we have gone to receiving only Herceptin. YAY!!! Dr. Horn said my blood levels and such were good enough for me to begin radiation. An appointment was made for us to meet with Dr. Amin to set up our schedule. Seems like one more thing is about to be under our belt in this fight.
After leaving Dr. Horn, we went on to the chemo clinic and got hooked up. I was pretty darn excited to visit the snack cart because there was a new addition...NEKOTS!!! You know those crispy, sweet cookies with real peanut butter? Yummmmm! I took two packs! LOL Big Daddy said that was a bit much, but when he saw how happy I was to have Nekots, he knew another pack of them later on would make me happy, too...and all was well.
Chemo went fine and we left. My appointments only take a couple of hours now, as opposed to the five and six hours we used to be there. I still have to take a Benadryl to combat nausea, so I was sleepy within a few minutes and my tummy was full of Nekots, but I was too excited to sleep. Knowing my numbers were getting better and better just made me giddy.
Big Daddy and I talked while the silvery, white liquid dripped into my veins and then we left. We came straight home and took a nap. It was some of the best sleep I have ever had.
I woke up a bit later and soon the kids came home from school. I worked on my business website for h-o-u-r-s and had such a good time. It was 2am before I went to bed! I just couldn't stop myself. I love building my own website and showcasing my photos. Makes me feel like I am really going to do this!! I also love looking at the photos I have taken. I get better and better...partly because of better equipment and partly because I am simply improving in technique and style. It reminds me of this cancer journey...it, too, gets better and better. *smile*
One of the sweetest and most dedicated Christian friends I have is coming to visit me. Kimmie and I met in Germany while our husbands served tours there. Her story is an amazing one and I am so terribly excited to see her. As if my day couldn't get any better, Kimmie sent me an email with her travel itinerary showing her arrival in a few weeks. I am so blessed!! Her husband had bought her a Delta ticket for Christmas so she could come and visit. How wonderful to have a visit to you be part of someone's Christmas present...and the recipient is happy! LOL (I am sure there have been Delta vouchers given as gifts that were met with angst..."Wow. I get to go see your cousin's-mother's-uncle. Yay, me.")
What a day, indeed!! HAPPY! HAPPY!
Had hoped to take some outdoor shots this morning however, the weatherman lied to me yet again and where he promised sun, I only see fog and rainy mist. At this point, I believe the weather forecasters huddle around a Magic 8 Ball.
It will still be a great day because I will work on my website and then off to have a late lunch with dear friends. Big Daddy works tonight, so we won't be able to be gone long which translates into me getting back here and having a blast as we move closer to the launch of my website. I hope all of you check it out when it is ready...so far, I really love how it looks and how it is coming together. I hope you will, too!
So, Friday proved to be a wonderful day. Thanks, God.
After leaving Dr. Horn, we went on to the chemo clinic and got hooked up. I was pretty darn excited to visit the snack cart because there was a new addition...NEKOTS!!! You know those crispy, sweet cookies with real peanut butter? Yummmmm! I took two packs! LOL Big Daddy said that was a bit much, but when he saw how happy I was to have Nekots, he knew another pack of them later on would make me happy, too...and all was well.
Chemo went fine and we left. My appointments only take a couple of hours now, as opposed to the five and six hours we used to be there. I still have to take a Benadryl to combat nausea, so I was sleepy within a few minutes and my tummy was full of Nekots, but I was too excited to sleep. Knowing my numbers were getting better and better just made me giddy.
Big Daddy and I talked while the silvery, white liquid dripped into my veins and then we left. We came straight home and took a nap. It was some of the best sleep I have ever had.
I woke up a bit later and soon the kids came home from school. I worked on my business website for h-o-u-r-s and had such a good time. It was 2am before I went to bed! I just couldn't stop myself. I love building my own website and showcasing my photos. Makes me feel like I am really going to do this!! I also love looking at the photos I have taken. I get better and better...partly because of better equipment and partly because I am simply improving in technique and style. It reminds me of this cancer journey...it, too, gets better and better. *smile*
One of the sweetest and most dedicated Christian friends I have is coming to visit me. Kimmie and I met in Germany while our husbands served tours there. Her story is an amazing one and I am so terribly excited to see her. As if my day couldn't get any better, Kimmie sent me an email with her travel itinerary showing her arrival in a few weeks. I am so blessed!! Her husband had bought her a Delta ticket for Christmas so she could come and visit. How wonderful to have a visit to you be part of someone's Christmas present...and the recipient is happy! LOL (I am sure there have been Delta vouchers given as gifts that were met with angst..."Wow. I get to go see your cousin's-mother's-uncle. Yay, me.")
What a day, indeed!! HAPPY! HAPPY!
Had hoped to take some outdoor shots this morning however, the weatherman lied to me yet again and where he promised sun, I only see fog and rainy mist. At this point, I believe the weather forecasters huddle around a Magic 8 Ball.
It will still be a great day because I will work on my website and then off to have a late lunch with dear friends. Big Daddy works tonight, so we won't be able to be gone long which translates into me getting back here and having a blast as we move closer to the launch of my website. I hope all of you check it out when it is ready...so far, I really love how it looks and how it is coming together. I hope you will, too!
So, Friday proved to be a wonderful day. Thanks, God.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The New Normal
I am struggling. I have tried not to, but I am. The pre-me and post-me. Before I knew I had cancer and after the call came. The two "me's" are having trouble reconciling with one another and here "I" am, stuck in the middle. Aw, geez. That means there are three of me.
So, really, what am I supposed to do now? Who am I supposed to be? I have to go to work. I have to leave the house. I have to get dressed and make head wraps and cute hats look like the latest, vogue winter styles.
I don't see the doctor like I used to. I don't have appointments anymore, minus the chemo every three weeks. My hair is growing back and even my back has healed. I guess the novelty of my having cancer has worn off. Apparently, I am supposed to move forward and act "normal" from here on out.
Ok. What's normal?
Since I am not in doctor offices all the time, does that mean I am no longer sick?
Since I went back to work and everyone has become accustomed to how I look with my little scarves, etc., does that mean I am fine?
Is anyone concerned with the cancer coming back? Am I? How can I feel this good, this "normal" and think it will come back?
Oh, wait. I felt good and normal before the diagnosis. I guess I cannot rely on feeling good and normal, now can I?
I want to open my own photography studio and follow my dream. Wow. That's freakin' awesome. Um...but wait. What happens to our excellent insurance through my company? What about my 401K contributions from where I work? Let's not forget about stock options, too...My company has maintained stock price increases every single year. There is no "buy low" market for where I work. How many others can say that? I dare guess very few. How am I supposed to walk away from this? Big Daddy's company offers insurance and while it isn't great, it IS overly expensive. Sounds to me like following a dream is selfish and shallow.
Well, ok, but I don't want to be selfish and shallow. If I open my own studio, then we will go on Big Daddy's insurance and pay a lot more for less coverage. Is that the smart thing to do when you have cancer? Oh...never mind. My cancer will probably be considered a "pre-existing condition" and we won't be covered anyway.
The "new me" is not supposed to worry about trivial, petty things because the "new me" has been given a second chance at life...I am supposed to treasure every minute and make the most of life instead of being chained to the mundane chores and stressors of adulthood...
Well, the "old me" still has "old bills" to pay and new ones to come as I will be taking chemotherapy through October, have not even begun radiation, and I foresee some recontructive surgery in my future which will probably be classified as cosmetic, therefore, not covered.
Here's another thought. What if the cancer does come back? What if the cancer they took out was the tip of the iceberg and as soon as I complete my chemo and radiation, it comes back? Hey, it happens. I would be remiss to not think about it, wouldn't I? Who am I to think I am in remission? What if it comes back and I die the next time? What if I die and, because I left my job and incentives, I leave my family with tremendous financial burden? I don't want to do that!!!! I want to leave them with gloriously happy memories and sweet times they store up and treasure in their hearts, not bills.
I go to work and nobody mentions my cancer. We talk about this, that, and the other, but nobody even seems to remember that I was out for a long period of time with cancer. It makes it easy to be "normal" or at least, not appear to have cancer. I had mentioned my reservations and fears about returning to work of such great importance and being terrified to screw it up. Good call, actually. Today I made my boss swear twice because I had misunderstood the instructions on how to do something. There was a deadline and I missed it because the task was wrong. I let my boss down and I felt (still feel) terrible.
What do I do with those feelings? Blow them off because they suck the very lifeblood out of me or acknowledge them and try to make it up to my boss? You see, everywhere I turn the "old me" and the "new me" struggle.
"New me" says "she is upset but she will be fine because it was fixed in time for the meeting...don't sweat the small stuff".
"Old me" says "OH NO!!!! I really let her down and she will never trust me again to do anything difficult. I must make this right!! I shall plant a garden outside of her window so she can watch the vegetation grow and produce as spring draws near"...or something equally stupid and impossible to achieve. All this to prove I am not incompetent but, if I am incompetent, I am still a very nice person...
Here's the thing, my boss was fine in her meeting. She cut and pasted something from somewhere else and everything was fine. Yes, I let her down by misunderstanding the information and I hated that, but I have to say, when I asked three other people to help me, no one could. There was not a lot I could do short of going to my boss and proving I am an idiot...and I wasn't going to do that. Old me, new me, same me...always hate looking stupid.
Being stressed used to mean that I was not working enough unpaid overtime hours...now, it does not. These days being stressed comes from having funny numbers come back on my bloodwork or one of our children not answering their phone or trying to name my business. Maybe I can't name my business because it is never going to happen. Maybe I can't decide on a name because somewhere deep inside a voice is saying "the cancer is coming back..." Talk about stress. Those kind of thoughts are my "new normal".
Sure enough, as soon as I went back to work, "old me" came out of hiding and slid right into the old routine like a worn leather glove that you have molded perfectly to your hand over the past few years. "New me" was trying to poke her head out and give good advice here and there, but the realities weighed in more heavily than that little, "new me" voice ever could.
So, here we are...and all I know for sure is that when I was off from work and at home with Big Daddy and the kids, I felt safe, protected, wanted, and cured...
Out in the real world, with real people with their own lives, I just don't feel that way...and all three of "me" want to come home.
So, really, what am I supposed to do now? Who am I supposed to be? I have to go to work. I have to leave the house. I have to get dressed and make head wraps and cute hats look like the latest, vogue winter styles.
I don't see the doctor like I used to. I don't have appointments anymore, minus the chemo every three weeks. My hair is growing back and even my back has healed. I guess the novelty of my having cancer has worn off. Apparently, I am supposed to move forward and act "normal" from here on out.
Ok. What's normal?
Since I am not in doctor offices all the time, does that mean I am no longer sick?
Since I went back to work and everyone has become accustomed to how I look with my little scarves, etc., does that mean I am fine?
Is anyone concerned with the cancer coming back? Am I? How can I feel this good, this "normal" and think it will come back?
Oh, wait. I felt good and normal before the diagnosis. I guess I cannot rely on feeling good and normal, now can I?
I want to open my own photography studio and follow my dream. Wow. That's freakin' awesome. Um...but wait. What happens to our excellent insurance through my company? What about my 401K contributions from where I work? Let's not forget about stock options, too...My company has maintained stock price increases every single year. There is no "buy low" market for where I work. How many others can say that? I dare guess very few. How am I supposed to walk away from this? Big Daddy's company offers insurance and while it isn't great, it IS overly expensive. Sounds to me like following a dream is selfish and shallow.
Well, ok, but I don't want to be selfish and shallow. If I open my own studio, then we will go on Big Daddy's insurance and pay a lot more for less coverage. Is that the smart thing to do when you have cancer? Oh...never mind. My cancer will probably be considered a "pre-existing condition" and we won't be covered anyway.
The "new me" is not supposed to worry about trivial, petty things because the "new me" has been given a second chance at life...I am supposed to treasure every minute and make the most of life instead of being chained to the mundane chores and stressors of adulthood...
Well, the "old me" still has "old bills" to pay and new ones to come as I will be taking chemotherapy through October, have not even begun radiation, and I foresee some recontructive surgery in my future which will probably be classified as cosmetic, therefore, not covered.
Here's another thought. What if the cancer does come back? What if the cancer they took out was the tip of the iceberg and as soon as I complete my chemo and radiation, it comes back? Hey, it happens. I would be remiss to not think about it, wouldn't I? Who am I to think I am in remission? What if it comes back and I die the next time? What if I die and, because I left my job and incentives, I leave my family with tremendous financial burden? I don't want to do that!!!! I want to leave them with gloriously happy memories and sweet times they store up and treasure in their hearts, not bills.
I go to work and nobody mentions my cancer. We talk about this, that, and the other, but nobody even seems to remember that I was out for a long period of time with cancer. It makes it easy to be "normal" or at least, not appear to have cancer. I had mentioned my reservations and fears about returning to work of such great importance and being terrified to screw it up. Good call, actually. Today I made my boss swear twice because I had misunderstood the instructions on how to do something. There was a deadline and I missed it because the task was wrong. I let my boss down and I felt (still feel) terrible.
What do I do with those feelings? Blow them off because they suck the very lifeblood out of me or acknowledge them and try to make it up to my boss? You see, everywhere I turn the "old me" and the "new me" struggle.
"New me" says "she is upset but she will be fine because it was fixed in time for the meeting...don't sweat the small stuff".
"Old me" says "OH NO!!!! I really let her down and she will never trust me again to do anything difficult. I must make this right!! I shall plant a garden outside of her window so she can watch the vegetation grow and produce as spring draws near"...or something equally stupid and impossible to achieve. All this to prove I am not incompetent but, if I am incompetent, I am still a very nice person...
Here's the thing, my boss was fine in her meeting. She cut and pasted something from somewhere else and everything was fine. Yes, I let her down by misunderstanding the information and I hated that, but I have to say, when I asked three other people to help me, no one could. There was not a lot I could do short of going to my boss and proving I am an idiot...and I wasn't going to do that. Old me, new me, same me...always hate looking stupid.
Being stressed used to mean that I was not working enough unpaid overtime hours...now, it does not. These days being stressed comes from having funny numbers come back on my bloodwork or one of our children not answering their phone or trying to name my business. Maybe I can't name my business because it is never going to happen. Maybe I can't decide on a name because somewhere deep inside a voice is saying "the cancer is coming back..." Talk about stress. Those kind of thoughts are my "new normal".
Sure enough, as soon as I went back to work, "old me" came out of hiding and slid right into the old routine like a worn leather glove that you have molded perfectly to your hand over the past few years. "New me" was trying to poke her head out and give good advice here and there, but the realities weighed in more heavily than that little, "new me" voice ever could.
So, here we are...and all I know for sure is that when I was off from work and at home with Big Daddy and the kids, I felt safe, protected, wanted, and cured...
Out in the real world, with real people with their own lives, I just don't feel that way...and all three of "me" want to come home.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Fear VS Hope
Big Daddy told me he ran into one of our friends, Debbie, while he was out and about submitting bids. They exchanged the niceties and Debbie asked how I was doing. Big Daddy went on to tell her how well I was doing and that I had even gone back to work. Debbie was pleased and glad for my progress. They talked a bit more and Debbie leaned in, as if to tell Big Daddy a secret.
“Dr. Jason Harris is a friend of mine,” Debbie said.
“Oh, we think he is wonderful. He really impressed us and Pandora trusted him right away. It was a huge deal finding a surgeon for this job and we both just knew, he was the right guy after our first meeting with him.”
“Oh, yes, Jason is a magnificent surgeon and has an incredible sense of comfort that draws people in. I saw him the other day and mentioned your wife. I told him about her blog and how well she seems to be doing, judging by her writings.”
“Yes, I think she is doing very well, even with going back to work, she seems determined to win.”
“As Jason and I were talking about your wife he confided in me something you may find interesting.”
“Really? What was that?”
“Jason told me that your wife was only the second patient he had ever cried over. That she was just the kind of person you love and care for and want good things for, not bad, and certainly not cancer. ”
“Yes, she is.”
And with that, the conversation trailed off and Big Daddy and Debbie said goodbye and headed on their way.
Big Daddy told me this because he wanted me to know that I mattered, even to strangers…even to physicians, surgeons, nurses, and medical staff that see people with cancer every day, week after week, year after year. Big Daddy wanted me to know that I wasn’t always just a number or some statistic, that I did matter and that people, even people who didn’t know me, cared.
What had brought this up?
Perhaps it was the mental breakdown brought on by the insurance adjuster who denied my chemotherapy drugs.
Perhaps it was the way I have to walk through clouds of cigarette smoke to get inside a restaurant that is “non smoking”.
Perhaps it was the onslaught of bills that show up in our mailbox every, single day.
Maybe it was the way that I sit and worry and sometimes even tear up, at the notion that I cannot function in my job because the dots just don’t connect anymore.
Maybe it was because, despite our best efforts, our lives have resumed to a series of schedules, appointments, deadlines, and obligations which leave little time for what we have enjoyed the past six months.
Perhaps he picked up on the fact that I, while excited and eager, am scared to begin my own business. What if it turns out I am not a great photographer? What if no one trusts me to capture the most memorable times of their lives? What if I can’t be taught in these upcoming classes because of the “chemo brain”? What if I can’t be taught because I am not smart enough in general?
Perhaps it was because he could sense how much more afraid I am now than I ever was before about what is to come… Will the cancer return? Will I live to see our grandchildren? Will it matter to make plans? Will I leave a mark on the world like I had hoped? Will I inspire anyone, anyone to be, to do, or to try? Will I be remembered for who I was and what I stood for?
I don’t know the answers to any of those questions…not in a realistic kind of way. I also know that several of you will feel compelled to write or post comments saying I can do it or I am smart. That isn’t what I am looking for at all, so please, don’t feel obligated. I may sound depressed, but I am really not…just entertaining a list of “what if’s”. Does anyone else out there question their mortality? Their contributions? Their legacy?
I do realize the only fears I have are the ones I created for myself and are easily remedied with a prayer or a conversation with someone who loves me. Both reminders that I am not dead yet which stirs a constant and abiding hope, deep within me.
What I have found is that trusting and believing in God makes all things bearable…and that hope is the perfect antidote to fear.
"From the end of the earth, I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I". Psalm 61:2
“Dr. Jason Harris is a friend of mine,” Debbie said.
“Oh, we think he is wonderful. He really impressed us and Pandora trusted him right away. It was a huge deal finding a surgeon for this job and we both just knew, he was the right guy after our first meeting with him.”
“Oh, yes, Jason is a magnificent surgeon and has an incredible sense of comfort that draws people in. I saw him the other day and mentioned your wife. I told him about her blog and how well she seems to be doing, judging by her writings.”
“Yes, I think she is doing very well, even with going back to work, she seems determined to win.”
“As Jason and I were talking about your wife he confided in me something you may find interesting.”
“Really? What was that?”
“Jason told me that your wife was only the second patient he had ever cried over. That she was just the kind of person you love and care for and want good things for, not bad, and certainly not cancer. ”
“Yes, she is.”
And with that, the conversation trailed off and Big Daddy and Debbie said goodbye and headed on their way.
Big Daddy told me this because he wanted me to know that I mattered, even to strangers…even to physicians, surgeons, nurses, and medical staff that see people with cancer every day, week after week, year after year. Big Daddy wanted me to know that I wasn’t always just a number or some statistic, that I did matter and that people, even people who didn’t know me, cared.
What had brought this up?
Perhaps it was the mental breakdown brought on by the insurance adjuster who denied my chemotherapy drugs.
Perhaps it was the way I have to walk through clouds of cigarette smoke to get inside a restaurant that is “non smoking”.
Perhaps it was the onslaught of bills that show up in our mailbox every, single day.
Maybe it was the way that I sit and worry and sometimes even tear up, at the notion that I cannot function in my job because the dots just don’t connect anymore.
Maybe it was because, despite our best efforts, our lives have resumed to a series of schedules, appointments, deadlines, and obligations which leave little time for what we have enjoyed the past six months.
Perhaps he picked up on the fact that I, while excited and eager, am scared to begin my own business. What if it turns out I am not a great photographer? What if no one trusts me to capture the most memorable times of their lives? What if I can’t be taught in these upcoming classes because of the “chemo brain”? What if I can’t be taught because I am not smart enough in general?
Perhaps it was because he could sense how much more afraid I am now than I ever was before about what is to come… Will the cancer return? Will I live to see our grandchildren? Will it matter to make plans? Will I leave a mark on the world like I had hoped? Will I inspire anyone, anyone to be, to do, or to try? Will I be remembered for who I was and what I stood for?
I don’t know the answers to any of those questions…not in a realistic kind of way. I also know that several of you will feel compelled to write or post comments saying I can do it or I am smart. That isn’t what I am looking for at all, so please, don’t feel obligated. I may sound depressed, but I am really not…just entertaining a list of “what if’s”. Does anyone else out there question their mortality? Their contributions? Their legacy?
I do realize the only fears I have are the ones I created for myself and are easily remedied with a prayer or a conversation with someone who loves me. Both reminders that I am not dead yet which stirs a constant and abiding hope, deep within me.
What I have found is that trusting and believing in God makes all things bearable…and that hope is the perfect antidote to fear.
"From the end of the earth, I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I". Psalm 61:2
Thank you!!
First and foremost, thank you all so very much for the encouraging words about following my dream as a photographer. It has taken me a few days to read through all the personal emails I received, so my apologies for taking so long to post. Thanks, again, for those who posted to the blog, as well. Your words were kindhearted and inspiring to me. I thank you, humbly.
Another reason I have been a few days in posting is because I am so incredibly tired. Being back to work is taking a toll physically…and I dare say mentally, as well. As I prepared for my return to work, I was more concerned about not being able to understand/comprehend/process the delicate and complicated information I deal with on a daily basis. As it turns out, I was justified in that fear. While I cannot divulge my specific work details due to the security involved, I can tell you this: My work is hard and my brain no longer operates in “hard” mode. Anyway, I am at work by 6:30-7am, mentally drained by the first three requests I don’t understand, home by 4 to greet the kids from school, and in the bed by 4:30. Generally, I have dinner going while I take a nap, have Beautiful Daughter wake me up when it smells like dinner or like something is burning, then we eat dinner or something burned. After dinner, family time, until I fall over again around 10pm. Somewhere in there, I read your emails and posts…and I was touched.
As of today, I have four photo shoots under my belt and it really is all I think about. Ideas for this, ideas for that. My mind races about photography. My first class is Saturday in Louisville. It is specifically for my camera and how it works. This will be good because right now, anything I have figured out about my awesomely fantastical camera is by the grace of God. I cannot understand the owner’s manual. I believe there is truth in the owner’s manual, however, the words are so far above my head, that I cannot begin to comprehend them. I have to “do” something to grasp the concept. Reading about it with an occasional picture, does nothing for me. I feel rather incompetent and stupid, to be honest…and when you consider that I feel that way at work, the quota for “feeling like a moron” has not only been met, but exceeded, at any given point. Needless to say, I am excited about my class on Saturday.
As you recall, Lucy is my friend and breast cancer survivor. She is going on three years since her diagnosis. I asked Lucy how long it took her to regain her knowledge base and ability to remember, comprehend, and make sense of directions. She said she would let me know when it happens. Oh dear.
I do have good news, however…Girl Scouts are taking orders for cookies therefore I am only weeks away from Tagalongs, Samoas, and DoSiDos. God is good.
Another reason I have been a few days in posting is because I am so incredibly tired. Being back to work is taking a toll physically…and I dare say mentally, as well. As I prepared for my return to work, I was more concerned about not being able to understand/comprehend/process the delicate and complicated information I deal with on a daily basis. As it turns out, I was justified in that fear. While I cannot divulge my specific work details due to the security involved, I can tell you this: My work is hard and my brain no longer operates in “hard” mode. Anyway, I am at work by 6:30-7am, mentally drained by the first three requests I don’t understand, home by 4 to greet the kids from school, and in the bed by 4:30. Generally, I have dinner going while I take a nap, have Beautiful Daughter wake me up when it smells like dinner or like something is burning, then we eat dinner or something burned. After dinner, family time, until I fall over again around 10pm. Somewhere in there, I read your emails and posts…and I was touched.
As of today, I have four photo shoots under my belt and it really is all I think about. Ideas for this, ideas for that. My mind races about photography. My first class is Saturday in Louisville. It is specifically for my camera and how it works. This will be good because right now, anything I have figured out about my awesomely fantastical camera is by the grace of God. I cannot understand the owner’s manual. I believe there is truth in the owner’s manual, however, the words are so far above my head, that I cannot begin to comprehend them. I have to “do” something to grasp the concept. Reading about it with an occasional picture, does nothing for me. I feel rather incompetent and stupid, to be honest…and when you consider that I feel that way at work, the quota for “feeling like a moron” has not only been met, but exceeded, at any given point. Needless to say, I am excited about my class on Saturday.
As you recall, Lucy is my friend and breast cancer survivor. She is going on three years since her diagnosis. I asked Lucy how long it took her to regain her knowledge base and ability to remember, comprehend, and make sense of directions. She said she would let me know when it happens. Oh dear.
I do have good news, however…Girl Scouts are taking orders for cookies therefore I am only weeks away from Tagalongs, Samoas, and DoSiDos. God is good.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Your Turn...
You know how you are afraid to put something on paper or say it out loud because if you put it “out there”, then satan knows your plans and tries to squash them? Throws monkey wrenches in your way so you quit or give up? Well, that is where I am. I have something HUGE to tell you, however, I am cautious because I have had satan after me before…and I did not like it. In fact, I won’t even capitalize satan’s name. Yes, I know. What grade am I in?
Moving on…
Well, here is where we can separate those with faith and those with fear, I guess. I prefer to think of myself full of faith, although, I must confess, I operate out of fear sometimes, too. Being somewhat of a control freak, when I am not the one in control, I become fearful. For example, when our children were little and wanted to spend the night away from home, I would become fearful of what they may get into…because no one will ever look after my children like I do. Ever thought that way? Same thing in life…I want to know how things are going to turn out before I commit to them, especially high risk or “out of my comfort zone” choices…
God’s sense of humor. Allowing us to think we are in control. Hysterical.
Now, we make choices and decisions…and I dare say, a lot of times we make these decisions without prayerful thought, consideration, or the request for divine guidance. We just dive in, doing what we want, when we want, how we want, with whom we want. Then, like magic, things fall apart and we are left on our knees, begging God to take control and save us. Well, this decision to move forward with what I am about to tell you is new and different for me because I have sought Godly counsel and have prayed for His guidance. I am not in control but I am a servant to He who is.
(Seeking God before I jump into something…this is new and different for me!!!)
Let me build this up as much as possible…
I love photography.
I have played around with some photography the past couple of years. Had a nice camera but could not understand the user’s guide…so I just self-taught.
Big Daddy bought me the pièce de résistance of professional cameras, the Canon EOS 7D…with additional lenses!!!
As I cooed over my new camera, I knew my time to return to work was rapidly approaching, so I gave myself a deadline of one calendar year to make “X” number of dollars so that I can pursue photography as my primary source of income and leave the working world.
I was also given extensive classes on professional photography which I begin this month...
In the past two weeks since receiving my camera, I have been on two photo shoots. Through these photo shoots which I have not publicized on my photography website because I don’t have one ready yet, I have received requests to do 3 senior portraits, 1 dance costume portrait, 1 engagement shoot, and several family portraits.
I came back to work this past Monday, as in five days ago. On Day 2, I was told that the office I currently work for is being dissolved into positions at Ft. Bragg, NC within the next 18-24 months. Today, as in Day 5 back to work, I was told if I want to remain with this company, I need to begin applying for jobs within NOW or start packing up for Bragg.
I am not going to Ft. Bragg. Period. Our life with our children is here.
I ask Babs and Lucy if they feel I am being presumptuous in thinking that this is God’s way of guiding me down the right path, His path, and leading me to open my own photography studio and follow my passion.
And here I sit…contemplating what is real and true versus what I want to be real and true.
I have moved forward in so much as getting with a young artist and working on a logo. I have the name of my business. I have ideas galore. My mind races at the very thought of taking pictures, capturing moments, and living my dream. Not many people get to…but do many people try to?
So, let me hear from you. Based on the above information, what do YOU think? Now be careful because it is incredibly easy to encourage someone to follow their dreams when it does not interfere with paying your electric bill or buying your groceries, so please be honest with me. Is there room for another wannabe-photographer out there? Do you think it wise to even consider leaving the traditional, working-for-the-man job when you have teenagers heading toward college soon? Is it selfish and short-sighted to want to pursue this when I have a family to help care for? Is it a leap of faith or self-centered "me"-ness? Should my energy be spent in doing other things like saving the rainforests or going green or coming up with a way to stop global warming? (For the record, I am not that smart.) When you consider the economy and this proposition, do you feel compelled to run toward me screaming “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?!? CLOCK IN!!! CLOCK IN!!!”
Ok. You get the idea…now tell me your thoughts…and yes, without seeing any of my photos, which most of you have not, this is not easy...sorry, but let's just assume I am at least, pretty good. And thanks for the feedback.
Moving on…
Well, here is where we can separate those with faith and those with fear, I guess. I prefer to think of myself full of faith, although, I must confess, I operate out of fear sometimes, too. Being somewhat of a control freak, when I am not the one in control, I become fearful. For example, when our children were little and wanted to spend the night away from home, I would become fearful of what they may get into…because no one will ever look after my children like I do. Ever thought that way? Same thing in life…I want to know how things are going to turn out before I commit to them, especially high risk or “out of my comfort zone” choices…
God’s sense of humor. Allowing us to think we are in control. Hysterical.
Now, we make choices and decisions…and I dare say, a lot of times we make these decisions without prayerful thought, consideration, or the request for divine guidance. We just dive in, doing what we want, when we want, how we want, with whom we want. Then, like magic, things fall apart and we are left on our knees, begging God to take control and save us. Well, this decision to move forward with what I am about to tell you is new and different for me because I have sought Godly counsel and have prayed for His guidance. I am not in control but I am a servant to He who is.
(Seeking God before I jump into something…this is new and different for me!!!)
Let me build this up as much as possible…
I love photography.
I have played around with some photography the past couple of years. Had a nice camera but could not understand the user’s guide…so I just self-taught.
Big Daddy bought me the pièce de résistance of professional cameras, the Canon EOS 7D…with additional lenses!!!
As I cooed over my new camera, I knew my time to return to work was rapidly approaching, so I gave myself a deadline of one calendar year to make “X” number of dollars so that I can pursue photography as my primary source of income and leave the working world.
I was also given extensive classes on professional photography which I begin this month...
In the past two weeks since receiving my camera, I have been on two photo shoots. Through these photo shoots which I have not publicized on my photography website because I don’t have one ready yet, I have received requests to do 3 senior portraits, 1 dance costume portrait, 1 engagement shoot, and several family portraits.
I came back to work this past Monday, as in five days ago. On Day 2, I was told that the office I currently work for is being dissolved into positions at Ft. Bragg, NC within the next 18-24 months. Today, as in Day 5 back to work, I was told if I want to remain with this company, I need to begin applying for jobs within NOW or start packing up for Bragg.
I am not going to Ft. Bragg. Period. Our life with our children is here.
I ask Babs and Lucy if they feel I am being presumptuous in thinking that this is God’s way of guiding me down the right path, His path, and leading me to open my own photography studio and follow my passion.
And here I sit…contemplating what is real and true versus what I want to be real and true.
I have moved forward in so much as getting with a young artist and working on a logo. I have the name of my business. I have ideas galore. My mind races at the very thought of taking pictures, capturing moments, and living my dream. Not many people get to…but do many people try to?
So, let me hear from you. Based on the above information, what do YOU think? Now be careful because it is incredibly easy to encourage someone to follow their dreams when it does not interfere with paying your electric bill or buying your groceries, so please be honest with me. Is there room for another wannabe-photographer out there? Do you think it wise to even consider leaving the traditional, working-for-the-man job when you have teenagers heading toward college soon? Is it selfish and short-sighted to want to pursue this when I have a family to help care for? Is it a leap of faith or self-centered "me"-ness? Should my energy be spent in doing other things like saving the rainforests or going green or coming up with a way to stop global warming? (For the record, I am not that smart.) When you consider the economy and this proposition, do you feel compelled to run toward me screaming “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?!? CLOCK IN!!! CLOCK IN!!!”
Ok. You get the idea…now tell me your thoughts…and yes, without seeing any of my photos, which most of you have not, this is not easy...sorry, but let's just assume I am at least, pretty good. And thanks for the feedback.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
GO TO SCHOOL!!!
No, seriously. School is cancelled before the first flake falls?!?!?!? You must be joking. There is no way this is happening. Let me explain…
Where I live, we have weather forecasters who, how shall I put this…suck. They are rarely right and when it comes to snow, they are never right. So, for the past few days, the forecasters have been following a “big snowstorm” that will blanket us and we may all die. The stores have been crowded as people line up to get milk, bread, and other staples such as cigarettes, beer, and the National Enquirer. I am beside myself as I look outside and see nothing…NOTHING falling from the sky as the kids of Fayette County remain nestled in their warm beds dreaming of attending school through JUNE!!!
Allow me to explain, more…
Last year, the Superintendent of Snow called off school before it snowed a couple of times, based on the reports from the weather forecasters, mentioned above. Considering that school was cancelled so many times last year based on faithfully inaccurate predictions, our kids were in school up until June. This concerns me. Fool me once, shame on me…Fool me twice and you must be a weather forecaster.
Band Camp begins in July. School begins mid-August. Plans for vacation need to be solidified by March, at the latest. Well, guess what? It is very difficult to solidify plans for the summer when you don’t know when “summer” begins. ARGH!!! These people are killing me because if the kids go HALF a day, then the day does not have to be made up…so, if it is supposed to start snowing at 9, then surely to goodness, it will take a couple of hours at least before the snow is an issue, if it becomes an issue at all. Wait it out, feed them a sandwich, and then call it a day!!! GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!!
It isn’t that I don’t care about the safety of the kids on the buses. I do. Our kids ride the bus for Pete’s sake. I simply know that snow does not equal death. GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!
So, here I am…at work…looking outside and it is not snowing. The kids are home, in bed, not going to school, even for half a day. So, this day will have to be made up and it is the first week back to school. There is more “winter” coming and we will undoubtedly have viable reasons to cancel school, however, that day is not today. GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!
As you can tell, this stresses me out. I need the kids to be in school so that we can plan for our vacation this summer. It’s that simple. It isn’t about snow days or weather forecasters or even buying tabloid trash. Instead it is about having more than a three-week window for vacation when the summer is supposed to be 3 months long. It is about placing trust in someone that continually lies to you because you never learn your lesson and you continue to listen. It is about knowing that the snow never hits here. It hits near here, around here, and beside here, but never here-here. It is about school getting out on time so that the beaches may be covered up with families who have been planning their vacation since March.
Oh. Hold on a minute.
It’s snowing.
Nevermind.
Where I live, we have weather forecasters who, how shall I put this…suck. They are rarely right and when it comes to snow, they are never right. So, for the past few days, the forecasters have been following a “big snowstorm” that will blanket us and we may all die. The stores have been crowded as people line up to get milk, bread, and other staples such as cigarettes, beer, and the National Enquirer. I am beside myself as I look outside and see nothing…NOTHING falling from the sky as the kids of Fayette County remain nestled in their warm beds dreaming of attending school through JUNE!!!
Allow me to explain, more…
Last year, the Superintendent of Snow called off school before it snowed a couple of times, based on the reports from the weather forecasters, mentioned above. Considering that school was cancelled so many times last year based on faithfully inaccurate predictions, our kids were in school up until June. This concerns me. Fool me once, shame on me…Fool me twice and you must be a weather forecaster.
Band Camp begins in July. School begins mid-August. Plans for vacation need to be solidified by March, at the latest. Well, guess what? It is very difficult to solidify plans for the summer when you don’t know when “summer” begins. ARGH!!! These people are killing me because if the kids go HALF a day, then the day does not have to be made up…so, if it is supposed to start snowing at 9, then surely to goodness, it will take a couple of hours at least before the snow is an issue, if it becomes an issue at all. Wait it out, feed them a sandwich, and then call it a day!!! GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!!
It isn’t that I don’t care about the safety of the kids on the buses. I do. Our kids ride the bus for Pete’s sake. I simply know that snow does not equal death. GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!
So, here I am…at work…looking outside and it is not snowing. The kids are home, in bed, not going to school, even for half a day. So, this day will have to be made up and it is the first week back to school. There is more “winter” coming and we will undoubtedly have viable reasons to cancel school, however, that day is not today. GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!
As you can tell, this stresses me out. I need the kids to be in school so that we can plan for our vacation this summer. It’s that simple. It isn’t about snow days or weather forecasters or even buying tabloid trash. Instead it is about having more than a three-week window for vacation when the summer is supposed to be 3 months long. It is about placing trust in someone that continually lies to you because you never learn your lesson and you continue to listen. It is about knowing that the snow never hits here. It hits near here, around here, and beside here, but never here-here. It is about school getting out on time so that the beaches may be covered up with families who have been planning their vacation since March.
Oh. Hold on a minute.
It’s snowing.
Nevermind.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
20 Things I Have Noticed
1. Snow, regardless of how much, makes people drive like lunatics.
2. Some people are just weird.
3. Given the opportunity, most people will make an idiot of themselves.
4. Having no hair and nothing between your hat and the top of your coat makes you susceptible to freezing in icy temperatures.
5. If you pray for strength to do the right thing, the right thing is done.
6. I must look okay because I have been asked to "check someone's hair" before a picture and I am bald.
7. There are not enough hours in the day for me to do all I want to do.
8. If you have a child laying in a hospital bed and you steal someone's wallet and max out every credit card in there and then deny it, you are a bad person.
9. The packaging for Blue Rays and DVD's are very similar and can be mistaken, purchased, and subsequently returned.
10. My skin has never looked better and I thoroughly enjoy good-looking skin.
11. Nobody works harder and complains less about it than my husband.
12. I am not smart enough to do my old job anymore.
13. If you mix together an Atkins protein shake (because you are not getting enough protein), 6 teaspoons of Benefiber (because you are not getting enough fiber either), and Breyer's Smooth & Dreamy vanilla bean ice cream (1/2 the fat), it is really a "protein rich meal replacement", NOT a milkshake, no matter how good it tastes.
14. The Kardashians should be ashamed of how they turned out...the mom included.
15. If Howard Stern is the big "draw" for Sirius Radio, then I will ride in silence.
16. There is a real need for "fashion police" where I live.
17. If I have to say that someone did not hurt my feelings, then they probably did.
18. I am trapped by what I have to do in order to be who I want to be.
19. Getting in and out of a compact car is incredibly difficult when you are accustomed to getting in and out of a Suburban. (I almost killed myself on the way down to the seat!!!)
20. Time is only our friend when we "sleep on it" or when it "will tell"...the rest of it is just tick-tocking away, making us older, hopefully wiser, but never the recipient of more time.
2. Some people are just weird.
3. Given the opportunity, most people will make an idiot of themselves.
4. Having no hair and nothing between your hat and the top of your coat makes you susceptible to freezing in icy temperatures.
5. If you pray for strength to do the right thing, the right thing is done.
6. I must look okay because I have been asked to "check someone's hair" before a picture and I am bald.
7. There are not enough hours in the day for me to do all I want to do.
8. If you have a child laying in a hospital bed and you steal someone's wallet and max out every credit card in there and then deny it, you are a bad person.
9. The packaging for Blue Rays and DVD's are very similar and can be mistaken, purchased, and subsequently returned.
10. My skin has never looked better and I thoroughly enjoy good-looking skin.
11. Nobody works harder and complains less about it than my husband.
12. I am not smart enough to do my old job anymore.
13. If you mix together an Atkins protein shake (because you are not getting enough protein), 6 teaspoons of Benefiber (because you are not getting enough fiber either), and Breyer's Smooth & Dreamy vanilla bean ice cream (1/2 the fat), it is really a "protein rich meal replacement", NOT a milkshake, no matter how good it tastes.
14. The Kardashians should be ashamed of how they turned out...the mom included.
15. If Howard Stern is the big "draw" for Sirius Radio, then I will ride in silence.
16. There is a real need for "fashion police" where I live.
17. If I have to say that someone did not hurt my feelings, then they probably did.
18. I am trapped by what I have to do in order to be who I want to be.
19. Getting in and out of a compact car is incredibly difficult when you are accustomed to getting in and out of a Suburban. (I almost killed myself on the way down to the seat!!!)
20. Time is only our friend when we "sleep on it" or when it "will tell"...the rest of it is just tick-tocking away, making us older, hopefully wiser, but never the recipient of more time.
Monday, January 4, 2010
My Third First Day of Work
So, my first, first day of work, was when I started my job.
My second, first day of work was when I went back to work after my surgery and then became deathly ill and my doctor told me to stay home until after the hard chemo.
These "firsts" lead us to today...my third, first day back at work...and it was a good day.
Everyone seemed pretty glad to see me. Everyone was nice. Where I felt awkward and out of place last time, I did not this time. There had been some rearranging of areas and teams, but I was glad to be back and thankful for my job.
Considering my position requires a federal security clearance, I had to be re-instated. When I left today, I still did not have access to my computer but I did have access to the women's restroom. Honestly, by 3pm, I am not sure which was more important to me.
My i.d. cards had to be re-made and I had to be re-entered into the entire system. Oddly enough, the IT department couldn't "find" me and the security officer's computer locked up while entering my data. So you see, I am not only a medical anomaly, but also a workplace anomaly, as well. Yay me!!!
The day was going along fine when Big Daddy walked in... He had come just to check on me and to make sure I was doing okay. (I may have a tendency to say I am okay when I am in fact, not so okay.) I could not have been any more glad to see someone than him. I had missed him very much since I had walked out the door this morning. He had gotten home around 5:30am and waited up to see me off for my first day back to work. That was an incredibly kind gesture of support considering how sleepy he must have been. I love him so much...
The day went on and eventually it was time to leave. I could not record my time since I have no computer access, but that's okay because I have three weeks to do it. What? Why do you have three weeks to account for your time, Pandora? Well, because this is Week 2 of our pay cycle, meaning I won't be paid for three weeks.
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I know, right?
Yet again, though, God has provided and we are able to pay our bills and such with our business account because we had a great season for our lawn and landscaping company. Things work out when you know who to ask. I asked God.
I want to put money back into our business after my paychecks start coming in. Not because I have to or because Big Daddy asked me to...he doesn't even know I want to, but I do. I guess it is like the business floated me a loan while I was not getting paid and I would like to return the favor. I don't know. I can tell you one thing though, when Big Daddy reads this, he will tell me not to worry about it and not to put any money in there. I would like to repay the business so that when Big Daddy looks at the balance, he will see his hard work paying off. What kind of price tag can you put on that?
I came home after work and went right back out. We had no milk. Precious Son and I will literally die without milk. I had also fixed tonight's dinner last night because I had fixed last night's dinner the night before. Apparently, we were hungry. Anyway, I had to get something to cook for dinner and so, out I went.
I am cooking now while I am writing this little re-cap and I must say, there is something to be said of routine. I am sure if I like it yet or if I prefer more spontaneity, but I do know that being home when the kids came home from school or practice was wonderful...spending my weekdays with my husband for the first time in forever was also wonderful...and being able to focus all my energy on being a good wife and mother was beyond wonderful. Now that I am back to work, I still struggle with the whole balancing act thing. It is very difficult to let go of what the past few months afforded me and "go back to work".
You may think I am lazy and just don't want to work. I don't believe that to be true. I want to work...I just want to do my job from my house, while the kids are at school and my husband is with me. Women have fought this battle forever and it has not become easier just because a few decades have passed. If I work, am I a bad wife and mother? If I stay home, am I lazy and not motivated to contribute financially to the family? Is a working mom a good role model? Should I have home-schooled? Is it enough that our children can go to any college they want because we worked outside the home? Did our children miss out on maternal comfort when I was not home after school because of my job? Did anything I did or didn't do alter even a small portion of the world for the better? Ugh.
I don't have any answers...this isn't the way I wanted this post to go...
My third, first day back to work was good. Everyone was nice. I have no computer access. I now have milk.
My second, first day of work was when I went back to work after my surgery and then became deathly ill and my doctor told me to stay home until after the hard chemo.
These "firsts" lead us to today...my third, first day back at work...and it was a good day.
Everyone seemed pretty glad to see me. Everyone was nice. Where I felt awkward and out of place last time, I did not this time. There had been some rearranging of areas and teams, but I was glad to be back and thankful for my job.
Considering my position requires a federal security clearance, I had to be re-instated. When I left today, I still did not have access to my computer but I did have access to the women's restroom. Honestly, by 3pm, I am not sure which was more important to me.
My i.d. cards had to be re-made and I had to be re-entered into the entire system. Oddly enough, the IT department couldn't "find" me and the security officer's computer locked up while entering my data. So you see, I am not only a medical anomaly, but also a workplace anomaly, as well. Yay me!!!
The day was going along fine when Big Daddy walked in... He had come just to check on me and to make sure I was doing okay. (I may have a tendency to say I am okay when I am in fact, not so okay.) I could not have been any more glad to see someone than him. I had missed him very much since I had walked out the door this morning. He had gotten home around 5:30am and waited up to see me off for my first day back to work. That was an incredibly kind gesture of support considering how sleepy he must have been. I love him so much...
The day went on and eventually it was time to leave. I could not record my time since I have no computer access, but that's okay because I have three weeks to do it. What? Why do you have three weeks to account for your time, Pandora? Well, because this is Week 2 of our pay cycle, meaning I won't be paid for three weeks.
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I know, right?
Yet again, though, God has provided and we are able to pay our bills and such with our business account because we had a great season for our lawn and landscaping company. Things work out when you know who to ask. I asked God.
I want to put money back into our business after my paychecks start coming in. Not because I have to or because Big Daddy asked me to...he doesn't even know I want to, but I do. I guess it is like the business floated me a loan while I was not getting paid and I would like to return the favor. I don't know. I can tell you one thing though, when Big Daddy reads this, he will tell me not to worry about it and not to put any money in there. I would like to repay the business so that when Big Daddy looks at the balance, he will see his hard work paying off. What kind of price tag can you put on that?
I came home after work and went right back out. We had no milk. Precious Son and I will literally die without milk. I had also fixed tonight's dinner last night because I had fixed last night's dinner the night before. Apparently, we were hungry. Anyway, I had to get something to cook for dinner and so, out I went.
I am cooking now while I am writing this little re-cap and I must say, there is something to be said of routine. I am sure if I like it yet or if I prefer more spontaneity, but I do know that being home when the kids came home from school or practice was wonderful...spending my weekdays with my husband for the first time in forever was also wonderful...and being able to focus all my energy on being a good wife and mother was beyond wonderful. Now that I am back to work, I still struggle with the whole balancing act thing. It is very difficult to let go of what the past few months afforded me and "go back to work".
You may think I am lazy and just don't want to work. I don't believe that to be true. I want to work...I just want to do my job from my house, while the kids are at school and my husband is with me. Women have fought this battle forever and it has not become easier just because a few decades have passed. If I work, am I a bad wife and mother? If I stay home, am I lazy and not motivated to contribute financially to the family? Is a working mom a good role model? Should I have home-schooled? Is it enough that our children can go to any college they want because we worked outside the home? Did our children miss out on maternal comfort when I was not home after school because of my job? Did anything I did or didn't do alter even a small portion of the world for the better? Ugh.
I don't have any answers...this isn't the way I wanted this post to go...
My third, first day back to work was good. Everyone was nice. I have no computer access. I now have milk.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year's Eve
WOW!! Talk about a fantabulous time! Here is a re-cap and hope that your New Year's Eve was great, too!
Had reservations at the Hyatt downtown. The Grand Package included dinner (prime rib, salmon, other 4 courses) party favors (hats, noise makers, glow necklaces, etc) excellent music choices from two rockin out DJ's, champagne toast at midnight, dancing until the wee hours of the morning, a king-sized room overlooking the glassed arboretum, two of our favorite couples to share it with, and pictures with PATRICK PATTERSON!!!
*Patrick Patterson is an incredibly talented basketball player with UK and I love him. He will be playing for the NBA soon enough...watch and see!*
We had the BEST time! This was the first New Year's Eve that Big Daddy and I have ever spent together in 20 years. I must say, as great a time as I had, it was almost worth waiting that long. I love, love, love to dance and boy, we did. It was wonderful. There was a good mix of slow and fast songs, so everyone felt comfortable at some point. I, personally, will dance slow, fast, or swing. I just want to dance! And dancing we did! It was so much fun! I was also very grateful to have learned the Cupid Shuffle with Kathren a few weeks ago as we had the opportunity to show our new skills! lol Absolute blast!
As the clock tick-tocked and the moment rapidly approached for the midnight countdown, everyone crowded the dance floor... Big Daddy pulled me close and as we counted down the last few seconds of 2009, he kissed me. It was one of those kisses that you never want to end because it feels so right, so special, so perfect. We kissed and then held our glasses with our friends and toasted the new year. It was such an awesome moment...Big Daddy kissed me, again.
*smile*
We danced a little more and then headed out to "people watch" because, let me tell you, there were some amazingly stupid people at the Hyatt with us and plenty to watch. So, we did that for a while and then said our "good nights" to everyone and went to our rooms. A buffet breakfast was included in our Grand Package and breakfast was to begin at 6:30. Well, I think we all knew that was not going to happen considering it going on 2 a.m., so we agreed to meet at 9. As it turns out, 9 was pushing it for us. You see, we stayed up for a while longer in our room...
*BIG smile*
*and giggle*
Six months ago our lives changed. How thankful I am...
Had reservations at the Hyatt downtown. The Grand Package included dinner (prime rib, salmon, other 4 courses) party favors (hats, noise makers, glow necklaces, etc) excellent music choices from two rockin out DJ's, champagne toast at midnight, dancing until the wee hours of the morning, a king-sized room overlooking the glassed arboretum, two of our favorite couples to share it with, and pictures with PATRICK PATTERSON!!!
*Patrick Patterson is an incredibly talented basketball player with UK and I love him. He will be playing for the NBA soon enough...watch and see!*
We had the BEST time! This was the first New Year's Eve that Big Daddy and I have ever spent together in 20 years. I must say, as great a time as I had, it was almost worth waiting that long. I love, love, love to dance and boy, we did. It was wonderful. There was a good mix of slow and fast songs, so everyone felt comfortable at some point. I, personally, will dance slow, fast, or swing. I just want to dance! And dancing we did! It was so much fun! I was also very grateful to have learned the Cupid Shuffle with Kathren a few weeks ago as we had the opportunity to show our new skills! lol Absolute blast!
As the clock tick-tocked and the moment rapidly approached for the midnight countdown, everyone crowded the dance floor... Big Daddy pulled me close and as we counted down the last few seconds of 2009, he kissed me. It was one of those kisses that you never want to end because it feels so right, so special, so perfect. We kissed and then held our glasses with our friends and toasted the new year. It was such an awesome moment...Big Daddy kissed me, again.
*smile*
We danced a little more and then headed out to "people watch" because, let me tell you, there were some amazingly stupid people at the Hyatt with us and plenty to watch. So, we did that for a while and then said our "good nights" to everyone and went to our rooms. A buffet breakfast was included in our Grand Package and breakfast was to begin at 6:30. Well, I think we all knew that was not going to happen considering it going on 2 a.m., so we agreed to meet at 9. As it turns out, 9 was pushing it for us. You see, we stayed up for a while longer in our room...
*BIG smile*
*and giggle*
Six months ago our lives changed. How thankful I am...
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