On Being Pandora Spocks...

When I take pictures of people, I always try to get some candid shots.
I will sometimes also ask them to think about something that moves them or touches them.
The photos in this video reflect such shots and requests but it also shows a few pictures that are meaningful to me on a unique, hard to describe level.


I am not depressed.
I am not sad or lonely or upset.
I do find myself, however, plagued with questions to which I have no answers from time to time.


We stumble upon normalcy without realizing it and the same can be said of apathy.
Is this all there is to my life?
Why do I still hurt about wrongs long since buried?
Ah, shallow graves...
Silent blows....
Me...a porcelain grenade unsure of who is holding my pin.


I love moving songs even though the vast majority are considered sad.
Perhaps I am drawn to the melancholy because I am comfortable there.
Maybe we all are...

Ha ha ha...no, we are most certainly not! Are we?

I was speaking with a dear friend and told her that sometimes I get very tired of being "on". I feel like people expect me to make them laugh or cheer them up. At times, a heavy weight. My favorite place to be is in my house, by myself, when the rest of my family is safe and healthy, but not home. It is during these times that I am able to "just be me". I don't have to perform or make sure everyone is happy. I can do what I like and not worry about letting someone down or disappointing them. In other words, I can just think...


I often need peace and alone time in order to have a thought to myself, for myself. It is very difficult to find a minute in my life. Work, school, wounded warrior at home preparing for another surgery, teenagers, concerts, track meets, band events, friends, church, study time, career change, drive time, grocery shopping, doctor/dentist appointments, fundraising, cooking and my all-time favorite thing to do....housecleaning. Ugh...not!


I. Crave. Solitude.


My friend said that she wanted to say she understood but her biggest fear is actually to be alone. She went on to say that I was the absolute, funniest person she had ever known. Then she said that she had read somewhere that the vast majority of comedians battle depression. It is as if they live on two separate planes. The social plane of humor and ease and the plane of sadness or despondency when alone.


I asked her about a "happy medium" and she said she had no idea if I could ever find one. I asked what she meant and she said, "I have seen you 'perform' for years now but I can only recall once when you were completely vulnerable...and it made you completely suicidal".


I know exactly what time she was referring to. Years ago, but like the days my children were born, I can recall every moment...


I need time alone.


I need time alone to reconcile my planes.


I am not depressed.
I am not sad or lonely or upset.


I like to think. That's all. I like to be alone with my thoughts and find creative outlets for that which moves me. This video is the result of my being alone with myself. Nothing more. Nothing less.


I have pondered the meaning of life for years now. As a Christian, I know my role on earth. As a flawed human, I have questions, both philosophical as well as practical.


Is this all there is?


Did I matter?


If I drop the soap in the shower, is it dirty?


Why did he lie to me?


How do birds not run into each other when they change direction on a dime?


Why did she go out of her way to upset me?


I don't know the meaning of life beyond the calling and purpose of a Christian. I have figured out a few things, though...


Time passes regardless of it being your best friend or worst enemy.
Love waxes and wanes.
Jobs come and go and so do people.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Children grow up and leave.
Life goes on. Cliche, but true.
Whining changes nothing and whiners, along with liars, piss me off more than anyone.
Hate eventually becomes apathy, and apathy IS the opposite of love.
People lie, break promises, and make excuses for all of it.
Everyone has an opinion on making things better but very few accept the responsibility of doing it.
Men lie.
Women cry.
And again, life goes on.


I am not depressed.
I am not sad or lonely or upset.


Music moves me. Photos move me. The pictures I have been blessed enough to capture that find their way into something else I have created, make me feel more complete.


I need to feel more complete...so I can go back and answer those hard questions I mentioned before...as well as the new ones I come up with every, single day while being me.



Whether or not I discover the meaning of life, I do hope you enjoy this music video.
Was I sad or depressed when I created this video?
Nope.
Reflective, melancholy, kind of mad?
Yeah.

Mad? Really?

Well, yeah. It goes back to the whole "whiners and liars" comment. Whiners make me mad just out of general principle and liars because I believe them. I guess in actuality, I am more angry at myself for trusting than I am at the liar himself. I believe people. I take people at their word. I see no reason to NOT tell the truth.

Sucker.

Stupid.

Naive.

So, yeah, I was reflective, melancholy and even a little mad when I made the video...but I dare say the combination of music and photography is hauntingly beautiful even though lacking smiling faces.

I am a kaleidoscope of emotion. Never boring. Sometimes a smile is merely a mask...


Do you see yourself in my words? Are we the same? Am I so different?


It's amazing how so few words can resonate for lifetimes...
Love, lies, loss...
Yours, mine, ours...
Happy, sad, simply thinking, reconciling my planes, being comfortable in the melancholy...just being...just being me.






My suggestion is to click the YouTube icon above for better clarity and sound.
Enjoy "Farewell"...